"Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil"... Y'all, I have been quoting that scripture, praying that I don't fall prey to my flesh. It is that time of the year where we of the Christian faith dedicate ourselves to fasting. Some commence what is called the '10 days' of absolute fasting. That means no food intake for several hours in a day. Others commit to the 'Daniel's fast' taken from Daniel 1 verse 8 to 16. This exercise is carried out for 21 days. No meat, dairy, sugar and any 'artificial' food is to be partaken. It's also important to 'fast' social media, media, and other distractions including sex. Sex? Why is she going there you ask? Because of recent, that has been my area of weakness during this time. Now, I rarely discuss my spiritual life publicly especially on this blog, more so, on my social media. However, I realised that like an individual with an addiction, admission is the first step to recovery. I'm not a sex addict, that's not the weakness, but I am on the path of celibacy. The staying celibate part is the challenge! It's been both a spiritual, and emotional decision to be on this path. Previously, I went off course, when I met a certain poor choice. However, the mature individual in me seeking a meaningful and committed relationship, decided to rededicate myself to the commitment to remain 'pure' until marriage. I have said this before, celibacy isn't for everyone! It takes a lot of sacrifice, discipline and focus to achieve this goal. But it is extremely fulfilling, especially if you seek to grow as an individual, and become more spiritual. Brandy's lyrics to 'Decisions' start playing in my head, 'He's got me saying ooh, cause I wanna do right, but he looks so good tonight...'. Yep, temptation comes wrapped up as a fine, nice smelling, doing all the right things human being. Yes, I have been praying for the 'ONE' but it's been the same ol' prayer for years. Like the lyrics in a poem that I wrote, 'In the beginning there was an I, An I who was alone, Patiently persevering in prayer, Anxiously waiting for my answer' And then here comes not one, not two, but a line of possible, 'potential' suitors. Currently, I'm not dating, although I am open to it. And when I say date, I don't mean 'Netflix and chill', or DM slides and boom, we are boo'd up! Hell NO! I'm old fashioned! I mean, he and I schedule a time and day to dress up, he picks me up, we go out on an experience, get to know each other a bit and, he takes me back home before I turn into a pumpkin. That's what I mean by a 'date'. Whether there is date number two to infinity, and the progression to an exclusive relationship, that remains to be determined by several factors. Right now, I am seeking to be 'holy and sanctified' but temptation is killing me. I woke up with a guilt that required a confession booth. I even felt guilty to pray because of the 'sinful 'thoughts. But I remembered that my journey isn't of condemnation but I am a work in progress. Still, this one man just had to smell nice, dress in a way that I noticed his perfectly sculpted masculinity. To top that, he and I engaged in an intelligent, insightful conversation on this particular day. It wasn't him, it was me. My lady bits scorched like fire. I won't even replay the reel of my imagination. Temptation! A challenge for most of us in changing or improving self, is our area of 'weakness'. I often fast for internal evolution. I want to become a better human being who is more like the foundation of my faith. As I grow up, I notice that the objects of my desire are my Achilles heel too. With a show of hands, how many agree with the above statement? Whether you seek sobriety, better financial management, fidelity or anger management, you find yourself at odds with the urge to return to old habits. From a psychological view, addictions are often a sign of deeper insecurities, and voids. We often attempt to numb, or compensate for our areas of lack. My weaknesses are money and relationships. Every new year's resolution, or life plan has revolved around these areas areas. Those are the areas that I am trying to repent from and reform. Weak to the fact that I yearn for companionship, time and time again, I have found myself in situations often toxic for me, and what I truly seek. Mentally, I am strong but that desire throws me off my focus. During this season of seeking to be 'holy' and sanctified, I face being horny during my fast. Lawd! These male human beings just sprung out of nowhere to feed into my desire for the 'One'. I would love to ignore all things, but these mens be fine, and doing all the right things, (while I wait for them to really screw things up, when their horns can't conceal themselves no more). Sic! It's a trying time! The victory of every human being, whether of faith, or not, is overcoming. Anybody who's gone on a diet, or began a fitness regime, understands what focus does. Imagine eating clean, or committing to running five kilometres a day? That requires a certain level of discipline and desire to achieve one's goals. So what do you do in the face of weakness? Remind yourself of the bigger picture! I scrolled through every blog that I wrote about 'celibacy', and being a high value woman. I remembered the notes taken from the movie 'Love On the 10th Date'. Enjoy the ride but wear the emotional condom. While the 'Mr I-can-be-the-one' work their charms, I am remembering the bigger picture, 'This year, this season, and this decade is all about ME!' I am here to learn, unlearn and grow up. Instead of feeding into desperation, or insecurities, I am channelling my energy inwardly. The bigger picture is the God in me! After a few cold showers, and meditating upon the word, sanctification is a process. It's like working towards that 90 days of sobriety card. Keep your eye on the prize... The mind is strong but the flesh is weak, but what the mind ponders on will make or break the flesh. On your journey, stay focused, stay strong... P.S. Always write your own love story! Ciao Lady E |
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