Skip to main content

Dying a Little More Inside

2020 has sobered us to grief ...


Chadwick Boseman

If you ask me how I am right now? I'm not okay! Last week my mind took a walk in the morbid alley. Too much news of death, but the biggest blow had to be opening my Instagram at 4.58 a.m and finding out that Chadwick Boseman died. I found tears trickling down my cheeks. I cried for him as if he was someone whom I knew personally. The profound part of this actor's passing was the fact that he had been unwell for a long time. I always knew him to be a private person, only giving us fans the best of him - his talent and impact on the community. It blew my mind at the work ethic that Chadwick displayed despite battling colon cancer. But I can never fathom what his family has been going through. I have experienced the process of palliative care with close ones. It takes a toll on you as the caregiver. Everything within you slowly dies whilst you try to be strong and encouraging. You want to give hope, you pray with a gleam of faith and sometimes, you just break down and cry.

Chadwick's life has inspired us to really look at life with fresh eyes. We ought to stop looking at what hinders us, and work with time. Tomorrow is never promised to us. 

2020 has robbed many of us of loved ones and our lives. Right now, we are in an extreme sport for survival. If it's not trying to survive as a black person in America. If it's not trying to make ends meet in Zimbabwe. If it's not femicide in South Africa. Corruption, gang violence, poverty in most parts of the globe. It is the struggle to remain sane, or hopeful. We are absorbing all the negative energy left, right, and center whilst cooped up in our homes.



As someone who runs social media, I'm affected heavily. Imagine absorbing everything from your timeline. This includes research, disseminating information, responding to comments, at times, receiving backlash. Most people forget that there's a human being behind the keyboard. There's so much venom in comments sections because most people are idle. We have become cruel people during these challenging times. Imagine people's comments about Chadwick's weight and looks. And now those who dragged the actor should be eating crow. That man was giving the world his all despite his challenges. He even visited children suffering from cancer, giving them hope, and putting smiles on their faces. 




When I shed tears, those tears came from a deeper place. I felt my own weight of the things that I have been going through. I thought of those who have lost loved ones. I thought of my ailing grandmother, my late auntie (mother's older sister), the people who can't afford food or rent. We look at people's posts on social media and we judge them harshly. I understand that we do get carried away sometimes so it often looks like clout chasing. Most times though, we are looking for outlets. How many can afford to numb their pain with a little alcohol? Or get hold of a therapist? Of which alcohol is never the best option. Self-care sounds good on paper but the execution is daunting. Peace of mind is a luxury when you are trying to feed your family. Don't get me started about the milk and honey baths when you live below the middle-class line. I don't know how many of us can say that we are okay? I don't even remember when I last knelt down to pray? It's easier said than done to spread the religious ideology of faith online, but when there's no fellowship, the spirit dies. We are all craving intimacy of emotional and mental support that comes with face-to-face interaction. We want to really 'talk' and get things off our chests, but where do we go? 

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender. - Tupac

As I cried, I realized that for the past year; I have been dying a little more inside. This year I wanted to live, not survive, not get by, but live. And live to the fullest. I know that there are many of us who believed that in 2020, we would take a 360 on our lives. We were going to be proactive and work towards meeting our goals. As we look at those who have left us, there those who have lived in their purpose. They have lived full lives attaining their dreams. They lived with passion and action.

We can't bring back those who have gone, but we can live. We need to 'LIVE'! But our living needs to breathe. We cannot do this living under oppression, confinement, or judged or broken. Something has got to give. To quote Tupac, "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender."

Internal death is the worst one could ever experience. We need to search within ourselves and be compassionate with others. We need to see beyond the captions and filters, and ask, "How are you...honestly?" And with everything we treat people's privacy with sensitivity, maturity and discernment whilst walking with them. We all need somebody to lean on.

I hope that through all the pain, somehow we can learn to truly live again.

You have to cherish things in a different way when you know the clock is ticking, you are under pressure. - Chadwick Boseman

Rest easy King!

And this is a dedication to those who have lost loved ones this year, those who need life breathed into their spirits to have hope to carry on.


