Effort equals reward, and effort is the real charm.
It's the last 'Man Crush Monday' of the year, and it would be a deservice to all my MCMs not to take this journey together. Gosh, this has been an interesting year in my dating life. I'm bringing in my single ladies to share their own war stories parce que, we're that community. Tjo! Ngahleka ukhuthi amaf*ckboys bashada this year.(In my head, Somizi voice) Woo, shem!
We live in an era where there's the complaint that femaledom is entitled. In the realm of dating, there's a complaint of unreasonable standards, Ciara's prayer, and the erasure of masculinity. We hear you. The discussion needs to be brought to the table with accountable individuals.
But today, we are addressing some real turn offs. Abeg, abeg, why is there effortless wooing? I mean, we are post-pandemic, yet some fellas are still on that we're confined to the four walls of our habitations. Get with the program, Queen Bey sang, "We're going to be outside." Let's go outside.
Now, I've found an unlikely wingman who is persuading me to realise that I shouldn't be alone. I kid you not; Mr. X's blogs are rather fire. I don't always agree with him, but if I don't want to be a cat lady in my lifetime, I'm listening to him. One thing, he always highlights that some of us are picky. Breathe.
Okay, but before we exit the year, I bring forth to the congregation the "interests" who have been pursuing us. They are "nice," somewhat decent guys, but they keep missing the mark. It's not necessarily that they have deal-breaker behaviours, but they aren't impressive traits either. As authors of our love stories (single ladies), we wouldn't proudly add these behaviours as the 'meet cute' or 'you know when you know' to our narrative.
So, here we are, fellas; we are leaving these 5 pet peeves so that you can score. Let's go:
1. The Speedy Gonzalez
So the other day, this dude was like come see me at my workplace. I asked, pour quoi? And he was like because I miss you. This was followed by come to my crib and let's chill. Ehm! Hold up! Where is, "Let's have lunch at this really dope sadza place," or, "You mentioned that you love Chinese; clear your lunch break today. "It's my treat." No. Nada in Portuguese. I've had my fill of Sonic the Hedgehog to last me three lifetimes. We're good. My point is, why are you in a rush to jump into the relationship? That's if that's your intention. Yes, we are aware, f*ckboy or nice boy, y'all got segs on your mind. We also want to copulate; however, we need to "feel" you because we are "feeling" creatures. So help us feel you! And please don't tell us you love us after a week or promise marriage. My anxious-avoidant self will Usain Bolt for the hills. Lunch. Dinner. Ice cream. Consistent communication, preferably calls and face-to-face interactions. A bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine, a road trip to Mazowe listening to old school music, or let's go play paintball. You're more than your male appendage. I'll speak on behalf of the grown folk; we ladies like it like H-town sang it, "Like it slow."
2. Non-consensual touchy,feely
Cringe, cringe, super cringe. Some of y'all are hashtag 'me too' cases waiting to happen. Getting me a drink doesn't mean putting your hand on my thigh. Don't slap my derriere because it's bouncy or perky, or even small and cute like Karrueche's. While our mothers and aunts keep on telling us not to go over to your dwellings, I'm not jumping your bones just because I'm assessing where to put the baby's crib. (Note when the relationship has been consummated and procreation happens.) But for now, no one's thinking baby shower. Yes, I'm at your home but consent is important. No means no. It's not playing hard to get or sending mixed signals. (*Whispering* Dunno what type of females y'all be with). But when I consent for Edward Scissorhands, you'll know.
3. Send me your pic
"Send me your picture" is to women as "send me money" is to males. Cringe! There's nothing that says you aren't worth the effort than "send me your picture." "Send me a picture” is where a woman loses 79% interest in a man. Photos are very personal and intimate and aren't for free distribution. Even Getty Images understands that. Make an effort to spend time with me and create mental images. Associate my face with the sunset behind me, my scent, and even frown lines. See me without filters and makeup. I love Arianna Grande's "pov." The lyrics get me in the 'feels.' But the lyrics remind us of how women want to be seen. Flaws and all. "For all of my pretty, and my ugly too, I want to see me from your point of view," Arianna Grande. Let's spend time together and take selfies. Take the picture that you want from the angle that you love.
"Send me a picture” is where a woman loses 79% interest in a man.
4. I love an independent woman
Also known as I won't pay the bills. Middle finger! *Smile.* Again, our modern society has really blurred the lines when it comes to financial responsibilities. I spent my formative years in West Africa. The men are so different compared to those in this part of the continent. Co-dependence makes the relationship work. Y'all wonder why women are so aggressive apart from hormones. We keep doing sh*t on our own. Financially! Personally, being 'miss independent' isn't sexy. It's a struggle. One that doesn't necessarily have traditionally feminine qualities at all. And y'all still want to be cooked for, given blow jobs, and conjugal rights. Something has to give. A resting b*tch face! If she can't rely on you financially, apart from the preaching and protection, what's your purpose? Honestly. (Again, read Mr. X's blogs about the role of a man - a real man).
As a woman with a male board of directors - if you fail the 'provision' aspect, it's over. My father would roll in his grave if I wasted my time with a non-provider. And no, she ain't no gold digger if you are a provision n***a.
And no, she ain't no gold digger if you are a provision n***a.
5. No effort
Janet Jackson's "What have you done for me lately?" is playing in the background. Yes. What have you done for me lately? You stand me up. You are inconsistent in words and actions. And you want to do what? I shouldn't be preaching because I've made a lot of poor choices, avec Michael being the poster child of the aforementioned. But while I pick up my self-respect from the floor, libandla lithi "No." Relationships that work require work. Ne-Yo sang, "We've got to make it work." It's work. And most of you want the easy way. You presume that texting me every two or three days will redeem you from being considered a f*ckboy. Amanda Seales' voice: "Nah!" What you need to do is be physically available—see my face, smell my scent, and hear my voice. Make appointments that you will show up for. Make voice calls. Show that you are a provider, protector, and preacher, particularly after she's dropped the handkerchief. The same amount of effort y'all require of us to be pretty and pleasant is the same effort y'all need to keep us secure.
To be honest, security has been a woman's M.O. since the beginning of time. From the Bible to 19th-century literature to 90s R&B, we want emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual security.
So, make effort. Stop behaving juvenile. Make your intentions clear and known. If we choose you, even as a poor choice, it's up to us. However, some of you nice guys keep the players winning because you fail to get with the program. Nice guys finish last, so update and upgrade, and who knows, you could definitely win.
The ball is in your court.
Because I love Amanda Sealed, here's her version of the pet peeves from her HBO comedy special, "I Be Knowin'."
Fellas, let's make things easier for all of us. Let's put more effort. Woo her. Court her. And you might get her.
Effort equals to reward, and effort is the real charm.
Go out there and win, cause she's still singing to Samantha Mumba's, "I'm right here."
I'm right here.
P.S. : Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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