I am in need of a date for the 4th of October...
I'm just putting it out there! Erm, it's just a date! I need a guy who can swag up in a suit whilst I slay in a gorgeous evening gown for an event. The contract ends just like Cinderella's night at the ball...we turn back into pumpkins! Laughs! But on the real, I am not looking for a date-turn-boyfriend, I'm good. Talking about being good, hello single ladies! Beyoncé wave.
How have you been? I am well thank you. It's just me and this 'pressure' to have a somebody for this event. Why can't you ask your high school crush someone suggests. I'm a wimp! Confronting that issue scares the shit out of me. Plus, he lives on a coast far away from me. Do we seriously think that he would stop everything and fly to be my date for just one day?
And that's probably one of the several reasons I remain single. On the subject of being single, we had a teaching about relationships and being single at church. If you are an African woman, you might have heard, "Are you okay?", "She might need cleansing, it's not normal," or, "Stop being picky, men are all the same, just get married." My favourite has to be, "We are praying for you." I remember my mum's sister smearing anointing oil all over me. I recall her saying, "Ndirikuda mukwasha! You're a beautiful girl, you must not remain unwed." Mios dios!
Yes, it is odd, even ungodly to be a spinster like Bridget Jones. You need to do something to coerce these bachelors to put-a-ring-on-it. Oh, you think that because I am a single mum, the pressure isn't on. Forget! I'm always told that there are good men who would marry me and adopt my child. "It's good that you are chaste and not having a zoo of children with different fathers," they say. "One poor choice is okay, not an entire circus." Don't even try arguing about not being interested in partnership or marriage. Your conservative family may question your sexuality, which becomes another issue.
So why am I single? A beautiful, driven, God fearing woman who can cook, clean and what Ludacris said. I guess I am not the only one who's often walking down that rhetoric. Is it choice? Are there no guys chasing after you? Or maybe you actually need to come out despite perceptions? Are you frumpy, or angry? Eish, the list could go on.
Well, after introspection I understood my flaws in that department, I just need to be baptised in the river Jordan. But many of us are now so used to being single that it's a comfort zone. Some find relationships inconveniences because they can do bad by themselves. Others have walls set up to protect themselves from being hurt again. It's understandable but for how long?
A while ago I explained to the fellas why most of them remain in the 'friend zone'. It's all about behaviour and perception, but it all goes down to choices. Today I sit in the therapist chair to help my fellow single ladies dissect the causative organism for our singledom. Below are the seven reasons why single is your current bae.
1. You are confused
It's hard to make a decision when there are so many voices speaking into your ear. Believe me! An angel on your left shoulder will chastise you from poor choices. The devil on the right will whisper, YOLO, just live your life. Decisions, decisions, what are going to do? You are single because you aren't sure of what you want from a relationship. Some ideologies sound good on paper but aren't practical IRL. You want a 'Notebook' kind of love but there's only one Ryan Gosling to play that role. You want a good man, really you do, but you keep entertaining fuck boys. Oh my, what's a girl to do?
Before you embark on the journey to 'I do', maybe you need to be firm with yourself. Stand your ground and be principled. Let your 'Yes' be a 'yes' and your 'No' exactly that. A smart, good man respects a woman of substance. Know what you want and stick to your guns. You can't be a headless chicken!
2. Immaturity
Confusion and immaturity are in the same Whatsapp group but different as well. Someone can be confident yet think in the same line as a four year old.Just as we encounter grown male children, there are female versions. Ever attended a wedding where you feel sorry for the groom? You acknowledge that he's committing himself to babysitting. I raise both of my hands. Ladies some of us are childish in all aspects. I will quote a tweet by Mr X, "Being in your twenties doesn't make you an adult." Hmm, I wonder if that was directed at me? Nah! But when I did meet him, I was immature, very, and not in a sexy way. It's one thing to be girly and childlike but it's another to act like a child. Men do find childlike feminity endearing but they want mature partners. A Michelle to his Barack, a Connie to his Shona and perhaps a Bey to his Hov.
A secret from the guys, when you are an immature female, they take you as playthings. Not a woman that they can be serious with. In addition, your own immaturity will swerve any potential good relationship because you want things done your way. You pull off a Jofferey Lannister, my bad, Baratheon on your dates or relationships.
My resolution for you: grow up! There's a context to 'Grown Woman', so hold up on relating to the chorus. You need to come to a place of owning your big girl panties and the responsibilities that come with them.
3. Baggage claim
Erykah Badu sang about a bag lady. We ladies love our bags because they are so functional. What happens when you have a load of them and you bring them into a relationship? I'm talking about those bags of issues, bitterness, unresolved heartbreak and the coins of dissatisfaction. Don't look on the side, I'm talking to you queen.