P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E

Comments

Popular Posts

Single ladies: Wife material

MPV.....my point of view! Single Ladies: Wifen Material *Royal wave*Hey single ladies,your guide is back.The pursuit for Mr Put-A-Ring-On-It is on.Today I would like to make you a get-a-ring-on-it lady. Now following my articles,'Single Ladies Part 3',where I talked about the prince searching for a 'real princess',or 'Queen';and 'Brown Sugar',where the word 'brown sugar' was defined as wifen material,I would like to talk about 'wifey material'.(Whether we are that). How do we single ladies get that ring-on-it,you ask?By being wifey material.My uncle keeps on telling me,'If you want to become Mrs X,you should be a wife.You are a wife before he puts a ring on it'.What he means is that,a man will treat you the way you portray yourself.How,you ask? Ever noticed the difference between a wife and a girlfriend.Now let me break it down for you.A girlfriend usually,takes life in a more leisurely way;unlike a wife,whose focus is mo...

Script My Life: Bad Hair

My relationship with hair extensions will never be the same! It's spooky season and what a time for all things that make your stomach churn, and eyes pop! For most of this series, I review romantic comedies and dramas. The big screen allows me to live vicariously through stories and characters. I can escape my mundane life and all the imperfections in between. I can be anything that I want, through whichever character that I relate to. Funny enough I love horror and thrillers! I love the adrenalin rush of frightening encounters with the paranormal, or mentally unhinged. Most horrors or thrillers often follow a generic pattern, however there those that take the cup for scares. I will never watch 'The Exorcist' and 'The Nun' again! Apart from being scary, I am not playing with all that supernatural stuff. And here we are, watching Hulu's new flick, 'Bad Hair'. Ever since the trailer, I have been religiously following the interviews. In one interview, the f...

The Case of the Ghost

If you decide to ghost, then stay dead! I'm riled up and thinking WTF? Who the hell does he think he is? Trying to walk out of the tomb like the Messiah! Degage! But I also realised that I wasn't over it. IT! The hurt and humiliation of being ghosted. The humiliation of being relegated to  side  chick.  And the pain of going through loss alone. Who the hell does he think he is ... in my life? After many years, I bumped into him at a recent event. Actually, he called out my name and followed me. I don't know why he thought that he and I were Gucci. For two years, that guy was a poltergeist.He didn't reach out to me to explain his behaviour. He didn't send me a birthday message. No communication. Obviously, out of sight, out of mind.And then he has the nerve to call out my full government name. Honestly, I was inebriated and had no time for his nonsense. But he started saying that he and I needed to talk. He thought that I was his girl. He missed me. I'm literally...

Are You Friend Zoning Your Soulmate?

Your perfect match could be right under your nose! And then Colby O'donis' 'Under My Nose' starts playing. As the lyrics play, I can't help reflect on a recent experience that has me wondering - could he be right under my nose, and I've been too blind to see? Bonjour mes amies! Comment allez-vous? Ça va! Bring your wine glasses with you and let's have a chat. So, I've been doing some serious self-reflection after our last discussion. There's a lot of unpacking required  and I really need to let go, so that I heal. Healing leads to new beginnings. And hopefully, happy endings - metaphorically that is. We all know the friendzone - that comfortable space where we stash away people we care about but don't see as romantic partners. But could our so-called 'friends' actually be meant for more?  Lately I've been reflecting on a close acquaintance of mine whom I've realized I may have been unintentionally 'friendzoning.' We'v...

I'm Ready

Por qué me siento así, mi amor? Lo podemos culpar a Cupido!   Bring on the tissues, and a tub of ice cream, and Amarula cream. Cupid really picked on me and not at the best time. And then 'Stupid Cupid' starts playing. Bonjour single ladies! Forgive me for the dramatic entrance, but I feel like a hopelessly enamoured teenager. Remember  le garçon du chocolat ? Oui. Well, what started off as a crush, has developed into more. Could I be in-love? Umm... But I think that the sparks have fizzled out on his end. Throwing myself on the couch.  Why am I this person, though? Am I setting myself up for possibly another heartbreak after recovering from a not so recent one? Like, le garçon du chocolat lives rent free in my mind, and mostly in my dreams. Am I supposed to feel like this actually? Gosh, I feel so embarrassed with my grown self.   So while, I'm manoeuvring through my emotions, let's talk about starting all over again with a renewed perspective. Gather around ladies,...