According to actress Yvonne Orji's TEDx talk, "The wait is sexy".
The irony of the 'Insecure' actress who plays the very sexual Molly Carter on the show. Oh yeah, it took the first episodes of season 2, for me to return to the first one.(I should be ashamed of my grown self!) 'Insecure' is one of the best television series by people of colour. I absolutely love how relatable and honest it is. I can relate to Issa's 'awkward black girl' moments because I'm that woman. By the way, I don’t think that Issa and Lawrence should get back together. It's over, totally!
Anyway, all respect to 34 year old Yvonne Orji who's still a virgin. She's my hero! It takes a lot of discipline and courage to safeguard one's 'V' card. We live in the 'hook up' age where dating is dead and virginity is as extinct as the dodo. With TV shows such as 'Teen Mum', not to mention the examples of teen celebrities who have been pregnant, 'chastity' isn't a 'thing'. So imagine by the time most of humanity reaches their 20s and 30s, the number of 'virgins' you can find?
Well, most of us haven't been blessed with the virtue of being 'chaste'. While it's honourable to wait to have sex until marriage, that's not been the common narrative. I remember the advice that my late father gave me about saving myself for marriage. He would take pride in the thought of him walking his beloved daughter down the aisle. Oh, yes, she would wear all white with her face covered with a veil to protect the sanctity of her -'purity'. Oh, he wrote the script to my wedding day...and even husband. Little could he predict the demise of that story.
The story destroyed by the many poor choices that came with scraping for crumbs of love.
I remember in the seventh grade when a couple of missionaries came to our school to teach us about sex education. Well, they were teaching about 'worth the wait'. They discussed as well as gave us notes about the beauty of staying pure. They shared the obvious reasons not to have sex until marriage including 'unwanted' pregnacies, sexually transmitted infections, guilt before God and heartbreak. We all made a pledge to stay pure. Even signed the pledges with witnesses to confirm that commitment. My best friend to this day, was one of my witnesses. Right now, we should be rolling in laughter at our hypocrisy, then again, we were only twelve and naive; which was actually good.
These pledges came with 'purity rings' engraved, 'Worth the Wait'. I kid you not, I believed in that mantra. Wore my ring dor the longest time before I lost it. But the pledge was plastered on my wall next to my Backstreet Boys poster. (I then realise how very old I am!) Fortunately, I didn't become a statistic of teenage pregnancy during my adolescence. I kept my vow. (Thank you social awkwardness!) But of course growing older changes a lot of things. Fast forward to present day, after trading in the 'v' card, there's the 'c' card.
The commitment to celibacy!
What was meant to be Steve Harvey's '90 day rule', has turned into years of what the apostle Paul asked of the early church. That’s if one could be disciplined enough not to be overwhelmed with the scorch of fleshly desire. Honestly, sex isn't the easiest thing to go without once you've been in that pool. While it's animalistic it also has a certain humanity to it in the sense of intimacy - the need to physically prove one's enamour.
So how does one move from 'virgin' type of wait to the 'celibacy' type of wait? Well, until the very sexy, Megan Good revealed that she chose to wait (be celibate) before she met and married Devon Franklin, celibacy felt like a one man-band. You can imagine how many times you will be ridiculed for 'depriving' yourself of such a pleasure. Some will accuse you of being sexually frustrated just because you are in a 'mood' or you are opinionated about people and things. To be honest, celibacy is the loneliest place to be because it's not a communal activity or passion.
If you thought that being a virgin makes one stick out like a sore thumb, then celibacy makes an individual a gangrene organ, that needs to be cut off. So why take the celibacy route?
Megan has proved that while you might be alone in that department, it’s worth it. Besides getting a ring on it, her and husband Devon Franklin (a man of the word, mind you), are cashing in on their book, 'The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life You Love."
While philandering a.k.a having a 'hoe phase' is a rite of passage for any normal adult in the 21st century, there comes a time that it just becomes disatisfying. Megan and her husband both shared personal reasons why they chose celibacy. Honestly, the celibacy route is usually taken for religious reasons at times as the emotional Alcatraz, especially by women.
Let's look at it, a woman has met a lot of douchebags, none of them giving her the commitment that she wants or even deserves. Okay, maybe she tried the tips from Steve Harvey's 'Think Like A Man...' or gone through Matthew Hussey's advice but needed a bit more. And one thinks, "My life was so much easier when I was a pencil necked virgin!" When you are a virgin there's a certain arrogance you have because you are society and religion's poster child of purity, morality and well deserving of that unstained, white dress and veil.
