You are worth the ICE!
Intention. Commitment. Effort.
Y'all, this is my proof of life. It's been a minute. It's been a tumultuous season, and I guess that I'm not the only one. I am glad though, that I am here to pour out and into you. You've always understood me. And then P!nk's 'Mizunderstood' becomes a backtrack to this conversation. But that's a conversation for another day.
A nous allez!
Bonjour, bonjour mes amies! Comment allez-vous? I'm taking it one day at a time.
Picture this: you’re on a date, and instead of engaging in conversation, your date is glued to his phone, replying to texts that are definitely not from you. Or maybe he’s the ‘textationship’ king, flooding your screen with emojis but never making time for an actual face-to-face meeting. Now this is a good one, he's the convenience pro who gets to see you and spend time with you within his vicinity, and not outside his capacity. Now what do we call that *taps head thinking*...Oh yes, BARE MINIMUM!
D'banj voice singing,"I have a confession,..." I am a recovering queen of bare minimum. As in, being at the receiving end of bare minimum in relationships, amongst other ships. I was what the author of 'Why Men Love Bitches' calls a 'doormat'. I suffered from 'nice girl syndrome' which means that I had no standards (although I thought that I did). I would be so understanding and forgiving after they (the males), gave me sweet nothings and honey laced lies. And then 'I Love the Way You Lie' starts to play in my head.
Now ladies, let's gather around in this rather wet and nippy weather and settle in by the warm fireplace. As per usual bring your glasses of wine, or cup of coffee - whatever tickles your fancy, avec tu.
What is bare minimum? The "bare minimum" refers to the smallest amount or least possible effort required to meet a standard, requirement, or expectation. In relationships, it can include maintaining basic communication, but lacking emotional investment. At times it could be an individual fulfilling obligations, but without showing genuine interest.
Bare minimum is the partner who makes little to no effort to connect with you emotionally or physically. He's the one who's quick to make excuses, slow to take accountability, and seems to have all the time in the world for everything else, but never for you. It’s the guy who texts only when he's bored, the one who shows up late (or not at all) without explanation, the one whose apologies are as empty as a politician's promise. It’s the "send me your pic" audacity, the lack of genuine interest in your life, the sporadic appearances and disappearances like Casper the friendly ghost. It’s the constant feeling of being second best, of always having to chase.
The bare minimum seems to be the new normal these days. Whether it's a potential suitor or the guy you're already involved with, it's become all too common for us women to accept crumbs when we deserve the entire loaf.
Bare minimum isn't just about a lack of grand gestures. It's a pervasive pattern of effortlessness, a subtle erosion of respect and affection.
Why do we accept bare minimum?
This is the million-dollar question, isn't it? Why do intelligent, amazing women, like ourselves settle for less than what we deserve? The answer, my friends, is complex and often deeply personal. It's a cocktail of factors.
Since I tend to be the protagonist to all our headlines, one of the reasons that I observed from myself is lack of self esteem. It's ironic that as well spoken, intelligent, and driven as I am I would have low self-esteem, right? It's most recent that I realized that I too, have daddy issues. And they stem from not from a deadbeat dad, rather from a dead...décédé...muerto... dad. In addition, a lack of positive female role models who uphold traditional femininity. But that's a conversation for another day.
Sings, "Preeety huuuurts..." Ever heard of ugly pretty girl? This is where a woman can be attractive, beautiful, pretty etc. but acts for a lack of a better word, 'ugly.' This includes severe low self-esteem. Yep, I've been that girl. How does this relate to our topic of discussion? You see when your esteem is at the bottom of the barrel, you attract low vibrational males. And like hyenas, they can smell your desperation to be loved and validated from miles away.
Remember that "friend" I mentioned who couldn't understand why women are drawn to "bad boys"? He was baffled by the drama, the heartache, the emotional rollercoasters. But sometimes, the drama is a distraction from the soul-crushing boredom of bare minimum. At least with a "bad boy," there's "something" – even if it's chaos.
As I have previously shared with the congregation, I 'loved' me some 'bad boys'. Well, my last poor choice seemed 'different', yet he was the worst. I entertained the same clown reincarnated. It all stemmed from not feeling 'good enough', accompanied by the desperation to be a Mrs.
Other times, it's a fear of being alone that drives us to cling to the first warm body that comes our way, even if he's not really treating us decently as human beings. Y'all, celibacy is hard, I do confess, therefore the prolonged singleness accompanied by, ding, ding, (rings bell), celibacy can push one to seek companionship no matter how flawed it is. It’s like opting for stale bread rather than going hungry. Stale bread is mouldy and smelly...sies man!
