Colour blind is ignorance when all you see is red...
...learn your colours!
Oi, you lovely lot! Whaddup, 'ow's it goin'? I’m gettin’ there, innit? Just takin’ me time, you know how it is. A while ago, I scrolled down my timeline, and I came across an interesting thread on X. Actually the responses were wild, but it had me thinking, I would love my readers to share their own experiences.
The question was as follows;
What was the craziest thing that you've done to investigate a man?
Fam, the responses in this thread are worthy of scripts. Don't play with a woman who wants the truth. She has better investigative skills than any intelligence agency. This led me - actually inspired me to share my own personal experiences. My life is so ironical. I like keeping my relationships on the low because my ego can't handle the humiliation if things don't work out. However, drama seems to ensue whenever I decide to allow a male into my space. Of late, I realised that I have entertained a lot of court jesters, (subconsciously I might have been doing that out of boredom). The thing with entertaining clowns though, they juggle with your heart and mind - further aggravating your traumas, triggering you, and driving you bat shit cray, cray. Think Harley Quinn and the Joker.
Now, your girl has experienced moments of being un poco loço por que she vibrated in the lowest of frequencies, and definitely continued to drive through red traffic lights. Shem!
I don't recall ever investigating them, the males whom I was in 'ships' with, however my gut instincts have always scripted the disappointment. And then Rihanna's 'Stupid in love', starts to play. "My new nickname is "You Idiot" (such an idiot), Hmm that's what my friends are calling me when they see me yelling into my phone." Yep! I've been a dunce in these ships.
Today, ladies and gentlemen of the congregation, as a findoutologist, I would like to share a few of my personal experiences of the truth coming out like episodes of Maury. Below are the times that I found out that my ships where sinking whilst I was on board.
1. The HR grapevine
This is the story that I've painstakingly narrated over and over, and yet it still hurts like a mother***. Yes, what I have come to believe as my biggest poor choice made Mr. X look like a saint. As in, I found out from the Human Resources officer at my workplace, that my dear beloved love interest, married his longtime fiancée over Valentines weekend. As in the traditional wedding, and white wedding! I kid you not, the HR had the tea, the kettle, and china about his nuptials. I mean details of the kitenge, the suits, and colour scheme of the wedding. Fam!!!
I was blindsided. I lost weight, confidence, and was depressed for almost a year.
I'm still recovering from that.
2. He's type is definitely not you
Forget about Atlanta, Harare, has enough closeted men to fill up a Dolce and Gabbana store. So let's call this one Red fox. So, Red fox fed my delulu. Initially I wasn't interested in Red fox, but he was persistent, and slightly charming, and well. With my vision obscured by the rose coloured glasses that I wore while the writings were on the wall - I believed him. It took talking about him at a fashion week event as I enjoyed a little kiki with some fab designers to find out the truth. Someone just outed Red fox, and even stated that he was a bottom. If you know, you know! That was the beginning of my miseducation in relationships and popular culture. I never confronted Red fox about it, I just allowed both of us to poltergeist.
3. He nailed it
Oh, salons! Aren't they the best? Well, this one time I was at the nail salon, minding my own business, lo and behold. This one young woman mentioned my person's name. My ears lifted like a hound's to eavesdrop. Across the room, another woman chimed in, talking about the same person - my person. Ah! At that moment I thought that it would stop at these two. Nah! Two more ladies shared both personal and related stories about this man - my man! I sometimes believe that my calm nature is frightening because I didn't react. I laughed it off and even slid in comments about this philandering a**hole. The reality of this is that my man was community penis, and I literally learnt that on that day.
Ironically, I stayed with him still, and then eventually got fed up. Oh, he had a type - light skin or mixed race women!
4. Red-handed
One of the trigger words in my relationships is 'I'm busy'. If you want to see me quickly turn into the Incredible Hulk - date me and use that statement more often than you actually see me. Let's call this one, Johnny (inspired by Yemi Alade's 2014 hit). I've mentioned Johnny bwoy before, but for those new to the circle, I'll go over the story again.
Johnny was the dull crayon in the box who excited my loins, and offered fun. Anyway he chased after me with so much zest, I eventually fell for him. I was so into him that I even cooked him a meal for his birthday, to which he didn't show up. Believe me that's when I should have worn my snickers and ran! But I didn't. Johnny began to be inconsistent. He didn't communicate much and started being 'busy'! Fam!
Anyway, on one beautiful afternoon, I was having brunch with a group of friends. It was lovely, catching up with food and drinks - entertainment beverages. Wink! The one friend whom I was sitting next to started telling me about Johnny bwoy - because she knew him. She wasn't aware that he and I were in a 'ship'. She shared that Johnny has a girlfriend whom he wanted her to meet. Acting unaware, I was like who is this girlfriend? Lo, and behold, she wasn't me! I had a slight twitch as if a circuit had been disrupted. My friend ended the conversation with, "I don't care to meet his new girlfriend because he can't keep one. Actually, that n***a ain't sh*t." I concurred.
