The Writings On The Wall

Thou shall move onto the next!

And then 'If You Leave' by Destiny's Child and Next starts to play. Gosh, 'The Writings on the Wall' remains my favourite Destiny's Child album, ever. The concept of the '10 commandments' of relationships. Brilliant! 

Bonjour, mes amies! Comment ça va? Ça va bien! (Caribbean accent) Your gyal, moi, has been experiencing epiphanies. And a few disappointments, but life is too sweet to be upset. Lick your ice cream and have sweet red wine!

I travelled through the blogosphere for inspiration for our topic today. Ironically, I also had a discussion with an acquaintance about a similar topic. There's nothing that I love more than people who brag about their intelligence. Oh, my! People pride themselves on their levels of education, often equating it to intelligence. We assess our value based on having degrees, master's degrees, and doctorates. If only those worked in relationships.

I think of David Robson's 'Why Smart People Believe Dumb Things?' And then I just think of how ironically we are literally illiterate in relationships. With all the educational accolades, why is it that we fail to attain and retain committed relationships? Why do we have a plethora of relationship YouTube channels advising us on the simplest things? Why are we referring to books by authors whose own relationships don't reflect their advice?

We're good at reading books, but we're not necessarily good at reading people. And with that said, ladies, this leads us to our topic. As Betty Everett sang, "Does he love me? I want to know. How can I tell if he loves me so? ... If you want to know if he loves you, it's in his kiss." Y'all know that I love the Cher version, though.

Yes, his kiss. Is it really in his kiss? Fam. Umi kuphi empilweni yomuntu wakho? Ungubani kuye? I have this one 'friend' who enjoys playing cupid, or simply matchmaker. With love and appreciation, their matchmaking skills didn't have even a 50 percent success rate with me. Still, bless their souls for trying. With a show of hands, how many of us have been in relationships on our own? Mariah Carey's 'Obsessed' bass starts to play, and I hear, "You're delusional, you're delusional, boy, you're losing your mind."

Now to justify us, we aren't loco! What happens is that we often fall into infatuation and forget to read the writings on the wall. That's where our relationship illiteracy begins. We assume that we are in relationships with men who don't want to or deserve to be kept by us. For a group who knows fifty shades of red, we can't tell between being a man's Mrs. Right, side chick, and the Miss wham-bam-thank-you-madam.

The main reason why most of us have ended up in relationships alone, a.k.a situationships, is because we are often driven by our nether regions. Poor choices are made when you have sex. Yes you read that right! We become dickmatised, or what Amanda Seales terms as sexually transmitted stupidity a.k.a STS. Remember Chris Rock's stand up comedy about the Tambourine and he discusses that most of us ignore red flags because of the segs. Ladies remember that men are the gatekeepers of relationships and women are the gatekeepers of sex. When we understand that formula, we are able to avoid making poor choices, and finding ourselves in the categories that we don't want to be in.

You see, the male species are very simple creatures particularly when it comes to relationships. A man will treat you how he feels about you. When he shows you how he feels, believe him. You can tell who you are to him, however we as women often choose to ignore the red flags. Mixed signals aren't pointing us in the right direction either. They are the warning sign to drop off from that moving car that's going nowhere. Yet still most of us choose to ride until we die.

Inspired by a thought-provoking blog post written from a man's point of view, I am here to school the single ladies about who you are to him. Understanding how a man perceives you and where you are positioned in his life, can help women gain clarity and manage their expectations effectively.

It's no secret that falling in love can be a whirlwind of emotions, and it's easy to get caught up in the excitement and potential of a romantic connection. However, it's crucial for women to exercise caution and not rush into claiming a man without clearly defining her position in his life. Men are the proverbial, actions speak louder than words. Believe all of what you experience from him rather than what he verbalises to you. 

It's time to read the writings on the wall, and find out who are you to him. 

1. Miss Wham-bam-thank-you-madam 

A.k.a. casual sex bae. Lawd, I have found myself in this category after my last poor choice. And definitely not willingly. I assumed that I was 'her' who would become Mrs. Right. Lo and behold, I was a clown. You see, Miss Wham-bam-thank-you-madam is simply a female whom a male has a sexual relationship with and often has no intention of pursuing a long-term commitment with. He will most definitely breadcrumb you and have a texting relationship with you. But will he marry you? Hell naw! 

The male species can fornicate without emotion, unlike female folk, whose bedsheets are entangled with their emotions. So when you become bedfellows with a male, just take it as it is—a physical pleasure that you can enjoy while it lasts. 

However, there have been some successful Miss Wham-bam-thank-you-madam upgrades to Mrs. Right. These were the friends with benefits-cum-girlfriend-cum-wife situations. However, most have successfully become divorces as well, because most of these relationships are funded by beta males. A conversation for another day. 

Who are you to him? 

