Looking at my nails and how I’ve made a meal out of them…
I need a break! The past three weeks have been extremely exhausting to say the least. I decided to come to this platform to somewhat, somehow distress. Writing is often cathartic even to an absent audience. I’m just tired! Sections of my skin are eczematous and I even suffered a breakdown last week. God, I wish it were hormones but it’s just being overwhelmed.
I am tired – physically, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I have nothing to give. That empty jar that cannot pour out anymore. I’m sometimes emotionally numb…. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I keep absorbing the negativity from my timeline on social media. Unfortunately, it’s my job to be online. With my skills I have to work triple in curating and creating content. In short, I’m online all the time. But it’s depressing me. You know how baby boomers describe millennials…I’m that millennial! And with that said it makes it even more difficult to open up.
Every time I want to vent, I’m thinking that the next person will state that I have nice life problems. And maybe I do, shrugs shoulders. In the shoes that I’m walking in, I’m experiencing a lot of unhealthy environments on a lot of fronts. I’m in no position to walk away. There are prospects of greener pastures in both the metaphorical and literal sense.
I’m just tired. Sigh!
I promised myself that I would use this platform to uplift and empower. Less focus on me and more on the world around me. Honestly, I really don’t know what I’m doing. I look like what I feel inside. Over the weekend I was looking at a certain colleague. Though I’m older than her, I felt a great intimidation. She’s this glamorous person who’s likeable. She’s getting ahead in her career and becoming better. Her glow up has been remarkable. She’s almost everything that I told myself that I would be once upon a time.
I reflected upon how so much has happened but most remains the same…I’m stuck!
Whether it’s my twelve-year-old self who lost father. Or my teenage self who didn’t fit in. My insecure young adult self. Or my current self whose environment is like a ticking time bomb. I’m aware of what’s happening, I frightened, at most hopeless. I’m failing to cope but I just keep functioning in robot mode. I’m an employee, a mother, I’ve got bills and that’s all – just get up and go. There’s an expectation to pull yourself together and keep moving. The world hasn’t stopped rotating because of the pandemic. If not, it’s the most proactive than it’s ever been in history.
So where do I off trying to get the luxury to slow down? Who the hell do I think I am? I should be grateful for where I am because it’s selfish to just want to breathe. Peace of mind is a privilege. And rest is for the dead.
Note to self.
Today was just another Monday! No breakthrough. A carryover of the previous week’s pressures and uncompleted tasks. Again, I’m just tired. Sigh.
Forgive me for not being the usual. I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing right now.
All I can say today is just another Monday…
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!
P.S.: Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Comments
Post a Comment