I dreamt of him again, and this time he broke my heart...
....AGAIN! How does one have AM dreams at 10.29 pm? And so vivid, that you experience the intense emotions. Hello single ladies, how have you been? Well, it's story time, and we need to gather around for this. Bring your wine glasses with you.
I would like to begin with the sequel of the dream as it happened. We will revert to the first dream that I never shared with you on this platform later on. I went to bed early due to being riled up from my 9 to 5. In what felt like the longest hours of sleep, I had a dream. It started off at night, in a crowded space, something like a carnival or festival - lots of music and dance. He takes me by the hand, and we walk up to the front. At that moment the fireworks come on. An air of excitement can be felt from the crowd as the fireworks colourfully light up the sky. I'm smiling in awe of watching the sky. He then looks at me, draws me in, and kisses me.
Let's just pause there, now that I'm conscious, I do admit, I need to steer clear of television shows. Between watching 'Bigger', repeats of 'Insecure' and 'The Bold Type', my imagination is running a bit wild. All that happened clearly is a scene from some rom-com right? I digress. Let's continue. The scenery changes, and he's apologizing (again) for being a total prick. I let him know that he and I are in a good place. I forgave him a long time ago. He asks to start all over and get reacquainted. He would like to go on a date with me, with the possibility of a courtship. I amicably decline this request. I highlight that despite being in a good place, I didn't foresee a present, or future with him. As friends, or more than that. I also stated that I didn't want my heart broken, again, by him. He persists in his offer, stating that this time it's different because we are different.
Change scene. We are on a cruise ship. We are dressed in all white, for those 'all-white' parties. He and I dance, and then he asks to meet with me somewhere else. I wait for him for a long time and start to feel cold. I decide to return to the deck where the party is. As I arrive, he pulls a stunt that completely humiliates me. He passes a hurtful comment stating that I remain a naive woman, who doesn't realize that he wants nothing to do with me. Those around him laugh, and he turns away. My heart dropped, tears welled up, and I woke up. I took my phone and checked the time. It was 22:29 hours. What in the hell?
I still felt pain in my chest, and I actually did shed a tear. What just happened? I lay in bed and played the Calm app so as to try to fall asleep again. I shared the dream with my older colleague on our way to work. She asked if I don't have unresolved emotions. Quoi, Moi?! Unresolved emotions? Maybe.
Some months ago, in the wee hours of the morning, I had a dream. He approached me and smiled at me. He asked me if we could talk, and I agreed. He apologized to me for hurting me, and how he handled the 'situation'. I calmly stated that if his apology clears his conscience, then it is well. I forgave him a long time ago, and am at peace. He then starts chatting with me. Strangely, he and I are both laughing, and seem to be enjoying each other's company. And then I woke up.
Ladies, let's talk about limerence. According to Dictionary.com, Limerence [ li-mer-uhns ] is a noun. It is defined as the state of being obsessively infatuated with someone, usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person. In the article 'Un Poco Loco', I did share that there's a thin line between obsession and getting over someone. Most of us do go through what Ne-yo sang, 'I just wonder, do you ever think of me?' moments. With that, there's the occasional browsing through their social media timeline or enquiry about their well-being through mutual friends. Am I guilty of the above-mentioned - yes?
What's been on my mind of late? Honestly, money, and getting my life together. My 9 to 5 already preoccupies my mental space to the detriment of my mental health (most times). So where are we having these 'ideas' of 'him?' Sitting here and talking to you, there's a realization that maybe not all is resolved. Consciously I do say that I'm in a good space, but maybe subconsciously there's a need for 'closure.' I have been made aware that I tend to sweep things under the rug, and pretend to be alright about things. How many of us are guilty of that.
The question is, do we call this current position 'limerence', or something else? How do we know that we are over someone or the idea of them? At what stage do we cease to entertain the thoughts of a 'what could be? Honestly, I don't have the answers. What I can say is that we need to deal with the subconscious. It's sort of difficult, however from my observation, that's the only way to unpack those suitcases.
I'm just thinking the worst-case scenario, you are with your current person, and you blurt out that other person, or your ex's name. I'm literally hiding my face. Damn these dreams! Sigh!
Oh well! I'm glad to have that off my chest. I believe that the biggest lesson is self-awareness, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It's great to be logical, but it is human to be moved by emotion. Fear, tears, and even pain are part of the journey of healing. Just don't allow 'limerence' to keep you stuck when there are beautiful things in front of you and ahead of you.
A prochaine fois...
Keep on 'Becoming' that person who's not afraid to be vulnerable as they grow.
P.S.: Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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