Then you remember that 'worth the wait' discussion, when they mentioned the 'recycled virgin'. You have heard about it maybe once or twice in church too. The recycled virgin isn't a human being without sexual experiences however, they are individuals who withhold those experiences for marriage, or realistically speaking, for someone who is deserving due to their level of commitment.
Peers may frown upon it and media not represent it, but celibacy is the best challenge for all. For men, celibacy will be like that woman who's out of your league, whom you're trying to get with. How long will you pursue her before her high standards wear you down? But if you believe that she's worth it, you will chase her until she's yours. But for how long?
It isn't easy being celibate!
Celibacy feels like being on a diet but being locked up in a candy store. You crave, you see, you smell and even know the taste of candy. But you know that you have to cut out the candy for the sake of your health. The degree of temptation that you go through will have you begging to fast double the 40 days and 40 nights. It’s like all those people who never wanted to smash you, are readily available all of a sudden. You will find yourself in situations when your lower extremities are screaming at you while your head is your parole officer. Not to mention the amount of cold showers you will have to take! Depending on your mental strength, you might need to even stop watching certain visuals that stimulate your senses. That’s literal torture! So why hold up the 'C' card in your deck?
Well, after a while, you begin to see the advantages of celibacy. First of all, it challenges as well as builds 'character'. By remaining celibate you learn discipline, cultivate integrity and you gain mental strength. You are able to not succumb to peer pressure and mob psychology because you made up your mind to do the unpopular thing, and to an extent the right thing. When you learn to be disciplined with physical gratification, you are also disciplined in other aspects of your life. I don't know about y'all, but I find a man with integrity very attractive! Integrity makes a person stand out. Integrity is like the bad bitch of all personality traits! And we all want to be or be with, a bad bitch.
Remember the emotional Alcatraz that I spoke of earlier, well not just for the ladies but guys too, celibacy safeguards the heart. Unfortunately sex warps good decision making when it comes to choosing partners. None of us are immune to people who put it down well in the sack but are emotionally unavailable. Or those who enjoy playing on your heart's strings like Pinocchio's puppet master. We all have had one, or two of those or some are still stuck on stupid. Celibacy helps you enjoy dating whilst sieving the sand to find the diamond in the rough. It takes time but it's worth it. Actually holding up your 'c' card acts as an emotional condom. You are cautioning self from 'infatuation upon assumption of a connection'. Not that you don't get hurt if someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings or ghosts you whilst you assume that things are going great. It just means it hurts less and you won't indulge in self-destructive, post break-up behaviour. The advantage is that because you didn't have sex with them, you have no physical or emotional attachment or anything to miss. Simply put, you are the Captain Planet of your love life - "The power is yours!"
You raise the standards of what it will take for you to drop the 'C' card. You also create a method of elimination - get rid of what you don't want in a partner. The people who remain in your dating pool are likely to be high quality or very resilient individuals. While raising standards and quality, you are also building positive self esteem. There is a certain maturity that comes with celibacy. You stop trying to be for anybody or everybody and seek to be for one body - preferably yours. 'Every pot has its lid' and you stop trying to fit too many lids on yours. You also realize that you don’t need to be a perfect 10 if you can offer the 80%. While it's good to take care of self in terms of appearances, you work more on your inner self. You become your own psychologist, therapist, preacher and even inspiration. You grow from the inside going out boosting your self confidence. You tend to realise the power in your individuality. You are irreplaceable.
Celibacy also strengthens you on a spiritual level. You seek for a better relationship with the almighty, the creator. In Eastern religions celibacy is viewed as one of the highest levels of spirituality. In Christianity, like the apostle Paul, you allow God to work in you more as you are fully committed to him. It allows one to be more aware of their weaknesses, shortcomings and work on those. There’s more time to fast, pray and meditate without guilt or shame. 'Present your body as a living sacrifice,' one scripture says. It doesn't mean that the need for intimacy isn't there, it's just purposeful. But as indicated, the 'c' card isn't handed to everybody.
While it is honourable to be celibate and wait, it’s not mandatory. In a perfect world, the notion of the wait would be ideal. But it doesn't mean that it should be stigmatised to be celibate. It's a choice, lifestyle and conviction. Its a different kind of sexy. It's a different type of cool.
But we all know, what's worth having, is worth waiting for...
What card are you holding in your hand?
P.S. : Always write your own love story.
