What do you say to the god of death?
"Not today!" - Arya Stark, Game of Thrones
In 1981, news broke that Motown recording artist, Marvin Gaye had passed away. Now it being the first of April, many assumed that it was a hoax, given that it's April Fools day. Not that day! Marvin Gaye was fatally shot by his own father during an altercation.
It's the first day of the month during the international lockdown. Locally, we are on day 3, whilst many outside our borders have gone more than a week, some even months. April Fools day is always a great way to have pull off pranks in any space. Social media has taken this day to levels. Sometimes it's funny, at other times people can be so insensitive. But not today!
This April Fools, the jokes on us!
I am scrolling down my timelines on social media, checking out WhatsApp statuses and talking to people. To be honest, I need a break. With that said, let's join the single ladies shall we?
Beyoncé wave, hello everybody! Today single ladies, we are joined by a wider audience. There's been something on my mind for a while. With my siblings' pending nuptials, I analysed the issue of the 'one', the checklist and deal breakers.
One of the famous couples whom I'm emotionally invested in celebrated their 'first date' anniversary. Ciara and Russell Wilson celebrated their fifth anniversary from the time that they first met. For the longest time women have been in awe of the couple's relationship. The fact that Cici moved on from a guy who cheated on her and likely not to commit to a single man, who chose to be a father to her son and offer her a lifetime commitment. Hell, K Michelle even has a song titled, 'Ciara's prayer'. In all the awe though, we really have never heard Russell Wilson's story. Fortunately, after their Instagram live, a writer at xoNecole shared anecdotes from Russell Wilson. Let's call it 'Russell's Prayer'.
Russell shared that he prayed for the type of woman that he wanted. His list was specific, with five vital points for the 'One'. These prayer points were also deal breakers. He prayed for a woman who believed in God, is ready to settle down, faithful, her own person and lastly, she tilts the room. His prayer aligned with Ciara's and by the hand of God the two met, courted whilst remaining celibate, got married and baby number three is on the way. According to the xoNecole writer, Russell Wilson was intentional with his prayer. I mentioned in a previous blog that a 'good man' is intentional. She also discusses not settling for less than what you specifically want.
I shared a bit about what my newly engaged brother wanted in a woman. His list had a name and face to that checklist. From the day that he wrote down his checklist, until the day that he proposed, his fiancé was the 'One'. Of course, they have grown up, and stronger, defying the odds together. Saying all that makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic, and absolutely happy for this couple whom I'm also emotionally invested in. Side note: I'm so stoked about their wedding!
The 'One', the checklist, and deal breakers.
Solange singing, "There's this guy that I'm digging, what I've been looking for, I don't know where to begin." Yes audience, I have an interest, let's call him 'Lion king' (his totem is the lion). Y'all, Lion king is fiiine, he has that Don Cornelius voice a.k.a the radio voice, dresses well, and always smells nice. Check! He is a man of faith, has children from previous relationships but is an involved father, has a decent nine to five job as well as side hustles. Check! Tall, check, well mannered, check, athletic, check, a polyglot, extra check, however there's a but. So yes, there's a great checklist of what I want from the physical to the psychosocial attributes of the 'One'. After reading the above mentioned article, I started really thinking.
I don't think that Lion king is the 'One', but I do like him. After going through the checklist, I went through my old diaries with my prayers. What were the specifics when I was prayed for a husband? What did I need him to come in as? What qualities would he possess that would endear me to say 'I do'? I then picked up seven specific points that were consistent throughout the years. Ironically, seven is my favourite number, and my birth month.
Going deeper there is the issue of alignment. Here's where I believe that we miss the mark. We want what we want but do we meet what we want? I remember a sermon by Creflo Dollar about meeting the 'One', and marriage. He said that while you are praying for a mate, do you meet those qualities that you are praying for. For example, we want an attractive partner, who dresses well and smells nice, but do we even bother to take a shower? Do we know how to match our outfits? Do we make effort to look good even in our joggers at home? How many miles did you walk or run around the neighbourhood? Let's go back to Ciara and Russell Wilson. Their prayers aligned with each other and even better, when they dated, they shared common beliefs about remaining chaste until marriage. To many, that's not practical, even more probably whack. Well, each to their own.
I then asked myself, of the seven qualities, how many do I meet? Am I able to be a submissive wife to that loving husband? How do I treat other people's children? Am I the evil aunt/stepmother, or do I treat them as my own, support, discipline and all? Am I patient enough as people work through their issues to become healthier, emotionally intelligent and accountable human beings? The above three out of seven questions meet the following points:
A man who is loving - loves me, is in-love with me and loves my daughter.
