When we understand how imperative our needs contribute to the bigger picture,...
...we can actually match our suitors! Hello single ladies! How are you? I'm well thank you. How is your journey to becoming? Some interesting facts, my father was an honest man, a straight shooter to be precise. Well the areas of deceit that I know of are about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus, (so coconut right), oh well. But that's about every parent! But when it came to truths about life, he made effort to share his pearls of wisdom.
My father came from a multicultural background, which was also influenced by his Western experiences. As I've grown older, I also realised that he adopted West African aspects towards marriage and family. To be honest, I have always respected West African culture. It aims to preserve the family and legacies. My parents marriage was a love story of interesting sorts, but they loved each other. They were friends. They were lovers. They were partners. My father was the disciplinarian, while my mother nurtured.
I have always wanted to model my parents' marriage - the good parts that is. I learnt that marriage is more than the wedding. It's more than romance. It's more than love. It's about making choices and decisions. These elements contribute to either the longevity or demise of a marriage.
And this is why I'm here. Ladies, today we are having chai tea and coffee. This is a conversation that we need to be sober. I know so many people who are getting married, and enough who've left their marriages faster than Milli Vanilli's Grammy award. For every friend or relative who shares their marriage woes, I have one question. Why did you get married?
By definition marriage is the act, ceremony or process by which the legal relationship of husband and wife is constituted. The legality of the union may be established by civil, religious or other means as recognized by the laws of each country.
Marriage is an ancient institution that predates 1250-1300 CE. The main goal of marriage, during these times, was to act as an alliance between families. Throughout history, and even today, families arranged marriages for couples. Most couples didn't marry because they were in love, but for economic liaisons. The people involved didn't have much to say about the decision then. This is why we notice that in nobility and even royal families, the marriages were often strategic. Queen Victoria married off her children and grandchildren across European monarch's for political reasons.
In the African context, marriage involves bringing two families together not just two individuals. The marriage is primarily about procreation and providing for children as this is seen as the foundation of society. The engagement ceremony involves the two families getting to know each other.
But with colonisation, and modernization, our African notion of marriage has drastically changed. Our parents, grandparents and great grandparents managed to preserve our African values in marriages. From Gen X up to the current generation we have seen marriages dissolve. These days emphasis is placed on the engagement proposal, roora/lobola squads, and the wedding itself. It's so important to show off lavish wedding venues, designer gowns and suits and going viral on social media.
Again my question, "Why are you getting married?"
According to research, the divorce rate globally has more than doubled since 1970. It's estimated that there are 5.5 divorces for every 1,000 married people. In fact, nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women. Finance and infidelity top the reasons for divorce, however there are several reasons that most marriages fail. Some include lack of intimacy, miscommunication, incompatibility, domestic abuse, and addiction amongst others.
I'm not going to go home about divorce because my scope of experience is limited. I'll allow the divorcees to school us all about life after the big 'D' and manoeuvring new relationships. All I can say is think very carefully before you say 'I do'.
For the many reasons why people divorce, those are some of the the aspects that we need to look at.
And aspect numero uno, is money. Money even within nuclear and extended families can cause a lot of problems. Both the presence and absence of money can cause friction, especially if people don't share the same values. What are your spending, saving and investing habits? Do either of you believe in tithing, or giving to charity? What are your boundaries when it comes to giving money to relatives or friends? What sort of lifestyle do you have? Who will be the bread winner? Or will you have a double income household? Do you have an emergency fund for financially trying times? Do you have vices such as drugs, alcohol or gambling that may affect your finances?
The list of questions go on and on. In this day and age, most women leave their relationships because of finances. Actually, several young women will not date a male with no financial prospects. Hypergamy taught us to be yoked to someone who can provide. Even with our independent woman anthems, we seek a man who can provide. In Eastern and African cultures, our spouses must be able to take care of even our parents and siblings. There's also the dynamic of a woman who might be the provider. Is your partner willing to have his wife provide for them and their family. Is it okay to earn less, or become the stay-at-home dad. How do you handle debt? So many questions that could test your love versus money ethics.
