No matter how broken you are, a meal of love is what you need.
For the first time in a long time, I will admit on this platform, I will admit that I cried. I felt humiliated and hurt. Mariah Carey's "Cry" is playing in my head.
I keep asking myself why am I this person? Why do I keep scraping for crumbs of love? Am I not enough? And following a recent disappointment, I reverted to a quote that I saw on a certain blog. "You could have the best intentions, you could have the most sincere feelings, and you could be a good woman and you still wouldn't be able to keep a man because the only way to keep a man is if that man wants to be kept by you," Sipho Mbhele.
"You could have the best intentions, you could have the most sincere feelings, and you could be a good woman and you still wouldn't be able to keep a man because the only way to keep a man is if that man wants to be kept by you," Sipho Mbhele.
Gosh, I'm tired of this circus. The fact that I hate clowns makes no sense given that I entertain them. Will I ever learn? Yes, I'm going to be very hard on myself because I can't preach to y'all and not be accountable. I need to grow up. Pronto!
Welcome back to the Red Season, single ladies. As I explained before, the first part is the "Red Flag" series, and the next is the "Red Rose" series. As single ladies, we are unlearning, realigning, and reinventing ourselves as we become. Some of you are taking a spiritual hiatus from fermented grapes and the like. Let's gather around with our green tea and honey.
So, against my better judgement, I gave this guy a chance. I allowed him into my vicinity and entertained his texts. My older sister told me to channel my femininity, be his peace, and don't scare him away. My younger sister said, "Be fun." And I said, "I like him, so let's see." I should just affirm myself with Eleanor Roosevelt's quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Followed up by Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
I tried the cool girl thing where I seem unbothered by inconsistencies. So he texts a lot. He will check in with me. Send VNs (I'm rolling my eyes). But when it comes to seeing each other physically, he is flakier than cornflakes. Now, I'm not an unreasonable woman. His line of work isn't your typical 9-to-5. So schedules might conflict or fail to synchronise. But as the old saying goes, you make time for the things or people that you care about. The lack of enthusiasm to make time (especially when he tells me himself that he has time) drives me un poco loco. Breathe. So after the last strike, I just said to myself, this is breadcrumbing. I know this script. Ladies and gentlemen, he's graduated from being Beetlejuice to Hansel and Gretel.
There's a statement in Shona that says, "Mafufu egonzo" (Loosely translated, "rat crumbs"). Who has received breadcrumbs in their dating or relationships, by show of hands? What is breadcrumbing? It is a situation where one person leaves behind a trail of breadcrumbs for someone else to find, leading back to them. Simply put, someone is leading you on by giving you just enough time and attention to keep you interested but with no intention of making a commitment.
Red flag: Responding inconsistently and not following up about plans are clear signs of breadcrumbing.
What does breadcrumbing look like? They say actions speak louder than words, but a breadcrumber is more silent than a mummy's tomb. If you love sweet nothings, they will fill your imagination and hopes with lots of decadent words that mean nothing to them. You'll be preoccupied with them, while they won't be preoccupied with you. In fact, you're an afterthought.
If I wasn't guilty of blue ticking people on WhatsApp or responding in my head, I would be livid. But I've given this guy leeway with his bad communication habits. It seems that he and I are now on a daily "textationship," although responses aren't as enthusiastically immediate. However, typical breadcrumb behaviour includes inconsistent communication. They give you just enough to keep you thinking that they are interested, followed by periods of complete silence to push you away.
Brandy's "Almost doesn't count" plays as I ponder the breadcrumbing behaviour that brought me here — no date. Actually, it's a combination of the lack of a date and the plans with no follow-through. A breadcrumber may be consistent with the texts, seeming interested in getting to know you and being flirty, but there's a catch. If you ask them to set a time to meet, those requests may be met with excuses, ambiguous responses, or flat-out rejection. This is followed up with a suitcase of pseudo-sincere apologies.
Oh yes, if and when you finally do make plans with someone who breadcrumbs, they're likely to cancel. They will usually come up with the most logical reason for their inability to keep their commitment to seeing you. For me, this is borderline gaslighting.
They inflate your hopes like a helium balloon about spending time together, only to shoot a cannonball and completely let you down. Again, one makes time for the things or people that they care about. We'll have to read the room and between the lines.
Do you remember Lasizwe's sketch about when a guy doesn't want you? Note to self.
They're less interested in you than you are in them. While you try to get to know them by engaging in conversation, they aren't trying to connect on a deeper level. Whatever energy that you are sending, they are definitely not on that boomerang level. If you feel like the worst version of yourself, then you are being "breadcrumbed".
Now that we are here, what do we do? First of all look inside yourself and decide, is this what I deserve? I believe that no matter how broken you are, a meal of love is what you need. You aren't being unreasonable in seeking to be treated with humanity. If someone isn't interested in you in the same manner as yourself, it's okay. Rejection is a human badge of honour - you win some, and lose some. What we don't want is to have our time wasted. And yet still, our emotions toiled with.
Remember what you deserve.
If this 'situation', or 'relationship' is a fountain that you don't think that you want to drink from, then make a clear decision to walk away. Having healthy boundaries is crucial for any healthy relationship. So if you need to strap on the emotional condom, then set boundaries. Show the breadcumber how you want and expect to be treated. Decide if the 'relationship' is worth continuing and if it's worth putting your energy into it.
Ignorance isn't bliss, be aware of this red flag in your future interactions. Have self-respect and love to experience a deep connection with someone on a similar wavelength. Life is already too short. As I once shared about inexpensive dates to go on, "The thought counts, the effort impresses and the right intentions win a woman's heart." So, no excuses.
The thought counts, the effort impresses and the right intention win a woman's heart.
Remember ladies, "intention, effort, and commitment."
This is our season of change. The change begins within. While we can't control who we attract, we have full control over whom we entertain. Again, if you want a king, stop entertaining court jesters."
Now let's go to that quiet place, breathe and let go ... and grow!
A prochaine fois ....
... keep on BECOMING!
P.S. Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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