I will be the autocrat of my reproductive state!
Finish and klaar! Bonjour mes amies, how are you, single ladies? I stand here proud...I should treat myself. While adulting is ghetto, I'm proud of myself as a parent. For the first time in my adult life, I have made adult decisions, particularly for my daughter's life.
Speaking of my daughter, we are crossing over to teenagehood. Now that hood is hood, and not for the faint-hearted. Those years can be rough! If nature's not on your side, those six years of high school will be hell. But if you are lucky - you will be POPULAR. Something that I never related to during my adolescent years. Despite high school trials and tribulations, my girl will do great parce que, I'm her guide.
I concluded that my daughter will be an only child. I might....which is a major if...choose to adopt another child. My emotional disposition, financial capacity will guide that decision and I don't know... if I want to have another child. I believe that I came to an honest place with you when I discussed art imitating reality. I never desired to have children. It was never a life plan.
A husband, yes that's something I've always desired. A trailblazing career, most definitely. Traveling, building empires, leaving legacies, growing old, and being cremated when I die, all the above were on my vision board. But kids ...NO! It's come as a surprise to many who've heard me speak about this. My younger sister has somewhat accused me of witchcraft because only witches don't like children. Each person to their own opinions.
I have read of several women who have no maternal instinct. The idea of motherhood is so far fetched. Our society vilifies women who actually don't want little rascals messing up their white furniture, or doing school rounds. They say, 'maybe it's because you haven't found the right person to have kids with.' Others believe that if those women weren't too busy with work, they would desire to be a parent. Without going far, Oprah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Danai Gurira to name but a few, are women with no children. Yet they remain influential, and most importantly women!
I had a conversation with a motherly figure at work. As in my previous post, she too believes that I'm selfish in not having other kids. I asked, "Would you like me to have another child out of wedlock?" The response was that, it's not about the institution but the principle of 'family'. My daughter needs a sibling with whom she can share a life with. Again highlighting that I myself have siblings, sisters for that matter. Again, I will HIGHLIGHT in caps, my factory is closed! If within the next two years I am not within the institution that I find suitable to procreate, then it's a done deal.
I don't desire to be a grandma mother. You know those geriatric mothers with toddlers and teens when they should be in a retirement home. I will admit to my vanity. Plus, that career, the traveling et cetera, those are my top goals when little miss goes off to college. When my daughter turns 21, I will be 42. A perfect age for me to live for myself.
I decided to return and defend not only my own but the autocratic right of women like myself when it comes to womb politics and vaginal governance. I'm no expert. I have no stats about childbirth or raising a family. What I do know is that societal pressure of a 'complete' woman breeds 'bad moms'. While I despise that term, 'bad mom', there are some sh*tty female parents out there. There are women who had no business in bringing children whom they could not parent into the world. Yet most of us still breed like rabbits because motherhood makes us 'real women'.
Whenever I speak to young (childless) women, I advise them not to rush into marriage and motherhood. That idea of cute babies, pregnancy shoots, and fancy baby showers deludes girls and young women into the harsh realities of parenthood. Being a mother means dying unto oneself. You give up the very being of yourself. And no, you can't have it all. Celebrities make it look so easy being a mum, yet we forget that behind the Instagram scenes, there are nannies. The real women who don't wear matching outfits with their kids. The ones who understand the difference between spoiling and empathy. If adulting is the ghetto, then parenting is the slums. I say the former statement with all due respect.
If adulting is the ghetto, then parenting is the slums.
The goal of, or what should be the goal of parenthood is to raise a mentally healthy adult who can contribute positively to society. As a parent, you ought to equip your offspring with life skills that will help them survive this cruel world. Give them enough that they may not resent you, but appreciate your sacrifice. In addition, your children should have an appreciation of the haves and have nots so that they don't turn out to be pricks.
Yet most young women and girls have children to 'fulfill' them. Make themselves 'whole', or 'complete'. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the 'completion' statement, I would be Jeff Bezos. The point is, if you are emotionally, mentally, or spiritually void no husband, partner or baby can fill that up. What happens in the scenario of broken women having children is a projection of similar dysfunctions. We have learnt that babies can't fix relationships. Worse in the baby mama culture that we live in. A baby won't keep him, make him stay, make them love you more...or validate your femininity. Children may amplify your maladies as a human being.
I love my child to death. I always say that she saved me. If I didn't have her, I would have been dead now. But she doesn't fulfill me. Every day I have to choose to be a parent. I have to emotionally psyche myself up to give of myself. Maternal instincts didn't kick in when I gave birth. Hell, I suffered from postpartum depression. My humanity told me that this little girl needs your protection, otherwise I was ill-equipped. To be a parent requires emotional maturity. You will need to understand that it starts with you but it's not about you.
You will need to understand that it starts with you but it's not about you.
I have had to unlearn a lot of unhealthy practices. I set boundaries with actions and words because I'm cognizant of the side effects on my child. Would I want to do that again? No! I am choosing to give my daughter the best, and most of myself for the next eight to ten years. Until she can stand on her own. I will never stop being her parent, but I will allow my child to grow up into an adult. Hopefully, life will be much easier for her.
But back to the pressure from my maternal colleague. She's from that generation. If you understand my lingo, you understand what I'm communicating. I respect any woman or man who honestly states that they don't want children. It's not their calling. They acknowledge that they are not equipped to be custodians of God's little gifts. And it's okay.
We need to desist from governing other people's choices in what we deem as 'normal'. We cannot impose our ideals on other people. A woman is still a woman not because of gender roles, or offspring, but because of the very essence of her being. Anatomically born a woman, socialized as a woman and within herself feels like a woman.
Let's remember the cool, or rich auntie is still as feminine, nurturing as the doting mother. The only difference is she can give back the kids.
Here's to choosing what works for you ladies!
Children, no children, adopting, donating to orphanages, or surrogacy, choose the state that you can proudly live with.
With your womb politics and vaginal governance....kindly reserve your right to govern it how you deem fit.
Raise your head, chest out, derriere out, swing those hips...
....and raise your glasses to 'Becoming'!
A prochaine fois....
P.S.: Always write your own love story!
Ciao!
Lady E
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