Learning On the Job

Can we take the risk to learn to love even when we don't know how to and come out winning?

Beyoncé wave, hello, single ladies! Let's check in on each other, how are you? I'm sending you all social distance hugs and prayers of peace of mind.

When asked who my benchmarks in business are, my top three are Oprah, Sean 'Diddy' Combs, and Sir Richard Branson. With compelling back stories, each of these moguls represent my aspirations of money, branding and influence. On my LinkedIn, I make sure that I have a dose of Sir Richard Branson, be it a quote, or his emotional intelligent approach to running his businesses. And who doesn't love a CEO who wears jeans? To quote Sir Richard Branson, "If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!"

That statement is part of my life mantras. I am in the position that I am, not because of adequate college education, but my willingnessto say yes, even when I don't know. I read, research and apply. And as the process continues, I get experience, and even to the place of expertise. That takes boldness, tenacity and a little bit of crazy. Believe me, if you aren't like the Nike advert, 'Dream Crazy', then you can just go back to sleep. A successful life is for those who can step out of the norms and impossibilities, and be like Obama's charismatic, "Yes, we can", speech.

You have to 'can' to get to the next level. My theme for this decade is 'Next level'. Everything within my sphere of influence must be on the next level. And looking at the above quote by Sir Richard Branson, is it possible to apply the same notion to romantic relationships? As a 21st century woman, I have ideals of what a healthy relationship should look and feel like. My search keywords for relationships are 'intention', 'commitment' and 'effort'. As a love interest in my life if those don't appear with your name, boy bye! Deuces!

As fun as it is to imitate 'Lemonade' Beyoncé when doing that, relationships in our age are a bit nuance. While we love the traditional patterns that our parents, and grandparents followed, we come from a more broken society. We are mostly broken in our mental health. Now more than in any other generation, we have more suicide cases. Technology is both a blessing and curse to our perception of self, success and even love. But as millennials, as well as Gen Z, are we able to formulate healthy, stable romantic relationships? Can we learn 'how to love'? And then Weezy's voice sings in my head, "How to love?"

In the blog post, 'Not My Portion', I shared, "I myself was loved to healing. I was a broken woman, hurt from rejection and abandonment." That statement, and experience occurs to someone who has a support system. When you have even a few people who believe in the best of you and they help you to get to that place, if you are a willing participant, that is. But what happens to the one who doesn't have a support system? Now I know that reality shows are often embellished drama, but I think that there are elements of truth. I remember watching an episode of the E! Entertainment show, 'Kendra'. The former Playboy bunny shared her struggles with being affectionate with then husband, Hank Basket. Kendra Wilkinson, grew up in a broken home and carried the weight of unresolved childhood issues. On the show, Kendra shared that Hank came from an affectionate family, with two supportive parents. In reference to that episode, I started thinking about my own affection' style. In romantic relationships, I use my own love languages to love. My top three of the five are physical contact, words of affirmation and quality time. I love hugs and kisses, (and making love). Words mean a lot to me, whether sticks and stones, or chewing bones. I use words to encourage, comfort and reassure which makes sense since I am a writer. And time is important for me! You make time for the things or people that you value. Honestly, if I show up, call you, or even cook for you, love was put into it. In between work, writing, being an entrepreneur, and a mother, time is currency for me. Having realised how overworked I am, I have purposely scheduled time for self care. I need my time, so making time in a relationship is crucial. Going back to the question of how to love, how accommodating are we to allow someone who is 'clueless' into our space? If we ourselves are damaged goods, are we able to unlearn bad habits and graduate with a degree in love?

Always remember my notion, love is more of a choice rather than feelings. Those 'feelings' are what we call 'lust' because our primal instincts are screaming 'procreate'. Now that is out of the way, back to our conversation. Referring to another reality show couple let's look at Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. Initially when watching 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians', I disliked Lord Disick. I hated how he treated Kourtney. As the seasons progressed, and fertile Kourtney delivered more Disick offspring, my perception of Scott changed. Remember when Scott proposed and Kourtney turned him down? We might not agree with Scott's current life choices in the love department, but he did want to put a ring on tiny Kourt's finger. However, Kourtney suffers from PTSD due to her own parents' divorce. She often comes off as cold, and critical. She doesn't even seem to like her mother Kris Jenner much. Scott grew up in a healthy, Jewish home with both his parents who have since passed away. The politics of the Kardashian-Jenner clan added to the equation of the challenged relationship would inevitably lead to a break up. Now the two are co-parenting and robbing the cradle at the same time. My point, how accommodating are we to allow someone who is broken into our space? 

