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I Am Not Her

If I'm not the one that you want, then maybe I'll be the one you need.

 

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But if you prioritize your wants, then I'm not her. Hello single ladies, Beyoncé wave! How are you? I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Nothing that a glass of wine and a shoulder to cry on won't fix. My blogs of late are ticking some people off. But you know what, I'm not about to censor myself for anybody. Have you met me? My face on it's own doesn't do PC very well.

A nous allez! 

So let's call this one basket of mine Clay. The other day Clay and I were having a conversation. He mentioned that of late I'm cold and distant. In addition I'm not the woman that he thought I was. Oh my! In my head I was like, "Wena stop thoughting and start thinking!" I then asked what has changed his perception. After an hour or so of the long list of complaints, I then asked, "What now?"

I didn't feel like explaining myself. Actually I don't owe him an explanation. You see that naive people pleasing girl died a long time ago. That girl who would do a cartwheel across planks to keep a guy doesn't exist on this ship. If you are a dissatisfied client, I'm sorry, you are most welcome to shop somewhere else. Oh no, this isn't a defense mechanism. This is a grown woman who is tired of pretentious ideals. A woman who now walks in her truth and continues to discover her worth. 

How many of us ladies have pondered upon our flaws. Like why doesn't this person take interest in me? Why won't he give me the commitment that I need? What does she have that I don't? Now 'pick me' mentality is hard to let go. It's all that we have been socialized as women. More so if you're African. Education and a successful career aren't the pinnacle of your femininity. Being a love interest and a wife are your grandest goals. Yes, this series started off about becoming a Mrs, but where are we right now? 

We are still sipping wine, and talking about the dating and relationship highs and lows. It's not a congenital defect loves. We are learning and unlearning- that's part of the journey. I would have loved to go to town with our conversation, but why not use art instead.

Below is a poem by one of my favourite writers, ME! I wrote this piece years ago, but it's so relevant today. Titled 'Here I Am', this piece is about discarding the perfection notion. As a woman, I refuse to improve for approval in the male gaze. I mentioned previously that I have come to a place where, "I don't want to love you if you don't love me." If neither he or I are on the same wave length, I will not ride. I will give the same amount of energy that I receive. And of course, my type will be the individual who has the intention of having a committed, respectful relationship with me.
 
We might have issues, but we can't be that damaged to accept garbage. We aren't garbage disposals. We are beautifully flawed human beings. Yes we have scars, but those scars are proof of strength and survival. Let no one make you feel and perceive otherwise. And we are willing to hold a hand of a perfectly flawed human being. Each in their lane, on their own path to healing. But together our focus is on the lessons of the journey as we head for the same destination. 

So here I am:

I sincerely apologise for being a disappointment
I'm sorry that I don't have flawless curves like Beyoncé 
Or a beautiful face like Keri Hilson
Or 'boss lady' sex appeal like Ciara
Neither do I have that ideal personality
I cannot be a one-day stand or a bootycall
To suit your non-commitment attitude
You've probably seen my hair slither like Medussa's
I've spoken words that are like thrown daggers
And never apologised to whomever they cut
Sorry for not being that naive little girl that you were preying on her wishes to be a 'Mrs.'
Only for you to meet a titanium 'she-devil'
I'm sorry I am not the girl I looked like
I'm sorry that I'm not the woman you assumed I was
I'm sorry that I'm not your ideal,
Your fantasy,
Or your dream
I am who I am
Take me as I am
Because here I am
 
Here I am
Presenting myself and my faults
I could never do facades maybe that's why I'm not an actress
Here I am in my truest form
With more layers to dig deep into and discover
Here I Am
 
Here I am
Loud and proud
Yet my words hide behind silence
With secrets never to be told
Here I am
Some days I don't want to wear make-up or fancy clothes
Some days I'm so broke that I couldn't pay attention
Some days I walk with my head bowed down in shame
Others I carry enough arrogance that makes me walk tall despite my short stature
Some days I have delusions of grandeur,
Which I call dreams
Others I am humble and meek
To me, which is a sign of being weak
But here I am
 
Here I am
Showing sides of me that the world barely sees
I have given you passage to my vulnerability
Being one of my greatest fears
That is why I am always lonely
Here I am
You hear me laugh to tears
Give the warmest smile in summer
Hold your hand hoping that you reciprocate and don't let go
This is I in my truest form
So here I am
 
Here I am
Nakedly baring my soul
Here I am giving you my all
Take me as I am
Because I take you as you are
Without any expectations of you being 'new and improved'
Cynical,broken or damaged
So please take me as I am
Because here I am
Here I am
I am who I am
Take me as I am
So here I am
Here I Am!

'Here I Am' Taken from 'The Memoirs of A Butterfly with the Broken Wing' 2014 © Eloya Somaine

I repeat the above like affirmations from my favourite bible verse. Some days we are insecure. Other days we just want to be alone. And at times, we yearn for that one person who will say, "I see you". And in them seeing us for who we are, passes no judgment. Instead, they rouse the woman we want to become. 

Dear love interest, if I'm the one that you need, then here I am. I will not manipulate, or force your affection or attention towards me. "If I'm not the one you want, take your time to figure it out. If I'm not the one that you want, then maybe, I will be the one you need," N'Sync. It takes time, and intention to know someone. If you are willing to see this woman as she is, then here I am.

Ladies say this, "Here I am."

If I'm not the one that you want, then maybe I'll be the one you need.

 

May you become the manifestation of God in the flesh...

...the woman you are becoming.

Until the next time, do those eyebrows like an erudite, swing those hips, pout those lips, bat those eyelashes and wear your heels and say...

"Here I am!"

A prochaine fois....au revoir!
 

P.S.: Always write your own love story!
 
Ciao!
 
Lady E

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