I previously highlighted that pain makes great company. Pain hurts so much it feels so good to wrap your arms around it. Clearly no one wants to wrap their arms around you for longer than Milli Vanilli's Grammy award. I was that woman at one point. Do you remember Sam? The good guy that I mentioned in 'Thank you, next'. I met Sam when I had baggage. He was so patient and understanding. The most mature thing that he said and did was to allow me space to heal. We later became friends and he even highlighted my real issue with having relationships. You see, Sam is a psychologist, so yeah, makes sense.
Ladies we aren't going nowhere with that baggage. It's too heavy a load for anyone to carry. We too get to a point of exhaustion of carrying that load. Yes, every human being is allowed to have issues. What's not right is failing to deal with them and blame others for our flaws. Let's start unpacking those bags. I repeat, walk around with a light piece of hand luggage.
4. Daddy issues
This is a very sad and common ground for many of us. I have realised even women who had good relationships with their fathers can have daddy issues. This happens when the father passes on, or he's separated from a woman's female parent. That absence can lead to a search for the 'one like my father'. I am guilty as charged!
A great dad like mine, set a bar that's unmatched. Finding a man like him is like finding a unicorn. An awful, deadbeat father is so easy to follow-up. Any guy who is like the absent father is fantastic at disappointing and breaking your heart. What the two scenarios have in common is the fact that no guy will be good enough.
In that case, we would rather be single and romanticise our ideal partners according to daddy's standards. I have never lied about my comparison of guys against my father. Summer Dream and Genesis have quirks like my daddy. Even QJ and my mentor have physical features that remind me of my father. That's a dangerous ground to tread though.
The solution is to divorce our fathers from our partners or potential mates. Daddy is a unique man whether he's a superhero or an asshole. Your man is unique because he is writing his own narrative in your life. He can never be like the influential males in your life. He is not your father, or brother or granddaddy. He is the man whose role is just as valuable yet different in your life. Once we can uphold daddy's lessons but avoid being daddy's girl, we will be much happier.
5. It's spiritual
This point only makes sense to those who believe. In Africa, we believe strongly in the spiritual. I have heard of stories about women who are beautiful and wifey material but men are repulsed by them. Apparently, when guys see this woman they see the spiritual face of a man or an old woman. For other women, there are marriages to 'spiritual husbands'. This phenomenon might sound strange to aethist or individuals from other cultures. But for a woman struggling to find 'the one', it's no laughing matter. It's actually sad.
If you believe that you fit these criteria, seek spiritual deliverance. Some go traditional and perform cleansing rituals. Others seek counsel from evangelists with the gift and training in deliverance.
This is the last resort when as a woman you have been all you need to be 'wifey' yet you find that patterns of bad or non-existant relationships occur in your life. There are known symptoms of singleness caused by spiritual activities. These include constant dreams of sex, disappointments at the edge of marriage, men only interested in sleeping with you and not offering commitment and being wed in your dreams. Those are actual living nightmares that require a calabash (gate), holy water, and tongues.
Again, this point isn't for non-believers and skeptics. You can skip to the next point.
6. It's not time yet
You have gone through therapy, unpacked the baggage, clean up nicely and smile, what's next. You are confident that you are ready for a committed and intentional relationship but you are still single. And maybe you have gone a step further at point number five in receiving spiritual guidance. So why are we still single?
Because it's not yet time. At this point, it's a great time to enjoy singledom. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you and you know that as a fact. You just haven't met the guy who's on the same wavelength as you. You are grown, confident, and assertive. You will know when you know, but for now, don't sweat it. Enjoy the ride!
7. YDGAF
What our mothers and even ancestors don't acknowledge is that times have changed. Yes, there are women who consciously choose to be single. Now there's Oprah single, where you have a long-term relationship but don't need that ring-on-it. Then there's single, single where you are actually happy with your own company.
Now I don't know that many 'Singlerellas' fall into the second definition, but they are there. Some women just don't care about commitment or children. They choose to wake up with hangovers, travel the world, and give their time to charity. And they are fulfilled.
After writing all the above, I would like to say, there is nothing wrong with being single. Society, family, and religion project their insecurities on us to find partners at their time.
The most important relationship to seek and have is with yourself. And if you are a woman of faith, then having one with your creator is even greater. Relationships, not even marriage, are a huge commitment. It requires giving up your own freedom, signing concessions to keep the peace, and trying to make someone else's child happy 24/7. Are you really ready for that?
But if you must, and you really want to get off the singles bus, then go through the above list. Do deal with those minor issues and red flags before trying to get somebody.
And remember single ladies, two eyebrows on fleek, a sexy freakum dress, high heels, and a smile.
All the best!
Until the next time...you are fearfully and wonderfully created!
