‘I just want you to look at me, to see if I can be worth your love,
I just want you to look at me and see that I can be, good enough…’-Good Enough, Jussie Smollett, Empire season 1
Good song I must say, very soulful, lyrically profound and of course produced by one of the best producers of our time and a favourite of mine, Timbaland.
So what does this song have to do with the single ladies series especially looking at the context of the song from the FOX hit series? Well, before I begin, I wave to greet all my fellow single ladies who have been following my trail of thought as well as the journey of a single woman to get one of the most important and at times fulfilling parts of humanity-a committed relationship sealed by the institution called ‘marriage’. Don’t even look at me like that; yes this subject is very much in mind and considering how it often pops up in most of my conversations with both single women-and men.
Well, being an individual who has experienced a very rough path through the journey for Mr Put-a-ring-on-it, there have been a number of personal lessons learnt as well as going through a few self-help books on creating the right vibes to become the ONE-or what people at my church often say, ‘kupenyera’ (to be a bright light/to illuminate). Again, what about being good enough?
Well, after many unsuccessful ‘relationships’, you have obviously found yourself having friends and family tell you, ‘Nah, he’s a jerk! He didn’t deserve you!’ or ‘You are too good for him!’, or my favourite, ‘He wasn’t good enough for you!’ Hmm! Interesting! All above statements and more could be true, but let’s dissect the statements. So the reason this certain man ended things with you, or left you for someone else, or would not commit is because you have so much purity in personality that they were too blind, too stupid or too bad to see it, right? Well, if you have been comforting yourself with this, it’s time to throw out that notion and wake up.
When I started writing the single ladies series, the motivation was to prove to the man who rejected me that I was ‘good enough’, commitment worthy through sharing my perceptions of relationships and most of all my views on marriage-or in short that I was wifey material. Eventually, the series became the female version of Steve Harvey’s bestseller ‘Think Like a Man’ with a lot of the ideologies coming from the men in my life, from advice from my late father, to my uncles, brothers, acquaintances and general consensus from conversation in public. The only thing is that all that’s been discussed has been things that I have personally put into practice so as to prove the practicality of all the notions as well as working towards the end goal.
But with all my efforts to prove that I am ‘good enough’, I discovered the writing, the theories as well as practical proved futile. Truth is when I sat myself down I realised that if you were never ‘good enough’ for that one person in the first place, no amount of change or betterment will make them view you any different. The reason why I am writing about ‘good enough’ is because I am learning that being ‘good enough’ is something that you practice until made perfect. ‘Perfect’ does not mean that you are a complete ten or the ideal however that you possess the qualities that will deem you as ‘good enough’.
The ‘lie’ that we’ve been meditating upon that we are so much better than what the person who did not want to be with us is lethal to the single woman, the heartbroken woman and the woman who yearns for that committed relationship. It’s important that before you move on to the next person, relationship or even a simple date that you have some self-therapy. Do some introspect and retrospect-step out of your own body, mind and situation and go through the Johari Window. To be honest this is actually an emotionally painful and mental tormenting exercise because it requires you to really deal with ‘what really went wrong?’ When you start looking at yourself, he and your situation you realise that you weren’t the ‘saint’ that you thought you were. To be honest you realise that you embody a lot of undesirable traits; you gave it up quickly (please do wear the scarlet letter ‘S’-own it and then change), you are too basic (think of plain rice and soup nothing really special),you are clingy (borderline psychopath), you nag, you are judgmental, immature, impatient, talkative (no bars held and at most suffer from verbal incontinence), too much masculine energy (do you even own anything lace or know what the word ‘dainty’ means? ), lazy, lack vision, careless, and I could go on, but you get my point and have related to two or more ‘undesirables’.