Feed thy soul more, and starve the flesh.
Ah, hope. Its an endearing trait for the simple minded. It's flowers, glitter dust, and unicorns. We convince ourselves that with a little love and patience, he’ll turn into Prince Charming. Spoiler alert: he won’t. He's a bullfrog! Don't kiss it!
Honestly, most of us need serious therapy before we decide to join the relationship party bus. I've realised before I go before the carpenter's son who was nailed to a tree over two thousand years ago, I need to unpack traumas with a psychological therapist. You don't know how much trauma that you have until you experience a mental breakdown, or violent outbursts. Past experiences can shape our expectations and make us more tolerant of unhealthy dynamics. Hence accepting bare minimum as your portion because it's better than nothing.
Whether it's the fear of the ticking biological clock, or the depreciation of our sexual market value, or the need to not end up as a cat lady, society puts pressure on women being coupled up. Look we should get married, and start as early as possible to start families. It's the combination of pressure and desperation that then pushes us to at times accept bare minimum. We're constantly bombarded with messages that tell us to settle, to be grateful for what we have, even if "what we have" is a man who barely shows up.
The guys who do the bare minimum are often the ones who know they can get away with it. They're the ones who've learned that if they put in the absolute minimum effort, there will always be a woman willing to accept it. They know that you are so desperate to be somebody's body that you would rather be long suffering. They're the f***boys, the situationship specialists, and, the ones who'll never truly commit.
Heaven forbid you ask for more - quality time, thoughtful gestures, or even basic consideration. That's just too much to ask, according to Mr. Bare Minimum.
Am I Miss Bare Minimum? That's a rhetorical question I continuously I ask myself as I date, or find a potential love interest. I admit I'm not blowing it in the wind as I used to. The system has been upgraded for the Alcatraz around my relationship goals, vagenda, and most of all - heart. And then RL's Steel plays, "It's to the point, I don't cry, I don't hurt, I don't feel, my heart is steel." Starts laughing, "Ita moyo wenjanji!" (Have a heart of steel)
So how do we level up and stop settling for less? The first step is to admit that you are your own problem. The common factor of all your failed relationships, and other ships, is YOU! I would love to join the hate train against Adam's sons, the truth is girly, you must be accountable for being the ringmaster of the circus. If you stood your ground, valued your own boundaries, and walked away from nonsense, you wouldn't be a scorned and injured veteran. Mind you, this is a note to self as well.
Remember that list that you wrote down about the qualities that you desire in 'him'. Dust off that journal and revert to that list. In addition, add the endearing qualities that you possess to that list. I'm a firm believer that you attract what you are, so when you know who you are, you will be able to also spot those qualities in a potential suitor. Also write down your non-negotiables. Remember the five relationship dealbreakers, if he doesn’t meet them, he’s out!
Secondly, set boundaries! Don't just set them, but religiously execute them like your life depends on them. Don’t entertain one-word texts or late-night messages. Putting you on red, blue tick, or grey tick on any message platform. Or making last minute, spontaneous plans. Don't accept unexplained disappearances - he's not a magician. Actually, always have an active life that's outside him even it's staying in to watch 'House of Dragons'.
Be intentional about having quality connections in all facets of your life. Prioritize time with those who make an effort—friends, family, or business, work networks. Real relationships are built on mutual effort. These relationships are great investments as well – trust me, your children will thank you for them. Plus, you will be fulfilled.
Don't be a participant in your own emotional neglect. Be selfish and have self-care. Yes, I'm actually pointing to self. Look when Mr. Bare Minimum is pulling your heartstrings, and orchestrating your heartbreak, he is selfish – return the favour. Invest in your well-being – physically, emotionally, and mentally. Know what you want and deserve in a relationship. Put that into practice until it's a habit, and eventually part of your DNA. Honestly, confidence is very attractive, and definitely attracts quality.
A man will treat you how he feels about you. When he shows you how he feels, believe him.
A man will treat you how he feels about you. When he shows you how he feels, believe him.
We need to unlearn the lie that we're unworthy of true, reciprocal love. We must learn to read and comprehend the writings on the wall and not ignore the red flags, no matter how charming the guy might be. And when we do find ourselves in a situation where we're being treated as an afterthought, we need to have the strength to walk away.
Because, mes amies, you are not a last resort or a placeholder until something better comes along. You are a queen, a goddess, a force to be reckoned with. And it's time you started believing that, too.
À prochaine fois…
You are worthy of a love that is vibrant, passionate, and reciprocated. Believe in your worth...
... and the universe will have no choice but to deliver.
Intention. Commitment. Effort.
You deserve ICE, ICE baby...
P.S.: Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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