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‘Hands free’ Social Zone

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She’s on her bed busy on her phone while I’m sitting on a rug on the floor whilst working on my laptop, she then says something to me but I don’t reply because my assumption is that she is talking to her Snapchat followers. All of the sudden she roars and starts complaining that I never listen to her when she’s talking to me. I have come to a place where I can’t even represent myself in my defense in the court case about socially appropriate behavior with my younger sister. A slave to this gadget called a cellphone and this one in particular moves in selfishness as it boastfully shouts ‘I’ for all to know and see; my sibling is far from living in the urban dictionary abbreviated ‘IRL’ meaning in real life. To her reality and conversations are held in the power of a gadget rather than searching for depth and meaningfulness tête à tête.

I guess this condition that my sister has been predisposed to, comes with the era that we live in, where colleagues and I have previously defined; social media is the virtual version of high school, where the social dynamics of high school also apply on the World Wide Web. Ironically, my sibling and I are not far off in age differences however I find myself feeling as old as the gramophone as at most times I find myself reminiscing on the simplicity (and more humane) era, where we had landlines, postage stamps and a lot of late nights with friends or siblings as we shared long conversations. In today’s world, people can sit in the same room and have a non-verbal conversation via their mobile phones since there is this wonderful offline application called ‘Whatsapp’, while others decide to work angles and backgrounds for the perfect Instagram photo that should receive more than 20 likes within the first few seconds of posting. As I recall, there was a time that yes, we did dress up and pose for photos, but the photos were often taken for a compilation of memories in a book called an ‘album’. On days like the past few days when we have been blessed with grey skies of rain, I sit in my room and peruse through albums of my childhood, here and there I might find a picture or two for hashtag ‘Throwback Thursday’ or ‘Flashback Friday’, because hey, I was such a cute kid.

As part of what has been termed as ‘generation Y’, I wholly embrace technology, if not, I have been part of almost every development stage from the time that the only game that you could play on a computer was Pac man, to the huge cellphone with the aerial until mobile phones and computers have become smaller, slimmer and more user friendly. I love the fact that now global connections are easily made with just a click, the internet has become a great way to learn without necessarily going to school, but if you are in school, it has compacted centuries of libraries into one accessible space on one’s gadgets. With adequate data or free, (I had to emphasize ‘free’, or at least cheap) Wi-Fi, I am able to create a certain balance in life as well as cutting costs on travel as I can simply email or text via Whatsapp assignments, documents, articles, photos etc.

So where does my qualm with technology and social media come in? Well, we all understand the definition of social media, but we often forget the fine print of the word ‘media’. There is a common and old saying mostly used by PR agents, ‘You can’t believe everything that you hear in the media.’ And that’s where most of us get lost because while I have had several back and forth with my young sister about communication, I have realized that there is something that lacks in ‘real life communication’ and that is the ‘social’ skill. It seems that most of us have narrowed down the ‘how to’ of communication by copy and pasting what they do online to life offline. It’s often frustrating to communicate with someone who has their nose in their phone and they tell you that they are listening. Others feel the need to record in what should be private moments and conversations on their Snapchat instead of engaging in the process. Furthermore it seems that stalking is a norm only if it’s online as people search for potential partners.  I have asked my teenage cousins on how they meet their ‘boyfriends and girlfriends’ and the answers that I get bemuse me. One female cousin highlighted that when a guy befriends or follows her on social media, she goes through his timeline to see what he’s like, if it’s someone within her vicinity through exchange of numbers, they chat on Whatsapp until they formalize things, that’s if they like each other. ‘So do you go on dates?’ I ask, ‘You mean like in the movies where you dress up and get picked up at seven and making sure that you are back by your curfew? Girl, this is Africa and that’s old school!’ is one of the many responses that I receive.  I wish that I could say that it’s a millennial (children born after the year 2000) thing, but to my surprise, I have discovered that even the older members of generation Y live by this. So our criteria of who is dateable or relationship worthy are based on ‘stalking’ their popularity on social media, what sort of photos and videos that they post and how many times they immediately respond after the blue tick?

Scientists and psychologists have proven that in this gadget era, most human beings have developed ‘anti-social’ behaviour where individuals are more comfortable and confident to deal with life virtually. According to research, IQs are dropping along with self-esteem; there is also a level of desensitization which then leads to the degradation of individual and societal moral compass as graphic content is made more viral and everybody is becoming a bully also known as a troll without accountability.

To stand and say that I have never been absorbed in virtual reality would be a lie but after a few disastrous encounters, I went back to what I learnt about etiquette and put boundaries with social media so as to develop appropriate social skills. Social media is a form of communication but it is not the primary. During the developmental stages of any human child, they learn to communicate through language and behaviour. We can all tell for example, when someone is sad or angry not only through the tone of their voice, but through facial expressions. Virtually, that has been mimicked by emojis however in basic face to face conversations; nobody speaks emoji. So how is it that an individual is busy looking down on their phone and are able to then hold an engaging conversation with somebody that they can’t even look at? Traditionally we have been,  at some point in time, taught that looking at someone straight in the eye can help you tell if they are honest or not, to some extent it is also a sign of respect , although it does not apply in every culture.

Having made this analysis I then resolved the issue with my sibling that when one wants to have a conversation with another, no gadgets at all. I want to look a person in the eyes whilst talking to them so that there is mutual understanding and in future no need for repetition of conversations. And this is how I now hold every conversation, gadgets on the side, face to face, using the appropriate language and address until conclusion. These simple social skills do not only apply to just friends and relatives however on a broader scale of school, work and any place of human interaction. Despite moving into mechanization, human beings still yearn and need physical human interaction where there is practicality in ‘laughing out loud’ because those around can hear you laugh, or when a throwback is when you meet your primary school teacher or when you acknowledge that you can take a sabbatical from your gadget and experience life ‘hands free’.

I have a saying that you are what you post, so if as an individual are not able to say what you say online about people to their face when you meet them, then you definitely need to go back to the basics of ‘101 how to live with other human beings’. And you cannot expect somebody to listen to you or take you seriously when every time they interact with you they receive cold ‘hums’, ‘okay’ and’ I’m listening’. Technology has to continue developing, social media has to make the world a smaller community but if you cannot change the world that you live in by more than just a hash tag, or an emoji then ‘social’ is just a word printed on white pages. So next time we attend a social gathering or we are meeting an individual, let’s create a ‘hands free social zone’-no gadgets, just your hands to shake, touch or hug and your three senses of sight, speech and hearing well connected.

P.S.: Always write your own love story!

Ciao!

Lady E


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