Skip to main content

I Was the Side Chick

I want to make my own 'poor choices' in my lifetime...

Pensive black woman sitting



.... at my own hands and of my own free will! Ever since I was a child, I despised being told what to do. I'm the rebellious type in a passive-aggressive manner. It makes sense why I look up to, or stan for rebels, or those who ho against the grain. Prince and Freddie Mercury are good examples. I'm also not into mob psychology hence why I'm a loner. History makers always stand out from the crowd. I don't mind guidance in spaces or tasks that I'm not well vested in. I ain't too proud to learn. But for what I know, I am capable of, and the narrative that I want to write, I want to do things on my terms.

Hello single ladies, comment ca va mes amies? Grab a seat, and we will need vodka and ice cream. I woke up mad as hell. I had a nightmare that brought me to this place of revealing an embarrassing experience. I didn't realize that I had so much pent up rage for being humiliated. My weakness is I don't voice out my true emotions and thoughts, especially when it comes to major matters. Trivia issues, I will cuss people out and check them when they are out of line. But the colossal narratives, I mute and try to numb senses. 

This is how the story goes. There was a guy whom I was seeing. Initially, he seemed more into me than I was him. He stated that he and I needed to be 'monogamous' because he saw a future for us. So I offered him an opportunity to prove himself. My dumb self overlooked red flags out of desperation to be somebody's personal being. I will admit I let loneliness overrule my judgement. And then he began to be inconsistent from the communication and the general interaction. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong.
 
I want to make my own 'poor choices' in my lifetime.... at my own hands and of my own free will


Now being the fearful-avoidant type, I took the avoidant route. The avoidant route is often nonchalant, and distant. I again swept the inconsistencies under the carpet. This occurred especially when he started being 'busy'. Now from my therapy sessions, "I'm busy" is a trigger for me. Once that line is used, Maleficent is unleashed. But if we are grading levels of crazy, I either A. Pull a you on you, or B. Offer the silent treatment. Neither of these reactions, or behaviours are healthy, nor mature. But when I'm hurt, I'm a scared little girl with abandonment issues. 

One day he was supposed to come over and he didn't. He didn't even apologize for standing me up. I went quiet on him. One beautiful afternoon, I was having brunch with a group of friends. So you know how food and afternoon drinks go. A lot of chatter. I was speaking to a friend who knew this guy. She wasn't aware that he and I had something going on. So she spilled the tea on this guy's girlfriend, and guess what? She wasn't me! The shock on my face was priceless. I acted like that girl who loves gossip. My friend ended the conversation with, "I don't care to meet his new girlfriend because he can't keep one. Actually, that n***a ain't sh*t." I subconsciously agreed with her. But the information that I was still digesting caused ulcers in my gut. So I'm the side chick, huh?

I dwindled my fingers as I planned the next course of action. Instead, I drank all the alcohol available to me. I needed it. He texted me later in the evening, and all I said is, "Boy bye!" I gave myself exactly a fortnight to calm down. And since he went AWOL on me, I deleted his number. As Badgyal Riri sang, "I may be dumb but I'm not stupid in love". I ain't got time to be lied to. I had no intention of asking for an explanation, or who this female was. I planned to let it hurt and get over it. But I was livid. I didn't talk to anybody about the situation. And here I am having nightmares. 
 
Here's my story, I don't want to be in situations that I didn't choose on my own. I deserve the truth. We all deserve the truth. Remember Michael? As in Mikey, whom I likey? Well, Michael explained that he has a long-term girlfriend but he's attracted to me. Fair and fine, he laid his cards out on the table. I have the choice to kick it with him despite his situation because I like him. Or turn down his proposal. I choose the latter...always. I will not be second best or be placed in third party situations. But I have been given the option to CHOOSE. The same thing with LaTrey, he just wanted to f*ck (Sorry there's no better English to express exactly what it is). He laid his offer with honesty, and I chose to decline. I'm not walking around with the agenda of turning down guys, but I refuse to be in situations that I don't choose to be in. Ladies, please confirm. There are those grown male children who pursue you and they start misbehaving. When you react to their actions they treat you as if you belong in an asylum. But he's the one not fulfilling his end of the agreed verbal contract. You should hear the type of sh*t those grown male children talk about when you break up, Or they ghost you. 

I didn't sign up to be a side chick. He stated that I was the only woman he was with. I will be honest, I also didn't co-sign on a monogamous relationship with him, but he persisted on his script. I saw him as a fling that would eventually fizzle out parce que he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. I would never 'wife' him. I felt the big slap on my face of the position that I involuntarily was placed in. Mina, a side chick, abomination! I have always said that there's a certain type of male whom I would choose to be a mistress to, if I had to. Not a basic dude. Especially one who does not offer social equity. I am a Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Jackie O, do your research. Rings bell!

I will not be second best or be placed in third party situations.