The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.”
Let's talk about compatibility a.k.a being equally yoked. Compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people. It's about the long-term potential of two people. High compatibility between people comes from similarities in their lifestyles and values.
Most of us confuse compromise and compatability. Due to different upbringing, we are bound to disagree. However, compatibility is a deal breaker whether we consent to it or not. We might overlook compatibility to be in a relationship but it will eventually catch up. You need to be compatible on a recreational, intellectual, spiritual, emotional and sexual level.
Ask yourselves, do you feel comfortable in being yourself? Do you share the same values? Are you able to enjoy time apart? Do you value the time that you spend together? Are you committed to each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?
We must understand that compatibility doesn't mean no conflict. It means that you are on similar pages and can deal with conflict better.
I'm going to say something that might surprise some of you. While I am a monogamous individual, I am not opposed to polygamy. However, polygamy has to make a social and moreover, financial sense. I don't believe in making the family bigger if you can't feed them. And this comes to the issue of value systems. What are your values? From handling elderly parents, raising children, hosting guests, friendship circles, to even vices. Do you mind if your partner consumes alcohol, or partakes in recreational drugs? Are you swingers, or for open marriage? Polyandry or polyarmory? How would you deal with infidelity or children from outside your union? Are you a traditionalist, or liberal? What are your political or religious views?
Now let's talk about the 'in sickness and in health' aspect of the vows. When we think of sickness, our focus is zoned on the physical. But there is the emotional, mental and even spiritual aspects. One of the most important things to me now is putting in work towards my mental health. While most of us are train wrecks, we need to agree that we are putting in the work. Working through our traumas and towards healing. Are you aware of your wounds and traumas? What are are you doing to get help? Do you know how to love your partner with their love languages? What's your attachment style? Do you suffer from a mental illness? What forms of treatment are you taking? Are you able to deal with a partner who's dealing with mental health issues?
How would you handle terminal illness? What if your partner becomes disabled? Would you be able to nurse your partner to health? Or offer them palliative care? How do you grieve and do you communicate your feelings? And as I ask these questions some of us are really thinking about sticking around for sickness, or do we flee?
Marriage is an entire sacrifice. We all know that sacrifice comes from commitment. When there is commitment, sacrifice is inevitable. At one point or another, we have had to sacrifice for something. To be precise, something or someone we loved. The decision didn’t come easy but due to the commitment to a vision or promise, you made your sacrifice. And it was worth it.
Marriage is 91% conflict resolution, and 9% happy times.
Our perception of love and marriage needs to shift away from ideologies. The common ideologies are those carved by mainstream media including film and television, as well as celebrities. We need to learn to choose our partners through the scope of what we can handle. Not the idea of how good they would look to others. Not the ideal of how you want them to make you feel.
Successful marriages are built on a solid foundation of being part of the bigger picture. It's not for the faint hearted or even lazy people. You need to see beyond the veil of the wedding gown. Think of your children, grandchildren and entire lineage. The financial empire that you build needs to stretch as long as Rockerfeller wealth. Your foundation should also include friendship, mutual respect, open communication, and , a willingness to daily commit and work on building a better.
They take work. But if you are with the right person, it is worthwhile.
Marry someone who aligns with your faith and purpose. Someone who believes in you, shares your vision, or a similar vision or actually supports your vision, dreams and ambitions.
Marriage is a beautiful and fulfilling companionship. You have to be willing to fight together and not against each other. And yes, it's work. On an individual level, as a couple and as a family. Marriage only works if you work.
Love is enough when it's in its actual context. Remember 1 Corinthians 13, even if you are not of any Abrahamic faith. It's deeper than social media optics, more true than any rom-com and in its reality it will go through the unforgettable....
...yet when it's a choice...your choice, it will be something worth fighting for.
Love deep, love wide, love true and love pure.
P.S.: Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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