The Look of Love

I appreciate Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson’s ‘Looking Like Love’...

“Oh,oh, you’re looking like love to me.” By now, at my age, I should be a connoisseur of what ‘love’ looks like, feels like and should be. In actual fact, I should be happily in love and over the moon, yet I'm not. At times, through my journey, I have returned to my shell. I am sure at other times, I’m absolutely confused like an adolescent whose hormones are raging whilst still trying to figure themselves out. 

I am a fan of Roxette’s ‘If Must Have Been Love’. Apart from executing it well, vocally, I relate to it lyrically. A while back, using my poetic ‘ego’, I wrote a poem titled, ‘It Looked Like Love, But It Wasn’t’. I was actually listening to Roxette when I wrote the poem. One day I would love to perform it in front of a crowd that would probably connect to it.

“And as I keep on playing Roxette,  

I'm reminded of how I thought that you were heaven sent 

Sent to rebuild what had been destroyed 

From the remnants of my pain 

To wipe away the tears of yesterday 

You looked like love but you weren't 

You felt like love, but you never lasted 

But you were a beautiful dream 

Whilst my eyes were wide open.”

After Sagittarius, I have had time to review yet again, my love life. I sometimes think that I’m predestined to be other women’s mistakes in love. Someone out there is reading this blog, or listening to me coach them in the ‘do not’s of love’. I wish that I was an expert but I’m only just an experience. Over time with the scripts to my life, I have shared that ‘love has no formula’, I have just not figured it out yet.

Hope is not lost, I am ‘Zen Lady E 2.0’. It’s been a journey that I continue to walk on. I might write fluff, but there’s nothing candy flossy about what I write. I am a black woman of African heritage, trying to figure out life like any other breathing human being, on planet earth. Part of being on earth is relationships. As I have been learning, God is relational. The universe as we know it, is relational. 

One way or the other, we seek ‘relationships’ - be it family, friends, societal or romantic. We want that form of contact with other people. In my article about ‘Love By the 10th Date’, I shared that a character by the name, Big Stunna shared with Kelly Rowland’s character, Margot Scotts that love doesn’t always need to be romantic. In a sermon at church, the preacher shared, ‘Not all relationships are love relationships but they are still relationships.’ Furthermore, the preacher shared, ‘We have an emotional need to relate and open our hearts to other.’

And to be honest, the above statements are true even if your heart is ‘steel’. So what does love look like? In a conversation with a colleague, he shared during a tête-à-tête, “You’re not gonna find a finished product anywhere in this world. You just need someone who appreciates you and who you appreciate enough to compromise and also help each other grow cause even you are not perfect.” Coming from him, it was quite profound.

This comes after my commentary about Pastor John Gray’s statement on ‘Sister Circle Live’. As I stated, my problem wasn’t within his own love story. My problem was the message. I found certain ‘males’ including Sagittarius taking this as a way that women should accept their half baked being. By nature, I am a builder. I thrive on building strong foundations of greater things. But as I agreed with a female friend, we can’t go on being ‘Bob the builder’ for grown males. We too as women, especially of colour, require mature, self aware ‘men’ to hold the fort down. We already laid the foundations. 

Love requires a strong foundation. Even we as women are tired of the experience of being insecure and going bat shit crazy. We need security. We need to feel, experience and see what love is. In my personal experience I know what love should look like when a man loves a woman. My father was a clear example. Also in my years of healing, my mentor, my uncle, brothers and even past love interests have shown me what ‘true love’ should look and feel like.

When I was with Sagittarius, I realised that I was repeating the same script with Mr. X. The only difference is Sagittarius was a better actor. More resilient! Sagittarius auditioned, got the role and even played the part. Yet again, ‘same script, different cast.’ I also believe that in my being an introvert, I have a flair for drama. It’s dangerous and exciting. Heartbreak becomes the songwriter’s story line. Think Adele, or Taylor Swift, when we think pop culture references. 

So what does love look like? 

Definitely not what romcoms or love songs have portrayed! One of the ways to know what love looks like is to know your own love language. Author Gary Chapman has written literature about the five love languages. All five languages including gifts, time, words of affirmation, service, and physical touch are part of how we love and receive love. I see love through my top three languages which are, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. In return I firmly believe that by giving praise, making time for others and a hug, make a whole difference. I love through the above and that's why we all need to understand our love languages. But there's more...

So what does love look like? 

...Obviously not what society has socialised us to believe.

Love doesn't come in a perfect package, all wrapped up with a bow. Through experience, love is 1 Corinthians 13 and I have seen the way it looks. It’s that person who sits with you outside the office whilst you use the WiFi to finish up your work. It is that friend who travels all the way from another country just for your birthday. It’s that person who will not put up with your bullshit but instead encourage you to be a better version of yourself. It is that person who makes time and not excuses for you. It’s that person who challenges you to grow up and grow. You are always evolving and becoming better...in short love brings out the best in you.

In the prologue of ‘It Looked Like Love, But It Wasn’t’:

“So here I am in the haze of smoke 

Eyes filled with glaucoma 

Just Ray Charles singing the Blues 

Pondering on what would have become of me and you 

But you were heaven sent,Sent to teach me a lesson 

And to thank God 

Because it looked like love but it wasn't 

It felt like love wrapped around me like a blanket 

But it never lasted 

But it was a beautiful dream whilst I was wide awake.”

When it isn’t what it looks like, learn to grow from it. Don’t let it make you bitter but as you heal, become better...

One day your eyes will be open to see the look of love, because it will look into your eyes...

It will be a reflection in the mirror...

P.S. : Always write your own love story!

Lady E

Ciao!