Unfortunately the world is not fair and there is a certain wiring that the male species have that keeps them interested in a female and decide to choose to give a woman commitment and that my ladies does not come by wearing a pair of heels or owning a Louis Vuitton handbag. You work really hard to have your best foot forward as well as creating the ‘desirable’ traits that become long-term. So, you were not ‘good enough’ for him, or the one before and even the one to come because for as long as you look ,speak, think and behave in a certain way you will go through a continuous cycle and might find yourself settling for less. Now that we know who and what we are, what do we do? We work towards change and this is the process that doesn’t happen overnight. First step is to own your poor decisions and character flaws, stop calling that guy a ‘douchebag’ (even if he partly owns the title), he only reacted to what you gave him and I apologise on his behalf that it made you feel like hell, but the goal now is to be ‘good enough’ for the future. Again, I repeat ‘good enough’ does not mean perfection, it just means creating a law of attraction that is positive. I have a philosophy, “It takes a certain type of woman to get the right commitment she wants from any man.” What is good, what is worthy will be seen no matter what and every man knows a good woman when he sees one, so if he uses the line, ‘You are too good for me…’ that’s a lie from the pit of hell and an excuse to ditch you gently.
After taking responsibility, it’s time for action including going through the stages of grief-denial, anger, fear/depression, bargaining and acceptance, this is important because you need to offload baggage that you do not want to carry anywhere in this life or the afterlife. Then you begin your journey to be a better woman, a desirable one by taking the opposite route of the undesirable traits-if you gave it up easily-take the 90-day rule route or even better commit to celibacy (very hard but achievable with a lot discipline and cold showers), if you are basic, or lack vision-take up hobbies outside your comfort zone e.g. allied arts, pottery, learn a new language as well as upgrade your education, if you are talkative-learn to listen more, think before you speak and realise that you do not need to give everybody a piece of your mind (otherwise you will have none of it), it’s okay to keep things to yourself-consider them your personal inside jokes and you can smile to yourself. And of course, tone down the masculine energy, being a damsel in distress does not make you weak or any less in ‘a man’s world’-wear dresses more, bake, wear make-up, watch chick-flicks, be nurturing and vulnerable (believe me there is so much power in feminity if you know how to use it well, you will go far in life).
‘I just want you to look at me, to see if I can be worth your love, I just want you to look at me and see that I can be, good enough…’
One day you will be good enough for someone, even more yourself.
P.S. Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
I just want you to look at me and see that I can be, good enough…’-Good Enough, Jussie Smollett, Empire season 1
Good song I must say, very soulful, lyrically profound and of course produced by one of the best producers of our time and a favourite of mine, Timbaland.
So what does this song have to do with the single ladies series especially looking at the context of the song from the FOX hit series? Well, before I begin, I wave to greet all my fellow single ladies who have been following my trail of thought as well as the journey of a single woman to get one of the most important and at times fulfilling parts of humanity-a committed relationship sealed by the institution called ‘marriage’. Don’t even look at me like that; yes this subject is very much in mind and considering how it often pops up in most of my conversations with both single women-and men.
Well, being an individual who has experienced a very rough path through the journey for Mr Put-a-ring-on-it, there have been a number of personal lessons learnt as well as going through a few self-help books on creating the right vibes to become the ONE-or what people at my church often say, ‘kupenyera’ (to be a bright light/to illuminate). Again, what about being good enough?
Well, after many unsuccessful ‘relationships’, you have obviously found yourself having friends and family tell you, ‘Nah, he’s a jerk! He didn’t deserve you!’ or ‘You are too good for him!’, or my favourite, ‘He wasn’t good enough for you!’ Hmm! Interesting! All above statements and more could be true, but let’s dissect the statements. So the reason this certain man ended things with you, or left you for someone else, or would not commit is because you have so much purity in personality that they were too blind, too stupid or too bad to see it, right? Well, if you have been comforting yourself with this, it’s time to throw out that notion and wake up.
When I started writing the single ladies series, the motivation was to prove to the man who rejected me that I was ‘good enough’, commitment worthy through sharing my perceptions of relationships and most of all my views on marriage-or in short that I was wifey material. Eventually, the series became the female version of Steve Harvey’s bestseller ‘Think Like a Man’ with a lot of the ideologies coming from the men in my life, from advice from my late father, to my uncles, brothers, acquaintances and general consensus from conversation in public. The only thing is that all that’s been discussed has been things that I have personally put into practice so as to prove the practicality of all the notions as well as working towards the end goal.
