Damaged

Maybe not today, but someday you will mend and breathe.

 

Breathe with a smile on your face, and tears of joy. As the good book says, joy comes in the morning. There's so much to say, at most to complain, but I want to check my privilege. I might not be where I want to be but I am at a better position. To quote my friend, a lot has happened in a year, especially in my career and psycho-social growth. But I'm only human, there are days I wake up feeling blue, overwhelmed and anxious.

In a conversation with a colleague, we discussed our views on romantic relationships. He was surprised by my responses and perceptions about the state of modern relationships. I explained to him that from observation, he is the unicorn of the attachment styles. He is the secure type. But for the rest of us, we are 'damaged'. And while I write this, Danity Kane's 'Damaged' comes on. Ironic right. Well, I have a playlist called, 'That typa playlist', and it's got all the feels of what a heartbreak feels like. But that's none of our business. Back to the topic at hand.

As I delved deeper, this 'damage' begins way before 'romantic relationships. As shown through the attachment theory, we are moulded by our childhood. Our parents, or guardians are the first encounters to whom we become and how we perceive life. Their attendance, or lack of, to our needs and overall nurturing will determine the amount and type of wounds in our adulthood. Today, I don't want to use stats, or try to be an expect. I want to come from a personal space.

It's easy to get caught up in the trends and fads because it works well for optics. Mental health and self care have become fads. How many times have we used the hashtag 'positive vibes only'? Apparently that has been monetized for apparel and et cetera. There goes actual mental health and self care...down the pits! Of course, we desire and even aspire for positivity only, but I believe that it needs context. Actually, positive vibes require a realistic approach that includes comprehension of dealing with life's downs. Because life will always have those low points. Our reactions and how we allow that to affect us, is key.

Damage in this context, is trauma from negative emotional or psychological experiences. This comes when one feels triggered by a current experience, in relation to the past. As mentioned before, of late I feel a volcanic experience in my mind and emotions when it comes to these wounds. I have become recluse, preferring my own company. I don't want to deal with people because people at times contribute to the triggers that I'm so trying to avoid working on. I will eventually work on the areas that are part of the 'damage', but not now. 

In all the avoidance, there are some who are brave. Brave enough to say, I'm ripping off the band aid. Physical wounds are easier to deal with because you can see them. Emotional, or mental ones are tricky. Most of us sweep things under the carpet, or we self sabotage. But how do we know that our hearts are damaged? Like any pathology, you could experience a symptom, or more. We are here to heal, and we can only do that when we assess the wounds. 

Ever had your mind go quantum leap. Like a camera flash you experience a blast from the past that causes an immediate reaction. You react or feel the same way that you did when that traumatic experience occurred.

Team insomnia please stand up! If you aren't dosing yourself with sleep medication, an antihistamine, or alcohol, stay strong. For the rest of us, we need something to help us sleep. We wrestle with the subconscious, which deals with those thorns that keep pricking us. And then there's that physical weight you feel on your shoulders, and even in your heart. Often you feel down, and you can't always explain how and why. I have days like that, especially when I'm not even focused on anything in particular. Like I could be just sitting on my bed, and then tears well up, my chest is swollen and I don't know. Sigh! That heart needs some unloading.

Triggers cause insane reactions to even the most trivial of things. When not addressed, that damage affects your emotions. Sometimes you cry a river, other times you seethe in anger and erupt like a volcano. At times you lose your marbles and don't know how to act. 

And then we come to the place where the only party we are attending is self loathing. Low self esteem makes great company when you are damaged. You are intimidated, or easily offended by situations or other people. Your self worth is at the bottom of the barrel.

I believe that I'm in that space where I'm comfortable with being alone. Enjoying your own company is actually healthy. But no one is an island. We all need a form of human interaction. So when you find yourself enjoying hermit life, it's time to lift that rug. And sweep out the dust once and for all.

The lyrics to Danity Kane's 'Damaged' read, "Do you know how to patch up a wound tell me,...Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart." The cliche quote is time heals all wounds. According to a quote by Roy T Bennett, "Time does not heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go." I concur with the latter. Of course, we need time to go through the process. 

 

Time does not heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go. -Roy T Bennet

The damage and invisible scars of past traumas are very difficult to heal.  It takes time to reprogram from the negative memories imprinted on us. But we have a choice to learn and grow from the hurt. While it's not easy to forget, we had the choice to not give power to the trauma. We can begin to heal, through grieving, and letting go. Letting go frees us from the shackles that hinder us from living. When we heal, we restore our lives and become healthy. That desired positive vibe is achieved through a clear, renewed mind. However, it takes time to heal, but we can start now. In that time you will experience a release, those scars will eventually get better.

Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.

Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E