Please, Just Build Me a Bar!

I will cook, I will clean, suck your d**k....

....and drink! Bonjour mes amies! Comment ça va? Je suis comme ci, comme ça, but with hope the universe will hear my plea. Gather around ladies and bring your glass of your favourite poison, and let's chat. Disclaimer, I take great discretion not to reveal identities, and name people by their birth names, however I will mention interactions, if need be, for the purpose of conversation. In short, don't take it personal, but if the shoe fits, just tie those laces up, and walk.

Now that's clear, à nous allez! So, there's a young guy at work, who's made a pass at me. Of course, I would gracefully be delighted to have a young man crush on me. However, as I've come to discover, he's trying to fulfill a sexual fantasy of being with an older woman, who in this case, is a single parent. Sigh. I quickly shut that down, because at this phase of my life, I'm definitely not the one. My appetite is for a full course meal and a dessert, not a teaser like a bread stick. Smile.

The other day he and I engaged in a conversation. He has a problem with my jovial indulgence in fermented grapes and the sorts. And I asked, "Why should I care about your dislike for my wine and gin loving pallette?" He responded that no man wants a woman who drinks, especially if he wants to marry her. Fair and fine that's an actual point. "But you don't have intentions to marry me?" I responded. I highlighted the notion of pairing with someone like you. From my father, to uncles, and brothers, they have all shared a love for their 'drinks' with their spouses. I believe that it has to be mutual, where, and how couples choose to drink together, or be of sober habits.

I then went on to school this young one that when you are grown, you understand that it's naïve to assume that you can change someone else. As my uncle shared, be with your person in the present - who they are, what they look like, and how they act, and not 'potential'. When you bank on false hopes of change, you will be slapped by the ugly unmet expectations. I said, choose someone who is like you and meets your caliber. If you don't drink, get yourself a girl whose tongue has never tasted a draft, or even Chibuku.

I later shared this conversation with my female work colleague on our way home. She's a married, more mature woman. And she agreed that get a person who's in a similar lane as yours, otherwise you will have problems. She highlighted that this is where you hear the words, 'You've changed,' or 'You always knew who I was.' And I return to the point of being unequally yoked. I admitted that I need my husband to build me a bar in our house. We both laughed.

Here's my rational, he's probably out there working hard, chasing that paper to ensure a comfortable life for his family - him, me, and our kids. Right. But coming home late even for genuine reasons might travel to weird assumptions i.e., other females (or others), gambling or other nefarious activities. If I have this bar, after the kids have gone to bed, I can invite my girlfriends over. We can catch up over a bottle of wine, or gin and tonic. At this moment I'm not getting paranoid watching the clock. Instead, I'm entertained. The ladies will leave at godly hours, and I might just have another glass and go to bed. Or pass out on the couch. And then the moment that he returns home, he doesn't come to a nagging woman. Or a woman who's about to make the seven o'clock news for putting her man in a body bag. Sic! But you know what I mean. The next morning, I am delighted to make him a cup of coffee, as I make myself one too, parce que, hangover! I have no time to be arguing or calling him out. I will fix him up, kiss him, and say, 'Go make us millions babe.' Voila!

I'm hysterically laughing as I write this because it's perfect...perfectly insane. My colleague laughed, and we both loudly uttered, 'Please just build me a bar.'

With a show of hands, how many of us enjoy a glass or two of wine? How many of us are social drinkers? How many of us get wasted and could actually tone down? And for those who realise and know someone who abuses alcohol, let's get help. I will be honest there's a thin line between enjoying and abuse. An alcoholic female is the least attractive being. And very exhausting. Let's get help.

A nous allez!

Now we don't have to agree about the bar thing, but we can agree that this I can change my muntu, or umuntu is getting tired. I will reiterate, if you find yourself trying to change your partner - they were never meant for you. I do believe that the relationship between the two of you can inspire change. Good communication can change perceptions. What about compromise? From my understanding, compromise is a mutual agreement to meet each other halfway so as to benefit both parties. For example, I want a holiday by the beach let's say Zanzibar, or Seychelles. (Nice life problems hey). And he's stating that his budget won't allow us. I want the beach; he wants something reasonably within his budget. One of us proposes Kariba or Victoria Falls. The other says, "Kariba actually has that beach vibe, especially on Rhino Island, or Changa." That's compromise. 

I still want that bar, a wine cellar even! Actually, a walk-in refrigerator! Laughs. One of the many lessons that I have learnt so far, is to dump that list. The 'what I don't want list'. Energy begets energy. When you are so focused on what you don't want, you miss out on what might be in front of you. Why not have a 'what I like, love, or want list'? Not too long of course. Don't throw out your values or standards - that's the core of your being. 

For those who have been consistent with this blog, we are aware of my 'don'ts'. Enough the times have I placed emphasis on repulsive behaviours that I have experienced throughout my dating life. And you know what? The same a**holes have reincarnated - a bad case of the same script but different casts. I decided to turn a new leaf and return to my checklist focusing on the positive aspects. I asked myself, "What do I really want?" Positive energy to draw what I really want. So yes, I'm on a path of aligning myself with that mate who will be delighted to build me a bar.

Oh yes, we revert to the bar because it's the focal point. 

A prochaine fois...

Enjoy every sip of your favourite libation and remember la vie est courte.

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E