This thing called 'free will', I believe offers every living being to make choices. They don't need to be great, or wise choices, it's about choosing. I have previously mentioned that be it relationships, situationships, entanglements, or Netflix and chill, there are two parties involved and three sides to every story. We are too grown as women to be acting like victims in our failed love stories. We need to take responsibility for the parts we play, specifically what we accept. You are responsible for how people treat you because of what you accept. So while we are here mad, we also have to wear our big girl panties and accept that we made poor choices.

You are responsible for how people treat you because of what you accept.


Sigh! I need a long therapy session, lots of meditation, and well, thank you for the weird combination of lactose and fermented carbs.

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. —Keri Russell

Out the things that you can ask, or demand from another human being, let it be to use your free will first. Hurtful truths are better than exciting lies, you deserve the truth all the time, no matter how ugly, or painful. Let's not love the way they lie as Rihanna sang. Choose truth, choose to make choices based on whatever truth is laid out on the table. "Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever", Keri Russell

Until the next time...

 Feel as good as hell!

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts

Between Friends

I don't want to make it a thing, but I think that I see my friend differently. Yep! I had a halo moment with one of my closest and dearest friends. I've always appreciated him as a decent human being. He's actually my safe space. I love being around him and feeling comfortable to be myself. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders. I don't know what I would do without him. We spent the day together. We've both been going through different life struggles. We needed each other. To talk. Get things off the chest. Vent. And on my part even cry. And of course, there's always room for a shot or two. Honestly, I missed him. I've been so wrapped up in work that our schedules didn't match up. While stressful, I love the free time. Had forgotten that he's such a sweet man. We still disagree on a lot but who else do I want debates with. And yes, I do love him from the depths of my soul. And that's why, the idea of he and I shifting the platonic to romantic isn...
Post a Comment
Read more

When The Door Shuts But There's No Closure

Let this be the last time that I am stupid in love! To quote Bob Marley, 'The biggest coward of a man, is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.' No intentions are still intentions and usually cruel intentions. I'm a bitter woman. I'm mad as hell. How did I let that ugly mother****er make me look stupid? Little did I know that I was just setting myself up to feeling dumb and dumber. I'm a clown! So I took the step and reached out to him to get closure. I needed to gather my thoughts and emotions so that I could speak to him calmly. Parce que IRL, I'm on that Lemonade Beyoncé woman scorned level. The initial call that I made, he blew me off. So I took defeat. However, he called back an hour later and the conversation came. My biggest question was 'Why?'. Why pursue me when you already had someone else whom you wanted to give what I myself wanted. Marriage! What was your intention and outcome from all this? I reiterate that I...
Post a Comment
Read more

It's Your Own Race, Stay In Your Lane

You might miss out on enjoying what's around you because you're rushing to the infinite finish line! I'm exhausted at this moment! Some days I kick myself for having missed opportunities due to pride or naïvety. At times I suffer from FOMO like the rest of our generation as I scroll down my Instagram timeline. I think my LinkedIn makes me feel worse, as I fall short on qualifications. But as I write this, I know that I'm not where I used to be. I worked damn hard - walking, getting sunburnt, looking disheveled, sleepless nights, and no social life. I'm nowhere near halfway to where I really want to be, but the pandemic has taught me to 'count it all joy.' So why do I continuously feel the pressure 'to be'? Tu ne comprends pas la question? It seems that everywhere I go, people are suffering from the “hustle culture” pandemic. By hustle culture, I mean the collective urge we currently seem to feel as a society to work harder, stronger, faster.(Then Daf...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Don't Love It Like I Used To

Maybe it's just me giving up, but I'm just tired. Today is actually the due date for a project. I haven't even finished it. I've pressured to complete it, but I don't have zeal for it. Deep down in my core, I just want it to die. I used to love it, but I don't, anymore. Ever felt so overwhelmed by life? I think that's where I am at. I don't enjoy hobbies or passions anymore. Writing this blog is becoming an exhausting activity, yet here I am. I guess it's because I perceive myself as a failure. I'm not where I want to be. The passion and the commitment that I once had, is snuffed out like a candle. I really want things to work out. I want to get to a place of freedom, particularly financial freedom. I dread and loathe fame, but I do want the recognition for my great contribution. My name shouldn't be in obscurity yet I give so much of myself and my work. Maybe something will ignite the fire. Until the next time... Lady E Ciao!
Post a Comment
Read more

The Faults of Karma

Karma is nobody's friend so don't bet on her! “What goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, now who’s crying, desiring to come back to me,”-Karma, Alicia Keys I remember this one day by the traffic lights as my mentor walked me towards the rank where I got my transport to go home and he said to me, “I believe that one day you will be very successful and rise and Mr X will be at his lowest point and realise that you were a good one…that he shouldn’t have let go!” Bless my mentor’s heart, apart from men in my family; he’s the only man who sees me. To be honest it’s been four years since the Mr X incident or ‘situationship’, two of those I have neither bumped into him nor (and hallelujah) ‘stalked’ him (oh, please, don’t even judge me, the man was stalking me too, remember he used to read my blogs on his platform, and even spent the whole night looking over my table at a bar, so it was mutual). Unfortunately he and I very much share a very small circle, being i...
Post a Comment
Read more