He texted me later in the evening, and all I said is, "Boy bye!". Literally! I gave myself exactly a fortnight to calm down. And since he ghosted me, I deleted his number. THE END.
5. She popped up on my timeline
Now this one was like karma! I mean the universe filling in gaps that I forgot needed filling. Let's call this one Jacob. So Jacob was a divorcee, whom I was enamoured with. He was always vague about how his first marriage ended, but it always seemed that his ex wife was the wicked witch of the west. I naively sympathised with Jacob. I loved that man. Wanted to marry him in a heartbeat. Jacob has been the constant blessing and curse in my life, especially with him out of it. Anyway, I was on LinkedIn, trying to be a serious corporate person. And guess who just popped up on my timeline? Amaiguru!
I mean Jacob's ex wife. With glee I travelled down the rabbit hole. Imagine this woman who was vilified struck me as a woman of substance. Spiritual, calm, and mature. I couldn't believe my screen. That's when the statement, there are three sides to a story meant something to me. His. Hers. And the truth.
Amaiguru is my hero!
A male can lie to me. I could actually believe those lies, or love the way he lies. But as the Shona proverb says, "Rina manyanga hariputirwe" (What has horns will be revealed) - because they clearly stick out. And then Little Mix's 'Sweet Melody' starts playing.
"He used to sing me, sweet melodies, he played me, made me believe it was real love," Little Mix.
Unlike the common thread in all these stories (pun intended), I didn't go out of my way to snoop or investigate. My gut instinct told me something was amiss, so I listened to that little voice, and God delivered and confirmed my suspicions.
Studies show that women are hardwired to be more attuned to subtle behavioural cues and red flags. And the consequences of uncovering a partner's lies can be devastating - from feelings of betrayal and low self-worth to trust issues that linger long after the relationship has ended.
But it's not all doom and gloom. There are healthy ways to move on and heal from the trauma of being cheated on, or just not being prioritised. Firstly, have the courage to walk away. And then surround yourself with a strong support system, focus on self-care, and don't be afraid to seek professional help if needed. And remember, their infidelity, or not choosing you says far more about them than it does about you. However, you must own your sh**, and wear your big girl panties. Hold up the mirror and reflect on why you entertain the circus. Remember, if you want a king, stop entertaining clowns! Period!
We've seen this in literary and cinematic examples of this phenomenon. Who can forget Elizabeth Bennet's mortification upon discovering Mr. Darcy's role in separating her sister from Mr. Bingley? Or Carrie Bradshaw's heartbreak when she realizes Mr. Big has been keeping his marriage to Natasha a secret? These iconic characters remind us that we're not alone in our experiences - and that sometimes, the truth can set us free, even if it hurts.
As I've gone through the several incidents, I'm noticing a pattern that I need to unlearn. That is, dating and entering ships with emotionally unavailable males. I'm also realising that I do need to improve the vetting process. What I'm grateful for is that though it's years later, it's not too late to become 'her'. A woman of value, who also gets the relationship that she knows that she deserves.
Red is sexy as lipstick, on a dress, and it can take you home when you click those heels - but see it for what it is. Danger!
So the next time you find yourself doubting your partner's loyalty, then understand there's a stop sign ahead. Remove those rose coloured glasses, pop that idealistic relationship or ship bubble, and walk away.
Remember to stay grounded, trust your instincts, and prioritize your own wellbeing. After all, you deserve so much more than to be anyone's second choice. You deserve someone who desires to be with you. Who craves to share the same physical and spiritual space with you. No excuses!
Remember our mantra, "intention, commitment, and effort," it's as simple as ABC.
Colour blind is ignorance when all you see is red...learn your colours!
As I share these stories, I recently cut the umbilical cord with someone whom I named Kha'in (yes, that's Arabic). I know, I know, yet another poor choice. When will I ever learn? Hides face. I haven’t found out anything, yet, but I trust patterns, and my gut instincts. This male is capping! But y'all the detachment is hurting like a mother******. I was ten toes down and deep. I mean, me, considering giving up drinking for good! Yeah! I really had faith in this one - really I did.
But as I'm unlearning being Miss Bare Minimum, and entertaining emotionally unavailable males, whilst rebuilding my self esteem, I love me more. More than the idea of being charmed by a beautiful face, a sexy deep voice, whilst being offered cups of disappointment, unmet expectations, dressed with honey laced lies, and decadent sweet nothings.
I deserve better!
I believe that the universe will eventually deliver Kha'in's truth to my door. God knows that Kha'in won't ever be accountable, and offer the truth, because his actions towards me are the writings on the wall. I got the message loud and clear!
Still it hurts.
Playing Mariah Carey and Bone Thug-N-Harmony's 'Breakdown'. "Well, I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you, But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind (losing my mind), Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside.."
I will survive!
A prochaine fois....
Unlearn, go barefoot and walk away,...
...and walk into what you want to become!
A woman of substance!
P.S.: Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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