The Idea of It

At this moment, we need to see things as they are instead of the idea of what they are supposed to be!

I've been staring in the mirror and wondering, who wouldn't love fine ass me? I'm more confident about who I am than when I was 25, or even 21. After years of the healing process, I acknowledge that I'm 'loveable'. It doesn't always feel like that on certain days but I do work on it. And it ain't easy! But I choose to see myself as well deserving.

As I have chronicled, I haven't done too well in the relationship department. And as I write this, Rihanna’s 'Same Ol' Mistakes' plays in the background. A friend of mine asked me, "What do you really want from a relationship? Who is your ideal man?"

Knowing me by now, I like to divorce myself from 'ideals'. Ideals are a fiction of reality. They give us false hope instead of dealing with what's deep down. But to answer my friend's question, I need a man who loves me without judgement and sees me. Sees me for who I truly am, whom I'm destined to be and sees me in the crowd. Of course, we have to be compatible, be able to hold intelligent conversations, he is empathetic as well as open minded. Look, I don't need to be judged for my past, or be belittled for my process of growth.

In 2010, I wrote a whole checklist of what 'he' must be like. Last year, I found the qualities in four men (yes, they have earned the right to be called 'men'). I have never dated any of them, but I have known them at different stages of my life. Each one of them played a significant role in writing my love story. They showed me what love looks like, and they worked towards my vision. They moulded the woman that I am, whether they know it or not.

Firstly, my high school crush Genesis. I call him Genesis because my juvenile affections for him birthed the poet in me. The first poem that I ever wrote was about him. Sadly, he's never known that he's been on the receiving end of words weaved from 'unrequited love'. Genesis and I still keep in touch to this day. He even remembers some little quirks about me, which is flattering. Genesis is a Libra like my late father. He loves family, inner circles and the finer things in life. He is a metrosexual to the core - cleans up well, and loves beautiful things.

I love Genesis because he reminds me of my first love. He is a great uncle making him father material, he is ambitious so we could build empires together and he has a big heart. Because we have known each other since we were teenagers he would be ideal. But he is not the one! We move on to two men that I met at the same time. I begin with my mentor. If he wasn't taken, he would be the husband that I have always needed. The three qualities that I have always admired in my mentor is sound judgement, compassion and an open mind. He might not always agree with you but he empathizes. While he is a laidback he is actually fun and well travelled. He even taught me to salsa, apart from the fact that we have a shared love for Spanish music. His kindness, counselling and prayers helped unveil the woman in me. We dealt with the brokenness and began putting the pieces together. And that's work in progress. He is a man who holds my reverence and admiration, but obviously, he is not the one.

There is also QJ (after Quincy Jones, the producer that he aspires to be like). When QJ and I met it was like the clash of the titans. He thought that I was a bitch and I assumed that he was an asshole. Fast forward to today, we have been helping each other out in our careers. He's mellow yet driven. I'm a total whirlwind if not, tsunami, but driven. QJ showed sacrifice as busy as his schedule is. He has made time for me and my needs. In return, I have offered friendship and support. Now QJ complements me, a lot, but he's not the one.

Then there's Summer Dream! Summer Dream is like a Baywatch slow motion. He's tall, ambitious, athletic, intelligent and comes from affluence. Oh my, his square jaw is well chiselled, plus he smells nice. He too, reminds me of my late father. He has certain quirks such as playing chess, reading books, his love for coffee and travel. Summer Dream comes in as a challenge. A good challenge! I like to be kept on my toes especially when it comes to career goals. He always would ask, did you achieve your targets today? Sounds like the Barack to my Michelle. The thought of Summer Dream makes me feel giddy. He is almost the total package; looks, brains and ambition. I would probably marry him, but he's not the one.

If I were to put together all the qualities of the above, that would be the man that I would have a healthy relationship with. I have learnt that you cannot fall in love with an idea of somebody. And what looks good on paper might not be what you need IRL. You need to take time to assess and know the Jerkyl and Hyde in a person. If you are able to accept a person as a whole, then that's the person you ought to be with.

And let's kill the notion of being the best somebody has ever had. In every person's life, somebody's gonna be the best. They are the best because they are what you want at that moment. But there is someone else that's going to be better.

The one thing that I have strived for is to be unforgettable. I want to be Michael Jackson moonwalk or Beyoncé Coachella performance in someone's life. It might not last, we might not get back together, but my very being must be imprinted like a tattoo.

Ideologies are good for college dissertations. We need to learn to choose our partners through the scope of what we can handle. Not the idea of how good they would look to others. Not the ideal of how you want them to make you feel.

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Lady E

Ciao!