A man needs to take responsibility of his own healing and growth...
We all have different love stories that we are writing. There is no formula of how we fall in love or love. At times we can’t help whom we fall for although we can choose whether or not to love them. For healthy relationships, we look for a partner who brings out the best in us. A person who is patient with our flaws but doesn’t allow us to get away with bullshit behaviour. We demand and give respect to partners who love themselves enough to show how they will be treated and loved. In turn we take notes from Eleanor “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” There is room for growth in visions and maturity in character.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt”
If we have an understanding of ‘love’ why is it that we shortchange ourselves? I decided to end a ‘relationship’ because it didn’t look or feel like a ‘relationship’. It was more of me being asked to put up with a broken human, who refused to own up to his bad behaviour. Whenever I confronted him, he would twist things so that he could be the victim. I asked of him a relationship that had open communication. He wanted someone to stroke his ego and help him with his pity party. To be honest, I’ve gone through my own issues but such an arrangement is toxic. In essence he wanted me to put up with his immaturity until he decided to grow up.
I myself was loved to healing. I was a broken woman, hurt from rejection and abandonment. I couldn’t form good relationships with anybody including myself. But my uncle and mentor gave me tough love. While they counselled me through my own pain, they didn’t give me room for self hatred or pity. To think of it, the ultimatum was remain in your pain and be a shitty human being, or unlearn the pain and heal. As time went on I was able to appreciate the ‘good guys’ that came into my life. I saw what a man can do when he is really into you. I saw generosity, sacrifice, friendship and encouragement. I enjoyed being respected for my time and effort. I became a better woman, loved myself more. Even today, in the here and now I continuously work on my healing and towards my growth. I do not dwell in problems,complaining or pity parties. I am self aware and responsible for my own actions and how I treat other people.
And then came my brother whose positive energy rubbed on well onto me. I started thinking and speaking positively of myself. He encouraged me to excel and push myself for greater. My life has changed. And that’s why I was and still am ready for a loving relationship. I am able to pour into someone else and encourage growth. I am growing and continue to grow, as well as being able to receive from those who pour into me.
And this is why when I then watched the interview by Pastor John Gray on the ‘Sister’s Circle’, I felt challenged. And not in a good way. Initially I listened and I went, damn, his wife is strong. But as I saw a number of guys share the video it became a problem. One guy told me that women are meant to endure pain in a relationship. We are meant to be like a ‘guy’s mother’. We must be patient, resilient and if we want to remain in relationships, take a man as he is.
My reaction, “Oh, hell NO!”. This is 2018! How are we in this society celebrating toxic masculinity? Where even in the scriptures has it said that a woman’s job, is to raise a man. Proverbs 31 is my mantra, and all I know is that a man shows off that as his woman, wife, I’m the baddest on the planet. Again, our love stories are different but I refuse the one of pain.
My wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children. She has sacrificed these last eight years uncovering the painful areas of my manhood and covering the areas that could have exposed me.
On his Instagram he shared the video of the interview and shared a caption of his gratitude towards his wife.
My heart was broken when we met. She didn’t know. I didn’t know the extent. I just knew something was “wrong” inside. I haven’t been what she needed. I couldn’t love her because I couldn’t love me. I heard @pastorwilliammcdowell talk about the difference between a Covering and a lid. He was speaking of pastoral leadership but the principle is the same. God took a RIB to make woman. What does a the rib cover? The heart. The vital organs. So covering goes both ways. I’m still learning. And sometimes I feel inadequate and want to give up. But I AM NOT MY FATHER. My kids will SEE ME FIGHT UNTIL I BECOME EVERYTHING GOD INTENDED ME TO BE. Greater is He that is IN ME. @grayceeme, thank you for your grace towards me. I love you. There are no words for your expression of Christ to me.
Again, she is a very strong woman and she deserves more...
But in this conversation, we need to redefine what is a ‘man’? To be honest we have more grown male children than fully fledged ‘men’. The quality of a man is different. He knows his role, intentions and vision. I can tell women right now, you can raise a man for the rest of his life and he will still not meet his vision or destiny. That’s if he even has a vision. Pastor John Gray said that his wife was his covering and not lid. It’s good to have a covering, but again a real man covers. Remember the story about the female eagle? She will not mate with a male eagle that cannot carry a stick that’s equivalent to her weight. This is similar to what I wrote about picking your children’s father. More so, this selective criteria needs to be added to the partner that we choose.
Yes, a good woman will help you reach the White House. Michelle Obama revealed in her book, Becoming, that when she met Barack Obama, he was a fully formed individual. In other words, he was a man! She met someone that she could build a life with and look, from the South side of Chicago to the White House they went. And we all have watched the Obamas, with Michelle being her own person, pursuing her own dreams. And we have shed a tear or two whenever Barack has shown his gratitude towards Michelle. Now that’s what being a power couple does - that’s what coverings are.
There are lots of examples of healthy relationships with ordinary people that we can see around us. There’s always that one couple who have good communication skills, a friendship, respect and are growing together. What I and maybe many people would have loved to hear from Pastor John Gray, was that unwed, single males need to heal first before they get into relationships. It’s their responsibility to deal with their own brokenness, seek counselling and do whatever it takes to get to that place where they can be a covering for their woman and family.
It’s not a woman’s job to raise a man. Her womb physically and metaphorically, is not a place for a male to develop. He has no right to bring his baggage with him and expect a woman to suffer in silence whilst he uses her as a punching bag. It’s not a woman’s place to reward his bad behaviour with sex and submission, whilst he chooses to give her aloof attitudes. For most days she’s alone, feeling cold whilst trying to cover him. She’s long suffering, dying to herself to give him life. She could have been the First Lady of a country, or a billionaire media mogul or a best selling recording artist. But this grown male depletes her of her own passion and energy. In the long run we realise that the male is the kid in her life.
That’s not a love a story we as women deserve.
A broken male who wants to heal, and grow up might get a chance. I’m saying this from the point of being loved to healing. The choice was mine to either get my act together, heal and grow or remain stagnant and toxic. The frustrating part is always that broken grown males use the excuse, “I am what I am,... take me as I am.” They serve you with half baked behaviours but expect you to do cartwheels on a plank for them. You must understand that he is broken and if you are a ‘good woman’ or ‘wifey material’ you will accept that.
Wifey material is patient but not stupid. She sets her standards and will even communicate her expectations. If what’s been communicated is not being heard through the expression of compromise, she takes back her shares and leaves. A good woman values herself enough not to shortchange herself. Stakeholders in a relationship must bring their 100% to the table. They will have to have constant and consistent communication about the day to day running of the company. At times they will have to meet halfway and make decisions for the benefit of the vision of the company.
"Until a man finds himself, he will ruin every woman he comes across."
The right message that needs to be sent out is that “You are not a man until you are a complete individual who can hold their own”. A real man who is ready for a relationship and to have a family has integrity, has a vision, is selfless and most of all, confident. He wants his woman to match up to him and be part of the vision. The relationship is reciprocal with both individuals working as a collective.
In the words of Bob Marley, “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her.”
A man will love himself enough to need to love his woman with all that he is and he has...
It’s time to heal and grow up...
...and change the narrative of your love story!
P.S. : Always write your own love story!
Lady E
Ciao!
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