Lady E
Ciao!
The irony of the 'Insecure' actress who plays the very sexual Molly Carter on the show. Oh yeah, it took the first episodes of season 2, for me to return to the first one.(I should be ashamed of my grown self!) 'Insecure' is one of the best television series by people of colour. I absolutely love how relatable and honest it is. I can relate to Issa's 'awkward black girl' moments because I'm that woman. By the way, I don’t think that Issa and Lawrence should get back together. It's over, totally!
Anyway, all respect to 34 year old Yvonne Orji who's still a virgin. She's my hero! It takes a lot of discipline and courage to safeguard one's 'V' card. We live in the 'hook up' age where dating is dead and virginity is as extinct as the dodo. With TV shows such as 'Teen Mum', not to mention the examples of teen celebrities who have been pregnant, 'chastity' isn't a 'thing'. So imagine by the time most of humanity reaches their 20s and 30s, the number of 'virgins' you can find?
Well, most of us haven't been blessed with the virtue of being 'chaste'. While it's honourable to wait to have sex until marriage, that's not been the common narrative. I remember the advice that my late father gave me about saving myself for marriage. He would take pride in the thought of him walking his beloved daughter down the aisle. Oh, yes, she would wear all white with her face covered with a veil to protect the sanctity of her -'purity'. Oh, he wrote the script to my wedding day...and even husband. Little could he predict the demise of that story.
The story destroyed by the many poor choices that came with scraping for crumbs of love.
I remember in the seventh grade when a couple of missionaries came to our school to teach us about sex education. Well, they were teaching about 'worth the wait'. They discussed as well as gave us notes about the beauty of staying pure. They shared the obvious reasons not to have sex until marriage including 'unwanted' pregnacies, sexually transmitted infections, guilt before God and heartbreak. We all made a pledge to stay pure. Even signed the pledges with witnesses to confirm that commitment. My best friend to this day, was one of my witnesses. Right now, we should be rolling in laughter at our hypocrisy, then again, we were only twelve and naive; which was actually good.
These pledges came with 'purity rings' engraved, 'Worth the Wait'. I kid you not, I believed in that mantra. Wore my ring dor the longest time before I lost it. But the pledge was plastered on my wall next to my Backstreet Boys poster. (I then realise how very old I am!) Fortunately, I didn't become a statistic of teenage pregnancy during my adolescence. I kept my vow. (Thank you social awkwardness!) But of course growing older changes a lot of things. Fast forward to present day, after trading in the 'v' card, there's the 'c' card.
The commitment to celibacy!
What was meant to be Steve Harvey's '90 day rule', has turned into years of what the apostle Paul asked of the early church. That’s if one could be disciplined enough not to be overwhelmed with the scorch of fleshly desire. Honestly, sex isn't the easiest thing to go without once you've been in that pool. While it's animalistic it also has a certain humanity to it in the sense of intimacy - the need to physically prove one's enamour.
So how does one move from 'virgin' type of wait to the 'celibacy' type of wait? Well, until the very sexy, Megan Good revealed that she chose to wait (be celibate) before she met and married Devon Franklin, celibacy felt like a one man-band. You can imagine how many times you will be ridiculed for 'depriving' yourself of such a pleasure. Some will accuse you of being sexually frustrated just because you are in a 'mood' or you are opinionated about people and things. To be honest, celibacy is the loneliest place to be because it's not a communal activity or passion.
If you thought that being a virgin makes one stick out like a sore thumb, then celibacy makes an individual a gangrene organ, that needs to be cut off. So why take the celibacy route?
Megan has proved that while you might be alone in that department, it’s worth it. Besides getting a ring on it, her and husband Devon Franklin (a man of the word, mind you), are cashing in on their book, 'The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life You Love."
While philandering a.k.a having a 'hoe phase' is a rite of passage for any normal adult in the 21st century, there comes a time that it just becomes disatisfying. Megan and her husband both shared personal reasons why they chose celibacy. Honestly, the celibacy route is usually taken for religious reasons at times as the emotional Alcatraz, especially by women.
Let's look at it, a woman has met a lot of douchebags, none of them giving her the commitment that she wants or even deserves. Okay, maybe she tried the tips from Steve Harvey's 'Think Like A Man...' or gone through Matthew Hussey's advice but needed a bit more. And one thinks, "My life was so much easier when I was a pencil necked virgin!" When you are a virgin there's a certain arrogance you have because you are society and religion's poster child of purity, morality and well deserving of that unstained, white dress and veil.
