“Every father bears a fundamental obligation to do right by their children,” - Barack Obama
With the hype and quotes around Michelle Obama’s book, ‘Becoming’, Barack seems to be the ‘ideal man’. Of course he is only human and bound to err, but for purposes of this discussion, his quotes are a point of reference. We live in an age of great access to information whether negative or positive. We are also in a space for more conversation about sexual liberation.
In a previous post, I shared about the modern woman owning her sexuality. And I still stand firmly by that stance, because ownership of one’s sexuality also reflects upon other areas of their life. That point was also touched on, when I discussed about celibacy. The point is that we are in charge of what mostly happens in our lives based on our ‘choices’.
Part of choice is being responsible and accountable. Responsibility isn’t fun to be honest but it’s necessary especially for maturity. In other parts of our lives, responsibility needs to be shared. One of those areas is parenthood.
Over the years, I have shared the challenges of being a single mother. I have also highlighted the blessing of having had a healthy relationship with my own father. Furthermore I continue to drive the need to have present, responsible fathers in our society. As an empowered woman and adult who’s a work in progress, I believe that I need to take control of situations.
Ladies, most of us know the anxiety of waiting for that pee stick to define our possible future. Your head is bursting with thoughts and wondering “How could I be so stupid?” Erm, it wasn’t necessarily being stupid but a slight lack of wisdom due to ‘being in the moment’. Before the pee stick a.k.a pregnancy test kit, you might have had an awful day due to the emergency pill. The condom broke or you had drunk, unprotected sex, or he came in you, and you have to get that emergency pill. The side effects of the emergency pill a.k.a morning after are similar to premenstrual syndrome, pregnancy itself and are a roller coaster.
The worst side effect is the fear of the unknown.
Many of us think, oh my, I’m not ready to have a child. I’ve got school, just started my career, am not financially prepared or my parents would kill me. But few of us really ask the real question, “Do I really want to a child with this guy?”
I remember a time that I had a slip up and I felt tremor in my being. I asked myself, “Do you really want to be a single mother of two?”, “Do you want to carry the burden of raising children on your own?” “This guy already shows inconsistencies with you. He doesn’t attend to your emotional needs. For days, he goes poltergeist on you. He can barely take care of himself, how much child support would you get out of him?”
It then clicked to me, that many of us women, rarely think of this during the dating or relationship period. There are some who are living vicariously and just hooking up. But the question is, is the human being that you are having sex with ‘man enough’. Yes, physically, he is attractive enough for you to want to lay with him. He might even be fun enough to have casual sexual encounters with. You just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.
Ideally, the man that we have children with is someone we would have married. A man who put a ring on it, your parents and probably religious group approve. He might even be good on paper. Yet for those who are single mothers, ‘baby daddy’ is far from good on paper. Often, if not most times, these baby daddies had red flags all over them. There were parts of their ‘being’ that did not equate to ‘father’. They probably even hinted that, “I’m a disfunctional human being incapable of taking care of myself or any other human being,” but we ignored that.
I always say, “You burn, you learn”, so I believe that most of us have grown from earlier poor choices. I’m here for us to not make more poor choices. I’m even present for those women who are still single and childless. Blessed are you for you have the opportunity to choose wisely.
Even if you are on some form of contraception or using condoms, somewhere in our subconscious we have to think about the ‘what if?’ What if one of the above mentioned ‘accidents’ occur, will this guy be there for me, take responsibility and be a ‘father’?
“Any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.”-
Barack Obama
The reality of such questions might make one think twice or a thousand times about copulating. As women, we owe it to our offspring to choose their paternity. Your child/children’s father needs to be a whole man, not a grown male. A man doesn’t need to be raised, he has the capability to raise. Choosing the father of your children should go beyond good genetics and look at his present role in your life. Is he a man who doesn’t make excuses for his shortcomings? Is he a man who is working on himself emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially? Is he a partner to you? Does he acknowledge you as a person and your role in his life?
His maturity to be the person that you want to have children with can be seen by how he treats you. You can see by how he manages his own life that he is capable of being the partner that you need to raise a family. You can’t be waiting for him to grow up or try to raise him. That’s not your responsibility. Having a child with him is not a guarantee of commitment or maturity.
After deliberating all the above...I dodged the bullet!
And in future, I choose to choose my partner with the scope that in the event that I get pregnant, he is someone I can rely on. He is going to step up to the plate, and take responsibility. He will be committed to us - him, I and our child. He is capable of taking care of self and others in the different roles of his life. He is a 100% shareholder bringing his whole into the relationship. Because one plus one equals to ‘ONE’ - that’s the relationship math.
We do need that man to be reliable.
“We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one.- Barack Obama”
Ladies, choose wisely...
P.S. : Always write your own love story.
Lady E
Ciao!
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