May all the Hester Prynnes, kindly come to the front of the congregation with the capital letter 'S'. While modern society has allowed Miss Wham-bam-thank-you-madam to somewhat override the queue and somewhat become 'her,' most ladies have remained just the woman he shags and nothing more. 

I'll probably use this word throughout this article, but Usain Bolt with your vagina. Run! It doesn't matter how hot he is or whether you have an undescribable attraction towards him; he seems like your soulmate, or your crotch is burning like a dragon breathing fire at it. Keep your legs closed. Take as many cold showers as you can and go get yourself self-esteem. 

2. His Boy 

Harry from 'When Harry Met Sally' stated that men and women can never be just platonic friends. His argument is that sex always gets in the way. To a larger extent, his assessment is true. However, Harry hasn't met the friendzone, where most people are zoned to the North Pole. I can attest to being friend zoned in an inescapable way. What happens is that you (a single lady) have probably known this guy for the longest time, and you are now like biological siblings. No matter how feminine you are, he considers you one of his boys. 

You can wear the cutest outfit or even go the sensual route; he will not flinch an eyelid and perceive you as more than a 'friend.' 

Who are you to him? 

His male best friend is in a female body. You are probably his guide through the female brain with his love interests. I honestly have no remedy for this predicament. Unlove him as a potential lover, and view him as your brother from another father. 

3. Good luck, Chuck 

A.k.a. the female whom he will pass through on his way to the woman he wants to marry. Ever lay in bed and think, "Maybe my vagina is cursed?" It seems that every guy with whom you've been in a relationship marries someone else. They either do this while you two are still together or when they move onto the next relationship after you break up. Remember the movie 'Good Luck Chuck?' The protagonist, Charlie Logan, Chuck, finds out that every time that he breaks up with a girlfriend, she ends up engaged to her next boyfriend. He's like 'ye ol' lucky charm.'

That's probably you. You are the one who keeps donating your love interests to other women, who, by the way, live happily ever after with your once upon a time. Sucks, right! Come over here for a hug. 

To this guy, you are the filler girlfriend during his cold feet moments, or the pseudo relationship while he waits for the woman whom he really wants to offer commitment to. To him, you are not 'her'. 

Who are you to him? 

You are the drive-through. You are the one who is almost there, but as Brandy sang, "Everybody knows, almost doesn't count." 

Stop entertaining unavailable males. That means a male who says that he and his girlfriend are taking a 'break.' Breek, my gat! The one whose girlfriend is in the diaspora, or another city, state, or village. The one who doesn't state his intentions with you. And never forget that no intentions are still intentions—cruel intentions. The one who is embarrassed about his attraction to you. The one who says, "I like you, but..." 

Meditate on these words like you are taking antibiotics daily. "If you want a king, stop entertaining court jesters." Girl, stop being the ringmaster of the circus!

If all fails, enda unogezwa munyama! (Get spiritually cleansed and delivered!)

4. The side chick 

Shout out to all the side chicks who upgraded to wifey status! They are the real MVPs! A round of applause to them. With that said, though, being a side chick is a real gamble. According to the Wiki dictionary, the term side chick is originally African-American vernacular, slang for a mistress; a woman one dates in addition to one's girlfriend or wife, usually in secret. The first thing and probably the only thing you must understand about being a side chick is that you will always be the dirty little secret; in Shona, it's called 'kudyirwa musaga'. A side chick's main responsibility is to keep things fun and exciting.  

In some cultures that permit polygamous marriages, a side chick could upgrade to wifey status. However, she will be faced with hostility from the main chick or wife. To his relatives, she might receive insults such as whore or homewrecker because she's the other woman. Not the first. Not the original cast member. Not even Betty the builder. But the one who came in when the man was a finished product on the shelf. Shame on her!

But for the side chick who is in a relationship with a male with a girlfriend, it's a losing game. As I always say, never compete with the girlfriend that a guy loves. 

Who are you to him? 

The side chick. The smart male doesn't want drama. He will do everything to ensure that his peace is kept. An unsuspecting happy partner at home, and you, his cheap thrill. Actually, you his side chick, the amusement park, because your main responsibility is to keep things fun and exciting. 

Unfortunately, most of us women have been side chicks, voluntarily or unknowingly. If this is by choice, understand that you are the salad by the side of his happy meal. But if it's not your ministry to be a side chick, just Craig David, walk away. She sings,"I'm walking away from the troubles in my life." 

5. Baby mama 

Before I go any further, I am appalled by the celebration and nonchalance towards the prevailing baby mama culture. We, as a society, should be completely ashamed of ourselves for allowing degenerate behaviour by both men and women when it comes to bringing forth children into this world. 

According to the Wiki dictionary, a Baby mama is a slang term for a mother who is not married to her child's father. The term originated in Jamaican Creole as "bebi-mada" and was used by the fathers of illegitimate children to describe the mothers of their children. From the definition, y'all can see why it's problematic to aspire to be a woman who is categorised as a baby mama. 

