Lately

Adolf Hitler once said, "If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed."

So choose every lie with great caution otherwise you just fumble with your heart. At a sensitive time as the one we are in, why am I quoting one of history's most vile man? The quote has proved relevant in our era especially with political propaganda and even pop culture. We are literally tone-deaf because of mumble rap, and music without melody. This is because we are so accustomed to the lackluster musicality of today's pop stars on rotation. So it makes sense that an eight-year-old poltergeist would haunt my sensory. The proverbial Gotye's 'Somebody that I used to know'.

He's been on my mind and I can't comprehend why. Of late the conflicting emotions of how I felt about him, and his rejection well up, that I shed a tear or two. Pour quoi? With Alicia Keys, "Why Do I Feel So Sad?", replaying in my mind as I go through the one conversation for the final closure with him. Part of me has slightly hoped that in this life our paths would cross once again. It wasn't for a reunion or let's rewrite history. It's for me to call him a piece of trash in his face instead of behind his back, or in my writing. Yet he's been my muse even long after the bittersweet scent of his aloofness disappeared. 

Our circles will always intertwine whether I like it, or not. I had to speak to my therapist about this wound we believed had healed. The one thing that I was honest about, part of me had wished that he had picked me. Picked me as the woman that he would like to form a meaningful relationship with. Picked me to be the Cookie to his Lucious and build the Empire. He would be Barack to my Michelle. Because what attracted me most to him was the visionary, and passion. Though Napoleon-esque in stature, he has an authoritative allure to him. Many respect him, others have a slight fear, and the rest talk shit behind his back. And this is because they dare not stand up to him, or over him.

I shared with a confidant that the one thing that stood out about him was that he was the only 'man' that I didn't want to change. I just wanted him to love me. Well, I was naïve, inexperienced, and pressured by the need to get married. As I am cognizant of my attachment styles over the course of my life, I know that these were notions derived from mostly insecurities and lack of self-worth. When I met him, I was anxious-preoccupied, and he exhibited dismissive-avoidant traits, with the evidence of being a divorcee. I had several abandonment issues that stemmed from my parents passing away at a tender age, my baby daddy rejecting me, the treatment that I received from relatives and all the fuckboys who laid at the altar of my femininity but never stuck around to worship the goddess who beheld it. And yes, I have daddy issues. But my dad wasn't an asshole, he just died without completing his duties as a father on earth.

I would appear clingy, needy, and with no form of esteem. Couple that with rom-com ideologies, I would be the plain Jane who wins Christian Grey's heart. My passion and compassion would melt the ice in this man's heart. I even reenacted the scene from 'Love Jones' with a poem for him. Only the recipient of the well-crafted fabric of words wasn't present to be clothed by it.

I well think the current trigger of the series by a peer of mine. I'm loving the storytelling which not only connects with the days of my youth but a generational nostalgia. Fortunately, or unfortunately, his name has been coming up in every single episode. At first, I was numb because whatever, and then when I was ovulating,  I was like, it's just that time. But how do you deal with the dead rising from their tombs? It's like the mention of his name is like a conjuring on an ouija board. If it was just infatuation and the idea of potential love, so why do I feel so sad?

"Lately, I've been thinking about you lately, just sitting away, watching the days go by..."

Yes, even when you think you are over someone, sometimes their tenancy in your mind remains. Even when they aren't paying rent. I am feeling much better after writing this whole post. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Lord knows that part of my adult life was a poor choice. And yes, the debt isn't paid yet in full. But as a work in progress, it will get better in time.

We have done a superb job of understanding our traumas and taking time to heal. It comes in waves, some calm, others tumultuous. The reaction is key. And understanding the trigger too.

Am I hungry? Am I lonely? Am I bored? Am I horny? Or maybe I'm just un poco loco?

Maybe the latter, I laugh. 

Answering the above protects us from being impulsive or assumptive. We have time to assess the intricacies of our fragility. It is okay to be emotionally positioned in a certain realm of discomfort. I refuse to be ashamed of that position, no matter what anyone else thinks. My comfort comes that this ghost doesn't read my blogs. I am uninspired to write poetry these days, too busy to write anything outside my 9 to 5 demands. His presence is failing to be trails of breadcrumbs. Still, we can't ignore the elephant in the room.

Yes, lately, I've been thinking about him lately. And it's okay.....

If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.

.... Because I am unlearning believing those 'lies', even in the form of a repeated name. It has no hold over the positive energy that I surround myself with. I look in the mirror and speak to the woman whom I've become. I denounce that lost little girl infatuated by being strung along and humiliated. If there's a lie that we ought to repeat to ourselves, we probably should take cues from Kanye. As erratic as he is, I love it when he proclaims his 'genius', or 'godliness'. 

The 'poltergeist' is not a 'bad' person, it's just the negative energy created that is the major problem. The same way that someone else might perceive my energy with great remorse or distaste. We just need to be selective about what we consume. I will still watch this piece of storytelling. I might have to blah, blah, blah the name. It's too good of a show to miss, believe me.... wink!

Now for that glass of wine that I couldn't wait to reward myself with.

Life is too short to be pondering on 'what should have', or 'I wish that...' when we should make memories...

....beautiful, unforgettable ones.

P.S.: Always tell your own love story! 

Ciao!

Lady E