Dying a Little More Inside

2020 has sobered us to grief ...

If you ask me how I am right now? I'm not okay! Last week my mind took a walk in the morbid alley. Too much news of death, but the biggest blow had to be opening my Instagram at 4.58 a.m and finding out that Chadwick Boseman died. I found tears trickling down my cheeks. I cried for him as if he was someone whom I knew personally. The profound part of this actor's passing was the fact that he had been unwell for a long time. I always knew him to be a private person, only giving us fans the best of him - his talent and impact on the community. It blew my mind at the work ethic that Chadwick displayed despite battling colon cancer. But I can never fathom what his family has been going through. I have experienced the process of palliative care with close ones. It takes a toll on you as the caregiver. Everything within you slowly dies whilst you try to be strong and encouraging. You want to give hope, you pray with a gleam of faith and sometimes, you just break down and cry.

Chadwick's life has inspired us to really look at life with fresh eyes. We ought to stop looking at what hinders us, and work with time. Tomorrow is never promised to us. 

2020 has robbed many of us of loved ones and our lives. Right now, we are in an extreme sport for survival. If it's not trying to survive as a black person in America. If it's not trying to make ends meet in Zimbabwe. If it's not femicide in South Africa. Corruption, gang violence, poverty in most parts of the globe. It is the struggle to remain sane, or hopeful. We are absorbing all the negative energy left, right, and center whilst cooped up in our homes.

As someone who runs social media, I'm affected heavily. Imagine absorbing everything from your timeline. This includes research, disseminating information, responding to comments, at times, receiving backlash. Most people forget that there's a human being behind the keyboard. There's so much venom in comments sections because most people are idle. We have become cruel people during these challenging times. Imagine people's comments about Chadwick's weight and looks. And now those who dragged the actor should be eating crow. That man was giving the world his all despite his challenges. He even visited children suffering from cancer, giving them hope, and putting smiles on their faces. 

When I shed tears, those tears came from a deeper place. I felt my own weight of the things that I have been going through. I thought of those who have lost loved ones. I thought of my ailing grandmother, my late auntie (mother's older sister), the people who can't afford food or rent. We look at people's posts on social media and we judge them harshly. I understand that we do get carried away sometimes so it often looks like clout chasing. Most times though, we are looking for outlets. How many can afford to numb their pain with a little alcohol? Or get hold of a therapist? Of which alcohol is never the best option. Self-care sounds good on paper but the execution is daunting. Peace of mind is a luxury when you are trying to feed your family. Don't get me started about the milk and honey baths when you live below the middle-class line. I don't know how many of us can say that we are okay? I don't even remember when I last knelt down to pray? It's easier said than done to spread the religious ideology of faith online, but when there's no fellowship, the spirit dies. We are all craving intimacy of emotional and mental support that comes with face-to-face interaction. We want to really 'talk' and get things off our chests, but where do we go? 

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender. - Tupac

As I cried, I realized that for the past year; I have been dying a little more inside. This year I wanted to live, not survive, not get by, but live. And live to the fullest. I know that there are many of us who believed that in 2020, we would take a 360 on our lives. We were going to be proactive and work towards meeting our goals. As we look at those who have left us, there those who have lived in their purpose. They have lived full lives attaining their dreams. They lived with passion and action.

We can't bring back those who have gone, but we can live. We need to 'LIVE'! But our living needs to breathe. We cannot do this living under oppression, confinement, or judged or broken. Something has got to give. To quote Tupac, "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender."

Internal death is the worst one could ever experience. We need to search within ourselves and be compassionate with others. We need to see beyond the captions and filters, and ask, "How are you...honestly?" And with everything we treat people's privacy with sensitivity, maturity and discernment whilst walking with them. We all need somebody to lean on.

I hope that through all the pain, somehow we can learn to truly live again.

You have to cherish things in a different way when you know the clock is ticking, you are under pressure. - Chadwick Boseman

Rest easy King!

And this is a dedication to those who have lost loved ones this year, those who need life breathed into their spirits to have hope to carry on.

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E