Ciao!
Lady E
I'm just putting it out there! Erm, it's just a date! I need a guy who can swag up in a suit whilst I slay in a gorgeous evening gown for an event. The contract ends just like Cinderella's night at the ball...we turn back into pumpkins! Laughs! But on the real, I am not looking for a date-turn-boyfriend, I'm good. Talking about being good, hello single ladies! Beyoncé wave.
How have you been? I am well thank you. It's just me and this 'pressure' to have a somebody for this event. Why can't you ask your high school crush someone suggests. I'm a wimp! Confronting that issue scares the shit out of me. Plus, he lives on a coast far away from me. Do we seriously think that he would stop everything and fly to be my date for just one day?
And that's probably one of the several reasons I remain single. On the subject of being single, we had a teaching about relationships and being single at church. If you are an African woman, you might have heard, "Are you okay?", "She might need cleansing, it's not normal," or, "Stop being picky, men are all the same, just get married." My favourite has to be, "We are praying for you." I remember my mum's sister smearing anointing oil all over me. I recall her saying, "Ndirikuda mukwasha! You're a beautiful girl, you must not remain unwed." Mios dios!
Yes, it is odd, even ungodly to be a spinster like Bridget Jones. You need to do something to coerce these bachelors to put-a-ring-on-it. Oh, you think that because I am a single mum, the pressure isn't on. Forget! I'm always told that there are good men who would marry me and adopt my child. "It's good that you are chaste and not having a zoo of children with different fathers," they say. "One poor choice is okay, not an entire circus." Don't even try arguing about not being interested in partnership or marriage. Your conservative family may question your sexuality, which becomes another issue.
So why am I single? A beautiful, driven, God fearing woman who can cook, clean and what Ludacris said. I guess I am not the only one who's often walking down that rhetoric. Is it choice? Are there no guys chasing after you? Or maybe you actually need to come out despite perceptions? Are you frumpy, or angry? Eish, the list could go on.
Well, after introspection I understood my flaws in that department, I just need to be baptised in the river Jordan. But many of us are now so used to being single that it's a comfort zone. Some find relationships inconveniences because they can do bad by themselves. Others have walls set up to protect themselves from being hurt again. It's understandable but for how long?
A while ago I explained to the fellas why most of them remain in the 'friend zone'. It's all about behaviour and perception, but it all goes down to choices. Today I sit in the therapist chair to help my fellow single ladies dissect the causative organism for our singledom. Below are the seven reasons why single is your current bae.
1. You are confused
It's hard to make a decision when there are so many voices speaking into your ear. Believe me! An angel on your left shoulder will chastise you from poor choices. The devil on the right will whisper, YOLO, just live your life. Decisions, decisions, what are going to do? You are single because you aren't sure of what you want from a relationship. Some ideologies sound good on paper but aren't practical IRL. You want a 'Notebook' kind of love but there's only one Ryan Gosling to play that role. You want a good man, really you do, but you keep entertaining fuck boys. Oh my, what's a girl to do?
Before you embark on the journey to 'I do', maybe you need to be firm with yourself. Stand your ground and be principled. Let your 'Yes' be a 'yes' and your 'No' exactly that. A smart, good man respects a woman of substance. Know what you want and stick to your guns. You can't be a headless chicken!
2. Immaturity
Confusion and immaturity are in the same Whatsapp group but different as well. Someone can be confident yet think in the same line as a four year old.Just as we encounter grown male children, there are female versions. Ever attended a wedding where you feel sorry for the groom? You acknowledge that he's committing himself to babysitting. I raise both of my hands. Ladies some of us are childish in all aspects. I will quote a tweet by Mr X, "Being in your twenties doesn't make you an adult." Hmm, I wonder if that was directed at me? Nah! But when I did meet him, I was immature, very, and not in a sexy way. It's one thing to be girly and childlike but it's another to act like a child. Men do find childlike feminity endearing but they want mature partners. A Michelle to his Barack, a Connie to his Shona and perhaps a Bey to his Hov.
A secret from the guys, when you are an immature female, they take you as playthings. Not a woman that they can be serious with. In addition, your own immaturity will swerve any potential good relationship because you want things done your way. You pull off a Jofferey Lannister, my bad, Baratheon on your dates or relationships.
My resolution for you: grow up! There's a context to 'Grown Woman', so hold up on relating to the chorus. You need to come to a place of owning your big girl panties and the responsibilities that come with them.
3. Baggage claim
Erykah Badu sang about a bag lady. We ladies love our bags because they are so functional. What happens when you have a load of them and you bring them into a relationship? I'm talking about those bags of issues, bitterness, unresolved heartbreak and the coins of dissatisfaction. Don't look on the side, I'm talking to you queen.