Then you remember that 'worth the wait' discussion, when they mentioned the 'recycled virgin'. You have heard about it maybe once or twice in church too. The recycled virgin isn't a human being without sexual experiences however, they are individuals who withhold those experiences for marriage, or realistically speaking, for someone who is deserving due to their level of commitment.
Peers may frown upon it and media not represent it, but celibacy is the best challenge for all. For men, celibacy will be like that woman who's out of your league, whom you're trying to get with. How long will you pursue her before her high standards wear you down? But if you believe that she's worth it, you will chase her until she's yours. But for how long?
It isn't easy being celibate!
Celibacy feels like being on a diet but being locked up in a candy store. You crave, you see, you smell and even know the taste of candy. But you know that you have to cut out the candy for the sake of your health. The degree of temptation that you go through will have you begging to fast double the 40 days and 40 nights. It’s like all those people who never wanted to smash you, are readily available all of a sudden. You will find yourself in situations when your lower extremities are screaming at you while your head is your parole officer. Not to mention the amount of cold showers you will have to take! Depending on your mental strength, you might need to even stop watching certain visuals that stimulate your senses. That’s literal torture! So why hold up the 'C' card in your deck?
Well, after a while, you begin to see the advantages of celibacy. First of all, it challenges as well as builds 'character'. By remaining celibate you learn discipline, cultivate integrity and you gain mental strength. You are able to not succumb to peer pressure and mob psychology because you made up your mind to do the unpopular thing, and to an extent the right thing. When you learn to be disciplined with physical gratification, you are also disciplined in other aspects of your life. I don't know about y'all, but I find a man with integrity very attractive! Integrity makes a person stand out. Integrity is like the bad bitch of all personality traits! And we all want to be or be with, a bad bitch.
Remember the emotional Alcatraz that I spoke of earlier, well not just for the ladies but guys too, celibacy safeguards the heart. Unfortunately sex warps good decision making when it comes to choosing partners. None of us are immune to people who put it down well in the sack but are emotionally unavailable. Or those who enjoy playing on your heart's strings like Pinocchio's puppet master. We all have had one, or two of those or some are still stuck on stupid. Celibacy helps you enjoy dating whilst sieving the sand to find the diamond in the rough. It takes time but it's worth it. Actually holding up your 'c' card acts as an emotional condom. You are cautioning self from 'infatuation upon assumption of a connection'. Not that you don't get hurt if someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings or ghosts you whilst you assume that things are going great. It just means it hurts less and you won't indulge in self-destructive, post break-up behaviour. The advantage is that because you didn't have sex with them, you have no physical or emotional attachment or anything to miss. Simply put, you are the Captain Planet of your love life - "The power is yours!"
You raise the standards of what it will take for you to drop the 'C' card. You also create a method of elimination - get rid of what you don't want in a partner. The people who remain in your dating pool are likely to be high quality or very resilient individuals. While raising standards and quality, you are also building positive self esteem. There is a certain maturity that comes with celibacy. You stop trying to be for anybody or everybody and seek to be for one body - preferably yours. 'Every pot has its lid' and you stop trying to fit too many lids on yours. You also realize that you don’t need to be a perfect 10 if you can offer the 80%. While it's good to take care of self in terms of appearances, you work more on your inner self. You become your own psychologist, therapist, preacher and even inspiration. You grow from the inside going out boosting your self confidence. You tend to realise the power in your individuality. You are irreplaceable.
Celibacy also strengthens you on a spiritual level. You seek for a better relationship with the almighty, the creator. In Eastern religions celibacy is viewed as one of the highest levels of spirituality. In Christianity, like the apostle Paul, you allow God to work in you more as you are fully committed to him. It allows one to be more aware of their weaknesses, shortcomings and work on those. There’s more time to fast, pray and meditate without guilt or shame. 'Present your body as a living sacrifice,' one scripture says. It doesn't mean that the need for intimacy isn't there, it's just purposeful. But as indicated, the 'c' card isn't handed to everybody.
While it is honourable to be celibate and wait, it’s not mandatory. In a perfect world, the notion of the wait would be ideal. But it doesn't mean that it should be stigmatised to be celibate. It's a choice, lifestyle and conviction. Its a different kind of sexy. It's a different type of cool.
But we all know, what's worth having, is worth waiting for...
What card are you holding in your hand?
P.S. : Always write your own love story.
Lady E
Ciao!
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