Let's say that your relationship is a job position. You have that checklist which serves as the  required qualifications. You have suitors lining up for the interview through dates, simple flirtations, gestures and even from the 'friend zone'. You are single and searching, or single and waiting and that's the position required to fill in. Like any candidate who wants to get the position, you will hear all sorts of answers and statements. Of course you cross check with a candidate's  curriculum vitae - social media, word on the street, mutual friends, etc. It's decision time, will the chosen candidate deliver results once hired? Thank you Steve Harvey, there's the 90-day rule, although these days, we have the one month trial. A lot of companies are now offering one month contracts to be reviewed. I remember when I was offered a month's trial. I counted down the days, ticking off each KPI so that I can secure a longer contract. Lo, behold, I did pass the 30-day mark and received a 90-day contract. Your successful candidate has passed the one month trial. Things are great and they are 'bae in progress', but what happens when inconsistencies emerge. During the 90-day period, they stop calling at the frequency of a debt collector. They are embarrassed of PDA? And just when you think let me lose this individual, they share a story about their brokeness,  with the intellectual ones explaining their behaviour of late. What do you do? Ask them, what is your love language? How do you want to be shown love?

As a self aware individual who has assessed their own love patterns, you layout your terms of the contract. Mine is like this, I need to be hugged, kissed, and holding hands. I come from an affectionate background, my parents expressed PDA. I also need to hear positive words, and even when we argue do not hit below the belt. Express your dissatisfaction by sharing how you feel about an issue and probable causes of your reaction. And say it with a calm and collected tone; we are adults. I need hear the words, "Thank you", "I love you", "Happy birthday", "I'm sorry", and "Well done", within the array of your vocabulary. I respect and acknowledge your hustle but 'I'm busy' is a derogatory word in the dictionary. You will owe me a hundred bucks for everytime that you say it. Make time for me, and I should never ask for your time. Plan dates, call, send a text to check in, hell, even surprise me. That is how I want to be loved, are we on the same page right here? Tu comprend? In addition, I do like gifts and of course, if you took my car for service, brought groceries, or fixed my plumbing, I would appreciate that.

Are we still on the same page right now?

Your healing is not my burden to carry because I have my own needs. I can refer you to my therapist, pastor or sangoma, to deal with your issues. I can go with you for the sessions as moral support. Remember, we are in this together because we have got a good thing going on...for most of the times. What's your vision? I can be your Michelle to your Barack, your Connie to your Shona, your Nelsy to your Carl! I have the passion, skills and voice to compliment your vision. I am the Sarah to your Abraham, we will birth and raise nations. But we have to start somewhere, what is your five year plan? And what are you doing to execute that?

Are we still on the same page right now?

The above conversation highlights what learning on the job would probably look like in a relationship. Does your person want to learn how to be in a healthy relationship? This topic came into mind due to a conversation with a male friend of mine. He was like, I know that women like finished products, but is it possible that the one that you are looking for is probably still at manufacturing stage? We 'men' are often slow as compared to women. We are simple creatures! And honestly, the male species isn't as intricate as femaledom. We are intuitive, and often our emotions get the best of us and maybe that's why we get hurt more. When a guy makes up his mind about something, it's often a signed deal. If he's into you, there's no grey area. I once saw on a WhatsApp status with the statement, "Never try to compete with a woman that a man is in love with." And it's true! Even if you think that's she's ugly, or undesirable, or slutty, or that he could do better, if a guy is in love with his person, shem, it's late! If a person already passed the hiring and trial stage, why not offer them room to develop their skills. You have allowed them into your space. They know your embarrassing childhood nickname, which cousin that you despise, where your birthmark is and if you have morning breathe, or not. If they are willing to move from proving themselves to deliver, why not extend the contract?

I do not want to contradict my stance on choosing the right mate for you who meets your standards. This conversation is actually about applying the aspect of achieving something of value despite the lack of the complete know-how of manoeuvring through the position . Switching roles. Let's say we are the broken ones. We have successfully entered a relationship with a great somebody. But we are ticking time bombs. We have control issues, we raise our voices during arguments, some might not like affection, and others self sabotage before they get their hearts broken, based on assumption. Don't we deserve the opportunity to learn on the job? Can't we be offered the opportunity for personal  development?

Again, learning on the job comes with willingness to learn. You can't afford to be stuck on what you know, and ignore what you don't know. In relationships, when someone shows you what healthy, or secure, or mature looks like, wouldn't you want to try that out? During my process, the first lesson was, 'I deserve better.' That's a tough skill to learn and achieve. From our own brokenness we reach a mental state of self-pity and loathe. We are accustomed to being beaten down, we can't look up for the hand that wants to lift you up. In spite of our shortcomings, someone has given us a shot. They are patient enough to see us through the process. Are we willing to put in the time and effort in learning to accept that we deserve good things. We deserve to be with someone who challenges us without pulling the plug on our air supply. We can breathe, maintain sanity, and even be happy.

Relationships aren't job positions to be filled out. They require more work than that we put into our regular nine to five. But what if Sir Richard Branson's philosophy did apply? Would you be willing to be the teacher, or student?

Love hard, love deep and cast your net wide!

Even on quarantine, keep those brows on fleek!

P.S. : Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E