But with all my efforts to prove that I am ‘good enough’, I discovered the writing, the theories as well as practical proved futile. Truth is when I sat myself down I realised that if you were never ‘good enough’ for that one person in the first place, no amount of change or betterment will make them view you any different. The reason why I am writing about ‘good enough’ is because I am learning that being ‘good enough’ is something that you practice until made perfect. ‘Perfect’ does not mean that you are a complete ten or the ideal however that you possess the qualities that will deem you as ‘good enough’.
The ‘lie’ that we’ve been meditating upon that we are so much better than what the person who did not want to be with us is lethal to the single woman, the heartbroken woman and the woman who yearns for that committed relationship. It’s important that before you move on to the next person, relationship or even a simple date that you have some self-therapy. Do some introspect and retrospect-step out of your own body, mind and situation and go through the Johari Window. To be honest this is actually an emotionally painful and mental tormenting exercise because it requires you to really deal with ‘what really went wrong?’ When you start looking at yourself, he and your situation you realise that you weren’t the ‘saint’ that you thought you were. To be honest you realise that you embody a lot of undesirable traits; you gave it up quickly (please do wear the scarlet letter ‘S’-own it and then change), you are too basic (think of plain rice and soup nothing really special),you are clingy (borderline psychopath), you nag, you are judgmental, immature, impatient, talkative (no bars held and at most suffer from verbal incontinence), too much masculine energy (do you even own anything lace or know what the word ‘dainty’ means? ), lazy, lack vision, careless, and I could go on, but you get my point and have related to two or more ‘undesirables’.
Unfortunately the world is not fair and there is a certain wiring that the male species have that keeps them interested in a female and decide to choose to give a woman commitment and that my ladies does not come by wearing a pair of heels or owning a Louis Vuitton handbag. You work really hard to have your best foot forward as well as creating the ‘desirable’ traits that become long-term. So, you were not ‘good enough’ for him, or the one before and even the one to come because for as long as you look ,speak, think and behave in a certain way you will go through a continuous cycle and might find yourself settling for less. Now that we know who and what we are, what do we do? We work towards change and this is the process that doesn’t happen overnight. First step is to own your poor decisions and character flaws, stop calling that guy a ‘douchebag’ (even if he partly owns the title), he only reacted to what you gave him and I apologise on his behalf that it made you feel like hell, but the goal now is to be ‘good enough’ for the future. Again, I repeat ‘good enough’ does not mean perfection, it just means creating a law of attraction that is positive. I have a philosophy, “It takes a certain type of woman to get the right commitment she wants from any man.” What is good, what is worthy will be seen no matter what and every man knows a good woman when he sees one, so if he uses the line, ‘You are too good for me…’ that’s a lie from the pit of hell and an excuse to ditch you gently.
After taking responsibility, it’s time for action including going through the stages of grief-denial, anger, fear/depression, bargaining and acceptance, this is important because you need to offload baggage that you do not want to carry anywhere in this life or the afterlife. Then you begin your journey to be a better woman, a desirable one by taking the opposite route of the undesirable traits-if you gave it up easily-take the 90-day rule route or even better commit to celibacy (very hard but achievable with a lot discipline and cold showers), if you are basic, or lack vision-take up hobbies outside your comfort zone e.g. allied arts, pottery, learn a new language as well as upgrade your education, if you are talkative-learn to listen more, think before you speak and realise that you do not need to give everybody a piece of your mind (otherwise you will have none of it), it’s okay to keep things to yourself-consider them your personal inside jokes and you can smile to yourself. And of course, tone down the masculine energy, being a damsel in distress does not make you weak or any less in ‘a man’s world’-wear dresses more, bake, wear make-up, watch chick-flicks, be nurturing and vulnerable (believe me there is so much power in feminity if you know how to use it well, you will go far in life).
‘I just want you to look at me, to see if I can be worth your love, I just want you to look at me and see that I can be, good enough…’
One day you will be good enough for someone, even more yourself.
P.S. Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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