A man who will take my daughter and raise her as his own as a father should
A man who is patient with being a work in progress that includes therapy, counselling, and prayer
Of course, sharing the same faith is also a major point. The others will remain as my private conversations with the almighty. But we get the point, right? I believe that the 'One' is not an ideal but someone who you are aligned with. I'm not saying pair up with another version of you however, the foundation of your coupling must be based on common ground. When I look at Barack and Michelle Obama, I see a common foundation. Professionally, they were both lawyers, and in their purpose, they wanted to serve and build marginalised communities. In terms of background, the couple are by far different. Through their biographies and interviews, we found out that Michelle hated politics, whilst Barack had political ambitions. Yet still, their common ground was to make a difference. Of course all relationships come with compromise. Remember we come from different backgrounds and were raised in often opposite directions. This includes our attitudes towards money, parenting styles, love languages, stress management (fight or flight), down to eating habits and leisure.
This then takes us to the deal breakers. For some the checklist is the deal breaker. For others it's a bit nuance. For me, generosity on my checklist isn't a deal breaker but abuse in all its forms is. The first slap, or abusive slur ends the relationship. Infidelity is also a deal breaker for me. The grass is never greener on the other side, communicate with me my flaws so that we can remain intimate. By the way, intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex. (Just educating those who skipped English class) My child is also a deal breaker, actually number one on the list. I will not compromise when it comes to my child. But as the xoNecole writer shared, you can't have three or four out of five from your list. That's settling for less. Should the checklist be the alpha and omega of what you want in the 'One'? Looking at my checklist, that's one hell long list of deal breakers. I think that the checklist is different from the specifics which I call the 'Essential list'. These are the deeper qualities that serve to meet your needs, beliefs and vision. The checklist can have things like good in bed, can cook, can dance etc, things that can be taught or learnt together. Seriously, would I turn down a guy because he can't dance Kizomba? Wait, let me think....
We have been told to stop being picky, but I do believe that we need to understand what we pick.
But we return to alignment and being specific. I told one friend, if you pick crazy, you better be ready for crazy. He is in a delightfully entertaining position of being with a woman whom he has to sleep with one eye open. Some people surely know how to pick them. I could go to lengths to share a detailed analysis of my friend's predicament, but not today!
Today is April Fools day, but nothing I have said above is a joke. We are all quarantined, and probably bored stiff. I was bored the hack that's why I went to lengths about a topic that after reading everything else, is cliché, and probably doesn't make sense.
Yet still, that article about Russell's Prayer was enlightening. Short, sweet and precise.
Now we all have some homework to do if lifetime commitment is part of our 20/20 vision. Pens out, pen down the essential five...seven...or ten, and as for the checklist...check, check, check!
What do you say to COVID 19?
Not today!
Stay safe, stay home, take a shower, brush your teeth and stay grateful!
Until the next session...
P.S. : Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
"Not today!" - Arya Stark, Game of Thrones
In 1981, news broke that Motown recording artist, Marvin Gaye had passed away. Now it being the first of April, many assumed that it was a hoax, given that it's April Fools day. Not that day! Marvin Gaye was fatally shot by his own father during an altercation.
It's the first day of the month during the international lockdown. Locally, we are on day 3, whilst many outside our borders have gone more than a week, some even months. April Fools day is always a great way to have pull off pranks in any space. Social media has taken this day to levels. Sometimes it's funny, at other times people can be so insensitive. But not today!
This April Fools, the jokes on us!
I am scrolling down my timelines on social media, checking out WhatsApp statuses and talking to people. To be honest, I need a break. With that said, let's join the single ladies shall we?
Beyoncé wave, hello everybody! Today single ladies, we are joined by a wider audience. There's been something on my mind for a while. With my siblings' pending nuptials, I analysed the issue of the 'one', the checklist and deal breakers.
One of the famous couples whom I'm emotionally invested in celebrated their 'first date' anniversary. Ciara and Russell Wilson celebrated their fifth anniversary from the time that they first met. For the longest time women have been in awe of the couple's relationship. The fact that Cici moved on from a guy who cheated on her and likely not to commit to a single man, who chose to be a father to her son and offer her a lifetime commitment. Hell, K Michelle even has a song titled, 'Ciara's prayer'. In all the awe though, we really have never heard Russell Wilson's story. Fortunately, after their Instagram live, a writer at xoNecole shared anecdotes from Russell Wilson. Let's call it 'Russell's Prayer'.
Russell shared that he prayed for the type of woman that he wanted. His list was specific, with five vital points for the 'One'. These prayer points were also deal breakers. He prayed for a woman who believed in God, is ready to settle down, faithful, her own person and lastly, she tilts the room. His prayer aligned with Ciara's and by the hand of God the two met, courted whilst remaining celibate, got married and baby number three is on the way. According to the xoNecole writer, Russell Wilson was intentional with his prayer. I mentioned in a previous blog that a 'good man' is intentional. She also discusses not settling for less than what you specifically want.
I shared a bit about what my newly engaged brother wanted in a woman. His list had a name and face to that checklist. From the day that he wrote down his checklist, until the day that he proposed, his fiancé was the 'One'. Of course, they have grown up, and stronger, defying the odds together. Saying all that makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic, and absolutely happy for this couple whom I'm also emotionally invested in. Side note: I'm so stoked about their wedding!
