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I Ain't Got My Shit Together

It's okay that I'm not the ideal because I'm a work in progress!

I was listening to Brandy's discography and then I resonated with the lyrics to 'Camouflage'. I love the part when she sings, "And God knows I ain't perfect, Tell me who in the world is, All I know is that I'm searching, For somebody to love me with." Yes, then I recall my many arguments with Sagittarius. Always fighting dirty and hitting below the belt. As I have previously highlighted, I asked of him, to step up and meet me halfway. That's what normal people in a relationship do, right?

Attempting reverse psychology on me, he would state that I thought of myself as 'perfect'. Whilst I chastised him, not to be condescending, but to make the relationship 'work', but I was the villain. He would be petty and sulk that he's always wrong with me instead of taking responsibility. Sigh! I wish that he chose to understand that I'm far from perfect. I have never been the poster child of 'perfection'. Yes, in my career and certain areas I tend to be a perfectionist. But over the years, I have said to myself screw that.

As I shared in a previous post, I have in my subconscious, picked my 'poor choice' in partners based on going against 'perfection'. Who wants a 'perfect' person whose standards of perfection will come with high standards? That's not me! I want 'him' rough on the edges but can be polished into a diamond. And we do that together? Sigh, again.

I'm a thirty one year old, single , African woman, who's also a mother. In other parts of the world, I would have had my own place, a car, health insurance and maybe, be married. I'm passionate and talented yet I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I'm not even earning a salary my worth. I am expected by my employer to perform 110%. I'm expected by my family to be baptised and get married. I'm expected to be the perfect mother, despite growing up without my own mother. The guys I date expect me to be a Pixie dream girl with a fat booty and little to no life ambitions. My friends expect me to have it all together - never crying, and never sweating.

Sigh! The expectaction is to be perfect! The most frustrating expectaction in life unless you have a six figure bank balance.

What most forget, is that I am part of less than 30% of millenials in Africa. Africa the continent riddled with corruption, war and famine. I live in a country where the word 'disposable income' doesn't even make the urban dictionary. Our current economic climate doesn't permit a millenial to progress. Unless as millennials we engage in illegal or so called 'immoral' practises, our progress is slower. Things like owning houses or disposable income are a mirage.

My back story is that I'm an orphan, maybe not staying in a shelter type. Still, I didn't have the privilege of having parents to see me through to college. I didn't attend college, haven't afforded it. I didn't earn an inheritance from my baby boomer parents of having a property estate. All my life, I have had to prove myself and work towards 'perfection'. On paper by now I would be a media mogul in the making, with a five figure salary, a penthouse on the upper East side of New York. By sixteen or eighteen I would have my drivers licence and maybe car. I would have gone to an ivy league school and graduated by twenty two, or at most at 25. By then I would have met the love of my life who I would be married to by 30.

Remember Mr. X? I met Mr. X the day that I turned exactly 25. I thought that Mr. X was my soul mate and even the 'one'. In a perfect world, we would have been a media power couple in Africa, with our 'perfectly' blended family. We are both Cancers, creative and driven. But that sounded good in my head and on paper. According to a study by Stanford University, on average, people over 25 said they wanted ideally to marry by 27, buy a home by 28 and start a family by 29. However, these goals are met by those between 25 and 34, of which they are a few.

In Africa, my country to be particular, the expectaction is, by twenty five I should be married. By thirty I should have a house, health insurance, life insurance and a decent paycheck.


I have been writing this blog kinda being a person who's figured it all out. I share insights from personal experiences and wisdom from mentors. But honestly I don't! As I write this I have been on that pendulum with Sagittarius. And it's recent. I aspire for Michelle Obama's love story. I really want to be that quality woman and have that relationship that I deserve. I have always envied Sadé - her feminity, elegance and allure. I want to be Sadé!

But I'm not there yet. I know a few people who sit in the same position as myself. I relate to them but some don't even know it. I have taken responsibility to work towards being a better version of myself. It's not about being perfect, it's about being in that place where you feel positive about yourself. During your lowest points you can still see the rainbow.

I don't want to pretend to be what I'm not. Neither do I want to lower the need to be better to make the next person feel better about themselves.

So, yes, at my age I ain't got my shit together, but it's okay!

Your life is only perfect on social media where you can filter and have many takes....

In real life, you are working towards being the better version of yourself.

P.S. : Always write your own love story!

Lady E

Ciao!

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