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Dirty Laundry Diaries: Getting Back Into the Groove

Being sexually liberated and being in the moment comes from going outside your head.


How does one live in the moment when they are plagued with an ounce of insecurity? There are things that challenge our confidence in things we hope to be masters of. One of these areas happens to be ‘sex’. The discussion about sexual prowess is a very difficult and uncomfortable topic for most. Like who reviews their performance post coitus? Should the sheepish grin or orgasmic face on your partner’s face be the gauge?

In an age where, especially women, are being encouraged to own their sexuality, there is still that gap in ‘satisfaction’. While in Africa the emphasis still remains on pleasing a man, the more modern woman chooses to enjoy her own pleasure. We are owning our sexuality from sex toys to whom we choose to have sex with. However liberated sexuality is considered to some extent, not feminine, at times foreign and mostly immoral.

But when it comes to sexual pleasure we actually need to move away from female socialization (especially in the African context) and social norms. In 2018, I as a woman need to enjoy every single moment of sex. If I choose to indulge and engage in the act, I must never feel ashamed about enjoying my body and what happens to it.

So what happens when you lack some confidence in between the sheets? It’s not that you are bad, but you understand that it could be better. It often seems that men enjoy sex more because it’s centered in the head down below. It’s about being in the moment, getting the job done and coming! In discussions with my female counterparts, sex seems to be more like a chore. Some complain about lack of satisfaction and there’s that concern of ‘ndinonaka here?’ (Am I good?)

For those who might have been out of the game, it’s actually nerve wrecking. Part of you wants to play the experienced game and prove that you still got it. But when it’s time to play, you discover that you wear out quicker than a tyre. It can be very frustrating. So how do you get your groove back? 

We all have heard the term ‘loosen up’? That’s actually the secret to enjoying ‘sex’. Forget the grocery shopping list, or that dentist’s appointment and seize the moment. Move out of your thoughts and your head and allow your body to take over. Yes, the whole thing is carnal, but overthinking won’t reverse what will be happening at that moment. You have already chosen to show your vulnerability with the next person, so why not go all the way. 

Communicating your shortcomings also helps. Okay, so you can’t do ‘69’ like a porn star, but it’s something you can work on. The idea is to not put yourself under pressure to perform but instead, choose to explore. Find out what you like, how you like it and how to do it better. If your partner is willing to meet you halfway and lower their expectations, you can come to a place where you both enjoy your experience.

How do you get your groove back?

Just relax...

P.S. : Always write your own love story.

Lady E

Ciao!




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