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I Was the Side Chick

I want to make my own 'poor choices' in my lifetime...

Pensive black woman sitting



.... at my own hands and of my own free will! Ever since I was a child, I despised being told what to do. I'm the rebellious type in a passive-aggressive manner. It makes sense why I look up to, or stan for rebels, or those who ho against the grain. Prince and Freddie Mercury are good examples. I'm also not into mob psychology hence why I'm a loner. History makers always stand out from the crowd. I don't mind guidance in spaces or tasks that I'm not well vested in. I ain't too proud to learn. But for what I know, I am capable of, and the narrative that I want to write, I want to do things on my terms.

Hello single ladies, comment ca va mes amies? Grab a seat, and we will need vodka and ice cream. I woke up mad as hell. I had a nightmare that brought me to this place of revealing an embarrassing experience. I didn't realize that I had so much pent up rage for being humiliated. My weakness is I don't voice out my true emotions and thoughts, especially when it comes to major matters. Trivia issues, I will cuss people out and check them when they are out of line. But the colossal narratives, I mute and try to numb senses. 

This is how the story goes. There was a guy whom I was seeing. Initially, he seemed more into me than I was him. He stated that he and I needed to be 'monogamous' because he saw a future for us. So I offered him an opportunity to prove himself. My dumb self overlooked red flags out of desperation to be somebody's personal being. I will admit I let loneliness overrule my judgement. And then he began to be inconsistent from the communication and the general interaction. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong.
 
I want to make my own 'poor choices' in my lifetime.... at my own hands and of my own free will


Now being the fearful-avoidant type, I took the avoidant route. The avoidant route is often nonchalant, and distant. I again swept the inconsistencies under the carpet. This occurred especially when he started being 'busy'. Now from my therapy sessions, "I'm busy" is a trigger for me. Once that line is used, Maleficent is unleashed. But if we are grading levels of crazy, I either A. Pull a you on you, or B. Offer the silent treatment. Neither of these reactions, or behaviours are healthy, nor mature. But when I'm hurt, I'm a scared little girl with abandonment issues. 

One day he was supposed to come over and he didn't. He didn't even apologize for standing me up. I went quiet on him. One beautiful afternoon, I was having brunch with a group of friends. So you know how food and afternoon drinks go. A lot of chatter. I was speaking to a friend who knew this guy. She wasn't aware that he and I had something going on. So she spilled the tea on this guy's girlfriend, and guess what? She wasn't me! The shock on my face was priceless. I acted like that girl who loves gossip. My friend ended the conversation with, "I don't care to meet his new girlfriend because he can't keep one. Actually, that n***a ain't sh*t." I subconsciously agreed with her. But the information that I was still digesting caused ulcers in my gut. So I'm the side chick, huh?

I dwindled my fingers as I planned the next course of action. Instead, I drank all the alcohol available to me. I needed it. He texted me later in the evening, and all I said is, "Boy bye!" I gave myself exactly a fortnight to calm down. And since he went AWOL on me, I deleted his number. As Badgyal Riri sang, "I may be dumb but I'm not stupid in love". I ain't got time to be lied to. I had no intention of asking for an explanation, or who this female was. I planned to let it hurt and get over it. But I was livid. I didn't talk to anybody about the situation. And here I am having nightmares. 
 
Here's my story, I don't want to be in situations that I didn't choose on my own. I deserve the truth. We all deserve the truth. Remember Michael? As in Mikey, whom I likey? Well, Michael explained that he has a long-term girlfriend but he's attracted to me. Fair and fine, he laid his cards out on the table. I have the choice to kick it with him despite his situation because I like him. Or turn down his proposal. I choose the latter...always. I will not be second best or be placed in third party situations. But I have been given the option to CHOOSE. The same thing with LaTrey, he just wanted to f*ck (Sorry there's no better English to express exactly what it is). He laid his offer with honesty, and I chose to decline. I'm not walking around with the agenda of turning down guys, but I refuse to be in situations that I don't choose to be in. Ladies, please confirm. There are those grown male children who pursue you and they start misbehaving. When you react to their actions they treat you as if you belong in an asylum. But he's the one not fulfilling his end of the agreed verbal contract. You should hear the type of sh*t those grown male children talk about when you break up, Or they ghost you. 

I didn't sign up to be a side chick. He stated that I was the only woman he was with. I will be honest, I also didn't co-sign on a monogamous relationship with him, but he persisted on his script. I saw him as a fling that would eventually fizzle out parce que he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. I would never 'wife' him. I felt the big slap on my face of the position that I involuntarily was placed in. Mina, a side chick, abomination! I have always said that there's a certain type of male whom I would choose to be a mistress to, if I had to. Not a basic dude. Especially one who does not offer social equity. I am a Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Jackie O, do your research. Rings bell!

I will not be second best or be placed in third party situations.

This thing called 'free will', I believe offers every living being to make choices. They don't need to be great, or wise choices, it's about choosing. I have previously mentioned that be it relationships, situationships, entanglements, or Netflix and chill, there are two parties involved and three sides to every story. We are too grown as women to be acting like victims in our failed love stories. We need to take responsibility for the parts we play, specifically what we accept. You are responsible for how people treat you because of what you accept. So while we are here mad, we also have to wear our big girl panties and accept that we made poor choices.

You are responsible for how people treat you because of what you accept.


Sigh! I need a long therapy session, lots of meditation, and well, thank you for the weird combination of lactose and fermented carbs.

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. —Keri Russell

Out the things that you can ask, or demand from another human being, let it be to use your free will first. Hurtful truths are better than exciting lies, you deserve the truth all the time, no matter how ugly, or painful. Let's not love the way they lie as Rihanna sang. Choose truth, choose to make choices based on whatever truth is laid out on the table. "Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever", Keri Russell

Until the next time...

 Feel as good as hell!

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E
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