Your baby daddy, especially if he's not an ex-husband, will likely disrespect you as well as allow other people, especially his current partner, to disrespect you. He will definitely breadcrumb you with the drive-bys and have you acting batshit crazy so that he can validate his reasons for not marrying you. 

Who are you to him? 

The drive-by. If you are already a baby mama, please set boundaries and go to therapy. You need help with your self-esteem. Your vagina is not a KFC drive-through! Upgrade your standards and start looking at yourself as an upmarket, bourgie restaurant, and please close down that baby-making factory. 

If you dodged the baby mama bullet, Ensure that you run with your vagina and heart. If he wants to procreate, he better put a ring on it. 

Side note: We need to restore factory settings. Encourage two parent homes. Discourage promiscuity particularly in women. Hold men accountable to not only step up to fatherhood but marry the women whom they impregnate. Women must be taught to be homemakers, wives and mothers (not career women). Let's stop encouraging baby mama culture, dead beat, or part-time dads,  and broken homes.

Girl don't be a statistic!

6. Her 

I have been talking about a 'her' but who is she? She is the ideal woman. She is the highest-quality woman who embodies all the feminine traits. That once-in-a lifetime woman whom a man wishes he had or never lets go of We could define her as the love of his life. Or maybe the greatest love he will never know. A guy will describe her as special or different from all the other women he's been with. 

She is often mainly beautiful on the inside. On rare occasions, she can be what film and television depict: both beautiful (physically) and has the personality to match her beauty. In reality, though, she's a 3, 4, or 5, but again, her personality wins. 

She is often down-to-earth, minimal, nurturing, smart, and virtuous. She will not tolerate bad behaviour or a man who disrespects her. She inspires the guy to want to be a better man. Think Angela to Ghost in 'Power,' or Jordan to Harper in 'The Best Man', or Jamie to Landon in 'A Walk to Remember.' 

Who are you to him? 

The fantasy. You're like a manic pixie dream girl. Only stable and less whimsical. There are two things involved. Either way, he will wife you up. Or he will let you go yet always ponder the question, 'What if?'. You are unforgettable! You are like the one who got away if he doesn't lock you down.

The one thing that's guaranteed is that you are the one for whom he'd jump in front of a bullet without thinking about it. He loves you beyond his mind's comprehension. 

7. Mrs. Right 

For those who have played any video game, you know that you want to get to the highest level. Well, Mrs. Right is the highest position you could hold in a relationship. And that's what we, the single ladies on this platform, have been preparing for. Forget about the jaded ones who don't believe in marriage and stable relationships. I'm talking to those whose parents have modelled committed lifetime partnerships—building legacies with the promise of inheritances unto the fourth generation. 

When you are Mrs. Right, a.k.a. his wife, you hold his dynasty in your womb. You are the life-bringer, even with your words. You will speak life into his vision and help him build empires. You will be the mother of his children. An ancestor in his clan. This role is for the virtuous, empathetic, nurturing, understanding, and submissive woman. 

Who are you to him? 

You are 'her' upgraded and honoured. He values and validates you. He cares about your being. He's intentional about his commitment to you. You are his priority. He will become Liam Neeson in 'Taken' for you and probably build a Taj Mahal for you. You are the 'One'. bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh. 

Class dismissed. 

Throws self on the couch, and lies down. After going through the rather lengthy relationship statuses, Umi kuphi empilweni yomuntu wakho? Who are you to him? 

Understanding this categorization is crucial for women as it allows them to navigate their relationships more effectively and allocate their energy wisely. By recognizing where you stand with a man, as a woman, you can avoid being misled into believing that you are more than what the man perceives. I reiterate, a man will treat you how he feels about you. When he shows you how he feels, believe him. Don't get anything twisted!

This has a lot of us really thinking about our relationship status, and how we have been handling whom we thought we were. It's time to unlearn assumptions because assumptions make an ass of you. Ladies it's time to be literate.

Read the writings on the wall.

Open communication and mutual understanding are key to building healthy and fulfilling connections. Do not misconstrue the signs of being short changed of a loving, committed relationship. Actually do not short change yourself by allowing bare minimum to be your portion. You teach people how to treat you.

Remember that each person's perspective may vary, and not all men approach relationships in the same way. However, gaining insights into how men perceive women can provide valuable guidance for single ladies seeking fulfilling connections.

Clean Bandit's Nowhere starts to play. "Why do I follow, when you lead me nowhere. You take the dark road, and baby I go there."

It's time to change those stilettos and get your running shoes, and run to your nearest therapist. Unpack those traumas that have led you to repeating a cycles of poor choices. Work on your self esteem.

It's time to be literate. Learn to read in between the lines, read rooms, and read people.

Read the writings on the wall.

When you change perceptions, you change your life.

Until the next time, protect your energy, do the inner work, say 'no' more often...

A prochaine fois....

...Let's continue to unlearn so that we can become!

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E