The Red Season: Suitcase of I'm Sorry!

 "Check the sign at the door, You are no longer welcome here anymore, And take with you, your suitcase of 'I am sorry," Eloya Somaine.

There's nothing worse than wearing disappointment like a badge of honour. I'm not good with disappointments, even when I logically leave room to expect them. Yes, we are still here, but I'm slowly mentally exiting whatever "ship" that I've been on. You teach people how to treat you. I would like to be treated with integrity. 

You teach people how to treat you.

I'm not self-sabotaging parce que of my anxious-avoidant attachment style. I am cognizant of my shortcomings and insecurities. However, I am being guided by a relationship coach on how to manoeuvre through all this. I gave this male my being (time and space) because I really liked him. I was hoping for a mutual, reciprocal getting-to-know-each-other and relationship with him. But accepting being treated poorly doesn't reflect virtue, substance, or being a high-value woman. 

And sometimes in life we don't always get what we want. And that's okay. Take your 'L' with grace. 

I'm adult enough to take my 'L'. Yes, we ladies also take our 'L's when it comes to dating or relationships. Unless you've been validated, you have no entitlement. Remember, "You could have the best intentions, you could have the most sincere feelings, and you could be a good woman and you still wouldn't be able to keep a man because the only way to keep a man is if that man wants to be kept by you,"  Sipho Mbhele.

Bonjour mes amies! Comment allez vous? I'm honestly feeling low. Mariah Carey's "Breakdown" begins to play. Welcome back to the red season as we pick up where we left off with the red flags, texting, and breadcrumbing. The last article was brutal because we had to rethink our dating life or relationships. I myself realised that I am that fowl pecking at the trail of breadcrumbs only leading to my slaughter. But not anymore. (LeToya Luckett's "Not Anymore" starts to play.)

With a show of hands, how many of us single ladies are exhausted by insincere apologies? I raise both my hands. We aren't perfect, and to err is human, but how many times will "he" apologise and not repent? "How many times are you going to apologise for the same thing?" Kelly Rowland sings on "Bad Habits." Apologies are meant to be followed up with rectification. "I'm sorry" means that you acknowledge offending or hurting the next person. With this acknowledgement, you are now saying that I will not repeat the hurtful act or say the offensive words, and I will do better.

I myself realised that I am that fowl pecking at the trail of breadcrumbs only leading to my slaughter.

Beware of that person who just says, "I'm sorry," just to keep you from walking away from them. They know that they treat you poorly, and you might grant them grace with your patience. You call them out on their behaviour and set your standards so that you will not tolerate their bad behaviour. They might put more effort into communicating, give you more time, and even act like they are changing for the better. And then, just when you are flying in your hot air balloon, they will go right back to being an asshole. 

Today, we are sending back those suitcases of insincere apologies. I want us to meditate upon the pieces of poetry about those suitcases of "I'm sorry." "Sorry" from the 'sorry excuses of human beings' who project their own internal dissatisfaction in order to belittle your affection.

 

I think of the film adaptation of Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow Is Enuf." In particular, Lady Red's (played by Janet Jackson) poem as she confronts her husband. She says, "Save your "sorry." One thing I don't need are any more apologies. I got a sorry greeting at the front door. You can keep yours." 

For how long are we going to be aiding and abetting repeat offenders of the words, "I'm sorry?" 

And here's a piece titled "You Got Served" by yours truly. The mantra is intention, effort, and commitment. Apologies should be sincere and offered with change. I will apologise for my shortcomings and work on treating you better. I will work on ensuring that your thoughts and feelings are considered. I say sorry so that I can work on making our relationship work. We expect the same from others. So when we are fed up with the insincere apologies, bad treatment, and just being sick and tired, of being sick and tired - you serve the papers. I think that I'm now tired:

"Final Notice

Check the sign at the door.

You are no longer welcome here anymore, 

And take with you your suitcase of "I am sorry."

There is no space in my storage room.

A room that's filled with all the empty promises that you gave me

What I needed from you was a box of assorted "I love you," "I need you," and "You are beautiful."

Each form of affection melting in my mouth like toffee-flavoured chocolate.

I wanted alms left at the altar of my body as you entered me.

Instead of withdrawing my soul from me as if I were an ATM machine,

Right now, I have every right to unleash my wrath on you.

You should turn into stone in full view.

You have no access here anymore.

I changed the locks.

This is the final notice accompanied by an eviction letter.

I gave you too many chances to be better.

No more breaking into my heart with sweet nothings.

The alarm system can detect you good for nothing." - Eloya Somaine 

Breathe.

Again, you teach people how to treat you. 

Here's to unpacking suitcases...

... find your corner to cry, realign, and wear those heels as you strut out of situations that don't bring out the best in you.

A prochaine fois...

Cheers!

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E