The 'One', the checklist, and deal breakers.
Solange singing, "There's this guy that I'm digging, what I've been looking for, I don't know where to begin." Yes audience, I have an interest, let's call him 'Lion king' (his totem is the lion). Y'all, Lion king is fiiine, he has that Don Cornelius voice a.k.a the radio voice, dresses well, and always smells nice. Check! He is a man of faith, has children from previous relationships but is an involved father, has a decent nine to five job as well as side hustles. Check! Tall, check, well mannered, check, athletic, check, a polyglot, extra check, however there's a but. So yes, there's a great checklist of what I want from the physical to the psychosocial attributes of the 'One'. After reading the above mentioned article, I started really thinking.
I don't think that Lion king is the 'One', but I do like him. After going through the checklist, I went through my old diaries with my prayers. What were the specifics when I was prayed for a husband? What did I need him to come in as? What qualities would he possess that would endear me to say 'I do'? I then picked up seven specific points that were consistent throughout the years. Ironically, seven is my favourite number, and my birth month.
Going deeper there is the issue of alignment. Here's where I believe that we miss the mark. We want what we want but do we meet what we want? I remember a sermon by Creflo Dollar about meeting the 'One', and marriage. He said that while you are praying for a mate, do you meet those qualities that you are praying for. For example, we want an attractive partner, who dresses well and smells nice, but do we even bother to take a shower? Do we know how to match our outfits? Do we make effort to look good even in our joggers at home? How many miles did you walk or run around the neighbourhood? Let's go back to Ciara and Russell Wilson. Their prayers aligned with each other and even better, when they dated, they shared common beliefs about remaining chaste until marriage. To many, that's not practical, even more probably whack. Well, each to their own.
I then asked myself, of the seven qualities, how many do I meet? Am I able to be a submissive wife to that loving husband? How do I treat other people's children? Am I the evil aunt/stepmother, or do I treat them as my own, support, discipline and all? Am I patient enough as people work through their issues to become healthier, emotionally intelligent and accountable human beings? The above three out of seven questions meet the following points:
A man who is loving - loves me, is in-love with me and loves my daughter.
A man who will take my daughter and raise her as his own as a father should
A man who is patient with being a work in progress that includes therapy, counselling, and prayer
Of course, sharing the same faith is also a major point. The others will remain as my private conversations with the almighty. But we get the point, right? I believe that the 'One' is not an ideal but someone who you are aligned with. I'm not saying pair up with another version of you however, the foundation of your coupling must be based on common ground. When I look at Barack and Michelle Obama, I see a common foundation. Professionally, they were both lawyers, and in their purpose, they wanted to serve and build marginalised communities. In terms of background, the couple are by far different. Through their biographies and interviews, we found out that Michelle hated politics, whilst Barack had political ambitions. Yet still, their common ground was to make a difference. Of course all relationships come with compromise. Remember we come from different backgrounds and were raised in often opposite directions. This includes our attitudes towards money, parenting styles, love languages, stress management (fight or flight), down to eating habits and leisure.
This then takes us to the deal breakers. For some the checklist is the deal breaker. For others it's a bit nuance. For me, generosity on my checklist isn't a deal breaker but abuse in all its forms is. The first slap, or abusive slur ends the relationship. Infidelity is also a deal breaker for me. The grass is never greener on the other side, communicate with me my flaws so that we can remain intimate. By the way, intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex. (Just educating those who skipped English class) My child is also a deal breaker, actually number one on the list. I will not compromise when it comes to my child. But as the xoNecole writer shared, you can't have three or four out of five from your list. That's settling for less. Should the checklist be the alpha and omega of what you want in the 'One'? Looking at my checklist, that's one hell long list of deal breakers. I think that the checklist is different from the specifics which I call the 'Essential list'. These are the deeper qualities that serve to meet your needs, beliefs and vision. The checklist can have things like good in bed, can cook, can dance etc, things that can be taught or learnt together. Seriously, would I turn down a guy because he can't dance Kizomba? Wait, let me think....
We have been told to stop being picky, but I do believe that we need to understand what we pick.
But we return to alignment and being specific. I told one friend, if you pick crazy, you better be ready for crazy. He is in a delightfully entertaining position of being with a woman whom he has to sleep with one eye open. Some people surely know how to pick them. I could go to lengths to share a detailed analysis of my friend's predicament, but not today!
Today is April Fools day, but nothing I have said above is a joke. We are all quarantined, and probably bored stiff. I was bored the hack that's why I went to lengths about a topic that after reading everything else, is cliché, and probably doesn't make sense.
Yet still, that article about Russell's Prayer was enlightening. Short, sweet and precise.
Now we all have some homework to do if lifetime commitment is part of our 20/20 vision. Pens out, pen down the essential five...seven...or ten, and as for the checklist...check, check, check!
What do you say to COVID 19?
Not today!
Stay safe, stay home, take a shower, brush your teeth and stay grateful!
Until the next session...
P.S. : Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
Comments
Post a Comment