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The Faults of Karma

Karma is nobody's friend so don't bet on her!

“What goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, now who’s crying, desiring to come back to me,”-Karma, Alicia Keys


I remember this one day by the traffic lights as my mentor walked me towards the rank where I got my transport to go home and he said to me, “I believe that one day you will be very successful and rise and Mr X will be at his lowest point and realise that you were a good one…that he shouldn’t have let go!” Bless my mentor’s heart, apart from men in my family; he’s the only man who sees me. To be honest it’s been four years since the Mr X incident or ‘situationship’, two of those I have neither bumped into him nor (and hallelujah) ‘stalked’ him (oh, please, don’t even judge me, the man was stalking me too, remember he used to read my blogs on his platform, and even spent the whole night looking over my table at a bar, so it was mutual). Unfortunately he and I very much share a very small circle, being in the same industry, supporting, promoting, (at times even using), the same circle, with some individuals being friends so even though I repented, I will always know what he’s up to, by default!

So in these four years to be honest, ‘karma’ hasn’t been on my side. Mr X is actually thriving, if not even happy and I; I have no energy for life at all. Yes, I wanted to prove that I was so much better than what he thought or assumed but when I realised if you were never ‘good enough’ for that one person in the first place, no amount of change or betterment will make them view you any different. So I have stopped trying at all and to be honest, in the force of ‘karma’, I have been getting the shorter end of the stick pretty much in all aspects of my life. Was my mentor right? One day I will be this successful Bonang Matheba or Beyoncé type of woman, who’s out of one’s league but will then have a powerful man by her side and the respect of her peers? Bless his heart, he was just being a kind person who saw potential in me and tried to comfort me during my healing process. Am I bitter though about everything? Well, I have become realistic about life to the point of being nonchalant.

The other day a friend of mine and I were discussing about relationships amongst many things, his concern that I am not in one either for the commitment or just purely sex because according to him I am depriving myself of ‘fulfilment’. He’s right. I overwork, I have needs, and three years of celibacy means that my house is probably haunted and cobwebbed (pun intended). I simply put it that I could possibly indulge in meaningless sex if there was an individual who didn’t kiss and tell because I am particular about my image, I do not need receipts on me, but to be honest I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually beyond the ‘whore phase’ (The whore phase is a time in an individual’s life where casual, meaningless sex is exciting as one keeps the ball rolling until they find ‘the ONE’ and decide on settling down). He then pointed out that ‘fear’ shouldn’t stop me from living because I have needs as a woman and just as a human being, there’s need to release the pressure and if I don’t like receipts then a married man would be an ideal candidate. According to my friend, a guy who kisses and tells usually has nothing to lose and often wants to earn bragging rights, so a married man has everything to lose and would rather keep affairs and mistresses on the hush, hush and low, low. In addition, a married man would possibly take care of my financial needs given the perilous times that we are living in. These are actually valid reasons with a lot of benefits coming to think of it but I then highlighted that uno, one day, someday I would love to be married and as a woman how would I feel about such a scenario where another woman in my current situation took up my ‘married’ husband’s proposition of being his mistress? I said that I am afraid of ‘karma’.

My friend just looked at me and said that, “Karma’s bullshit,” and then went on to share his own personal stories about how karma never worked in his favour. After he said that, I agree, the idea of ‘karma’ or God’s revenge upon one’s enemies or transgressors is hogwash. How many people have really received the satisfaction of seeing or hearing about the vengeance upon their ‘enemy’ in their lifetime? When has that person experienced the same hell that they put you through from someone else? (Well if you are going to say, Angelina Jolie received her ‘karma’ after what she put Jennifer Aniston through…keep holding your breath). Most of us spend so much time dwelling upon the idea that the universe will avenge on our behalf for the hurt and the pain that the next person or people put us through. Most of us wait. “I just can’t wait until the day that he (or she)…” and sadly that day never ever comes. To be honest for most of us, we will be stuck in  rut, no development in our lives, most possibly deteriorate and we still wish the worst, even hope, actually pray for the worst on those who we feel or think wronged us (not that I am dismissing the wrongs).

‘Assholes always win in life and good guys finish last.’ And with that said it’s time for a new mind set, why not be an asshole yourself. I’m not advocating for one to purposely go around and hurt and humiliate others, that’s just foul really, but don’t live your life trying to prove something to your ‘enemies’ or transgressors, don’t even mind them and whether they are progressing or failing in life because chances are you will be more crushed than before. ‘Karma’ is an idea created by humanity to try to comfort them but it’s not a reality. In reality, you are spending so much time and energy, consciously and subconsciously on someone or people who don’t care about you and don’t even remember your mere existence. So from now on, toss aside the notion of karma and even to some extent the idea of ‘forgiveness’ because it still takes you back to obsessing over that ‘douchebag’ which at the end of the day, ‘why?’

Will I embark on a relationship with a married man to ‘fulfill’ my needs, nah! I have moved away from desperation, although yes, a little stability in my pocket and career would be good and having a partner who’s on the same page about commitment and intimacy would be great, but I refuse to be pushed even by my own friends (or physical needs) because I have a goal, and don’t you even judge me.

I am working on making myself better even though I am not where I want be in all aspects of my life, I am dedicating time to myself and my child and believe it or not I do not dwell on hearing the worst about Mr X. I can’t say that I wish him well or am happy for him, but his existence is like September wind that comes and goes and look out of sight, out of mind…

Again…Karma is bullshit!

But there is room to get what you need out of life even if it’s not what you want, as long as you can have contentment because that’s the whole point of the idea of ‘karma’-to have contentment or ‘satisfaction’ so that you don’t feel sorry for yourself. ‘Karma’ might not work but that doesn’t mean that your life doesn’t have to.

P.S. Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E

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