I previously highlighted that pain makes great company. Pain hurts so much it feels so good to wrap your arms around it. Clearly no one wants to wrap their arms around you for longer than Milli Vanilli's Grammy award. I was that woman at one point. Do you remember Sam? The good guy that I mentioned in 'Thank you, next'. I met Sam when I had baggage. He was so patient and understanding. The most mature thing that he said and did was to allow me space to heal. We later became friends and he even highlighted my real issue with having relationships. You see, Sam is a psychologist, so yeah, makes sense.
Ladies we aren't going nowhere with that baggage. It's too heavy a load for anyone to carry. We too get to a point of exhaustion of carrying that load. Yes, every human being is allowed to have issues. What's not right is failing to deal with them and blame others for our flaws. Let's start unpacking those bags. I repeat, walk around with a light piece of hand luggage.
4. Daddy issues
This is a very sad and common ground for many of us. I have realised even women who had good relationships with their fathers can have daddy issues. This happens when the father passes on, or he's separated from a woman's female parent. That absence can lead to a search for the 'one like my father'. I am guilty as charged!
A great dad like mine, set a bar that's unmatched. Finding a man like him is like finding a unicorn. An awful, deadbeat father is so easy to follow-up. Any guy who is like the absent father is fantastic at disappointing and breaking your heart. What the two scenarios have in common is the fact that no guy will be good enough.
In that case, we would rather be single and romanticise our ideal partners according to daddy's standards. I have never lied about my comparison of guys against my father. Summer Dream and Genesis have quirks like my daddy. Even QJ and my mentor have physical features that remind me of my father. That's a dangerous ground to tread though.
The solution is to divorce our fathers from our partners or potential mates. Daddy is a unique man whether he's a superhero or an asshole. Your man is unique because he is writing his own narrative in your life. He can never be like the influential males in your life. He is not your father, or brother or granddaddy. He is the man whose role is just as valuable yet different in your life. Once we can uphold daddy's lessons but avoid being daddy's girl, we will be much happier.
5. It's spiritual
This point only makes sense to those who believe. In Africa, we believe strongly in the spiritual. I have heard of stories about women who are beautiful and wifey material but men are repulsed by them. Apparently, when guys see this woman they see the spiritual face of a man or an old woman. For other women, there are marriages to 'spiritual husbands'. This phenomenon might sound strange to aethist or individuals from other cultures. But for a woman struggling to find 'the one', it's no laughing matter. It's actually sad.
If you believe that you fit these criteria, seek spiritual deliverance. Some go traditional and perform cleansing rituals. Others seek counsel from evangelists with the gift and training in deliverance.
This is the last resort when as a woman you have been all you need to be 'wifey' yet you find that patterns of bad or non-existant relationships occur in your life. There are known symptoms of singleness caused by spiritual activities. These include constant dreams of sex, disappointments at the edge of marriage, men only interested in sleeping with you and not offering commitment and being wed in your dreams. Those are actual living nightmares that require a calabash (gate), holy water, and tongues.
Again, this point isn't for non-believers and skeptics. You can skip to the next point.
6. It's not time yet
You have gone through therapy, unpacked the baggage, clean up nicely and smile, what's next. You are confident that you are ready for a committed and intentional relationship but you are still single. And maybe you have gone a step further at point number five in receiving spiritual guidance. So why are we still single?
Because it's not yet time. At this point, it's a great time to enjoy singledom. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you and you know that as a fact. You just haven't met the guy who's on the same wavelength as you. You are grown, confident, and assertive. You will know when you know, but for now, don't sweat it. Enjoy the ride!
7. YDGAF
What our mothers and even ancestors don't acknowledge is that times have changed. Yes, there are women who consciously choose to be single. Now there's Oprah single, where you have a long-term relationship but don't need that ring-on-it. Then there's single, single where you are actually happy with your own company.
Now I don't know that many 'Singlerellas' fall into the second definition, but they are there. Some women just don't care about commitment or children. They choose to wake up with hangovers, travel the world, and give their time to charity. And they are fulfilled.
After writing all the above, I would like to say, there is nothing wrong with being single. Society, family, and religion project their insecurities on us to find partners at their time.
The most important relationship to seek and have is with yourself. And if you are a woman of faith, then having one with your creator is even greater. Relationships, not even marriage, are a huge commitment. It requires giving up your own freedom, signing concessions to keep the peace, and trying to make someone else's child happy 24/7. Are you really ready for that?
But if you must, and you really want to get off the singles bus, then go through the above list. Do deal with those minor issues and red flags before trying to get somebody.
And remember single ladies, two eyebrows on fleek, a sexy freakum dress, high heels, and a smile.
All the best!
Until the next time...you are fearfully and wonderfully created!
Ciao!
Lady E
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